A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a
guy with the worst case on sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy
is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor
“is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?” So
the doctor says “yes, I’ll prescribe you some Viagra”.
“Viagra” says the poor guy, ” how will that help my sunburn?”.
“It won’t help your sunburn much” says the doctor, “but at least
it’ll keep the sheets off it!”

A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a
complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says. “You’re
dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How long have I got?”
“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.
“Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!”
“Nine…”

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says to him “Doctor I’m hurting
all over my body.”
“That’s odd” replied the doctor “Show me what you mean”
So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in
pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony. and so on.
The doctor says to her “Your not a natural brunette are you?”
“No ‘m a blonde” she replies.
“I thought so…. your finger is broken”

In the beginning, the plan for a devine human design was
painstakingly implemented. “The nerce endings,” said St. Peter,
“how many will I put in her hands?”
“How many did we put in Adam?” asked The Lord.
“Two hundred, O Mighty One.”
“Then we shall do the same for the woman.”
“How many nerve endings should we put in woman’s genitals,
O Mightiest?”
“How many did we put in Adam?”
“Four hundred twenty, O Mighty One.”
“Oh yeah, now I remember, we wanted Adam to habe a little fun
procreating, didn’t we? Do the same for woman.”
“Yes, O Great Lord.”
“Wait! Hold it, Pete, Give her ten thousand, it’d be a hoot to
hear her scream out my name…”

The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act. He
immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital
as he now considered him to be OK.
The doctor said, “David, we have good news and bad news for you!
The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you
have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in the pool
and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news
is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and
died after all.”
David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there
to dry.”

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and
become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech
college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and
attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for
the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for
weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, she was surprised to find that
she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she
called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear
ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if
there had been an error which needed adjusting.”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine
apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You
put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also
worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you
did all of it THROUGH the muffler…”

This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled
and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he
responded this way…..

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife’s dentures…
AND I COULDN’T STOP TALKING!

A heart specialist doctor died and it’s his funeral. The coffin
was in front of a huge heart. When the priest finished with the
sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened,
the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked: “Why are you laughing?” “I was thinking
about my own funeral” the man replied.
“What’s so funny about that?”
“I’m a gynecologist.”

Three guys wives are all in labor. They are all waiting
impatiently awaiting whether they are having a boy or girl.
The doctor comes out and asks the first guy, “Mr. Jenkin’s where
do you work sir?” The nervous guy answers, “Why, I work at Double
A recreations”
The doctor responds…”oh that’s good because you have a pair of
beautiful baby girls!”
The doctor asks the next guy, “Mr. Davidson, Where do you work?”
The guy responds politely “I work at Triple J Motors” the doctor
says, “Oh good! you have three handsome baby boys!”
All of a sudden the last guy faints! The two guys and the doctor
are surprised and rush to the last guy.
“Mr. Smith Mr. Smith! Get up Why did you faint?” asked the doctor.
“Well doc you see, I work at 7-Eleven!” says the last guy.

Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.

Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you today?

Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Did your parents have any children that lived?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen
at birth?

Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.

Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like
you?

Doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn’t
know the meaning of most words.

Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

Don’t get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

Don’t let your mind wander — it’s too little to be let out alone.

Don’t mind him. He has a soft heart and a head to match.

Don’t thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure.

Don’t think, it may sprain your brain!

Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling —- in your skull?

Don’t you love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?

Don’t you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world
already without your working so hard to give us another?

Ever since I saw you in your family tree I’ve wanted to cut it down.

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.

Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.

Excellent time to become a missing person.

Fat? You’re not fat, you’re just … fat.

For two cents I’d give you a piece of my mind - and all of yours.

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It’ll only take 10 seconds.

Go fart peas at the moon !!

Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.

Has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.

Has the IQ of lint.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

He can open his mail with that nose!

He can think without moving his lips!

He comes from a long line of real estate people —
they’re a vacant lot.