* At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.

* At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

* On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. - Sisters of Mercy

* In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

* On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

* On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

* In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

* In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

* In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

* On a roller coaster: Watch your head.

* In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.

* This was seen on a car being towed by a large motor home: I go where I’m towed to.

* On a restaurant: Try our fish just for the halibut.

* Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.

* Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!

* Car Lot: The best way to get on your feet….Miss a car payment.

* Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labor Day.

* On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: Blackened bluefish

* In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.

* On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: Thirty-eight years on the same spot.

* On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church

* Outside a country shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and sell antiques.

* In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store: 15 men’s wool suits - $100 - They won’t last an hour!

* A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O’Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.

* In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

* In the offices of a New Jersey loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

* In the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?

* In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel - NO END

* On a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

* On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut: No trespassing without permission.

* In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

* At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

* In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

* In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.

* In a Los Angeles clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

* In a Texas funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

* In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully, we’ll wait.

* On an electrician’s truck: Let us remove your shorts.

* Outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a leak.

* On a maternity room door: Push, Push, Push.

* At an optometrist’s office: If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

* On a taxidermist’s window: We really know our stuff.

* On a butcher’s window: Let me meat your needs.

* On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

* At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.

* Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.

* In a dry cleaner’s emporium: Drop your pants here.

* On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.”

* In a veterinarian’s waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

* At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.

* In a Beauty Shop: Dye now!

* In a restaurant window: Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

* Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

* In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

* English Sign in German Cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hands Before Eating.

* On a Scientist’s door: Gone Fission

* Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people.

* At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?

* At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.

* On a Music Teacher’s door: Out Chopin.

* On the door of a Music Library: Bach in a min-u-et.

* In a Podiatrist’s window: Time wounds all heels.

* On another Butcher’s window: Pleased to meat you.

* At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.

* On the door of a Computer Store: Out for a quick byte.

* In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

* In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.

* In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

* In an office: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

* On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

* Outside a second-hand store: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

* Quicksand warning: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

* In a dry cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

* In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.

* Spotted in a Safari Park: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.

* Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

* Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

* Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

* On a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn’t work)

* In a toilet: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

* Plumber: We repair what your husband Fixed.

* Trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: Don’t sleep with a drip call your plumber.

* Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one Weak.

* At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.

* Door of a plastic surgeons office: Hello, can we pick your nose?

* Sign at the psychic’s Hotline: Don’t call us, we’ll call you.

* At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?

* At a Towing Company: We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.

* Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.

* On an Electricians truck: Let us remove your shorts.

* In a Nonsmoking Area: If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

* In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional

Then: Killer Weed
Now: Weed Killer

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then: Moving to California because it’s cool
Now: Moving to California because it’s warm

Then: Being called into the principal’s office
Now: Storming into the principal’s office

Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: Getting your head stoned
Now: Getting your headstone

Then: “Going blind”
Now: REALLY going blind

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party
Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President
Now: Fighting to keep the lying President

Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Elvis in the army
Now: Elvis in a UFO

Then: Keg
Now: EKG

Then: Swallowing acid
Now: Swallowing antacid

Then: You’re growing pot
Now: Your growing pot

Then: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test

Then: Seeds and stems
Now: Roughage

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now: Popping joints

Then: Whatever?
Now: Depends

Then: Ommmmmm
Now: Ummmmm

Then: Our president’s struggle with Fidel
Now: Our president’s struggle with fidelity

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

——————————————————————————–

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

“Excuse me,” he said. “Have you lost something?”

“No,” replied one of the doctors. “We’re doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone.”

——————————————————————————–

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1998 Federal Tax return.

Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive.

It’s only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction.

This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people’s questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze; Next year she is going to college. I think it’s wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn’t run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I’ve had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP’ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what’s the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You’ll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I’ll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I’m sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I’m sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim’s. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It’s quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/ yuppie/ political doublespeak. I don’t. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R’s. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of “nests” in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen’s college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won’t feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane

Mine eyes have seen the Teletubby
And his cutesy little purse.
He wears a purple outfit,
And, dear friends, what’s even worse,
He doesn’t scratch or spit or belch,
He doesn’t even curse.
What kind of guy is he?

CHORUS

Tinky Winky is a fairy.
Moral Morons must be wary.
Ignorance like theirs is scary.
And Tinky Winky’s gay.

I have seen his little triangle
Where it sits upon his head,
And we all know it’s a symbol
For the shame that can’t be said.
Now we have to purge this danger
Or our little boys will wed
A wife whose name is Ed.

CHORUS

His defenders say his purse is nothing
But a magic little bag.
That’s a cover-up, as we all know,
He’s just a little fag!
We cannot let a Teletubby
Appear in purple drag,
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

Yes, they call him Tinky Winky.
Does that name sound straight to you?
If he weren’t homosexual,
His clothing would be blue!
He’s subversive and perverted,
And his pal’s a Laa-Laa, too.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

We have seen this Tinky Winky
Near the San Francisco bay.
He’s the Marshall of the big parade
They hold on Gay Pride Day.
We’ll all join hands and hold a protest
As we march the Moron way.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

He’s teaching all our 2 year-olds that gayness is no curse.
He is tearing down the fabric of our moral universe.
If left unchecked, our kids may grow up unperverse.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

Jerry Falwell is our hero,
He’s the one to lead the fight.
He has seen the truth and spoken out,
He’ll lead us further right,
Where we will join the multitude
Who just ain’t none too bright.
Moron Morality.

CHORUS

In a quiet Southern village Jerry was born into a haze,
With an anger in his bosom that would last him all his days.
As he works to teach us hatred, let us go and bash some gays.
Moron Morality

* The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

* The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

* The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

* The Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

* The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

* The Law of Motivation
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

* Boob’s Law
You always find something in the last place you look.

* Weiler’s Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

* Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

* Law of Volunteer Labor
People are always available for work in the past tense.

* Conway’s Law
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

* Iron Law of Distribution
Them that has, gets.

* Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.

* Law of Drunkenness
You can’t fall off the floor.

* Heller’s Law
The first myth of management is that it exists.

* Osborne’s Law
Variables won’t; constants aren’t.

* Weinberg’s Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

For lack of a more effective weapon, you find yourself threatening other drivers with the cigarette lighter.

* You exchange your Uzi with laser sighting for a “more serious weapon.”

* You’ve stopped wearing pants in the car to make it easier to moon tailgaters.

* Local Crips now have a hand signal for “Get Off The Road, That Psycho’s Coming!”

* On your license, under “restrictions”, it says, “Valium Required.”

* That Yugo hood ornament on your 4X4 is not *actually* an ornament.

* The only thing that calms you down is your trusty Megadeth CD.

* The need to wring Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s neck is just a bit more urgent than usual.

* You swear more before you get to work than most gangsta rappers do all day.

* You threaten to run over the person in front of you, even though you’re in line for communion.

* The car’s a year old, but you’re already on your fifth horn.

* Your saw blades don’t work, your voice is out of sync with your mouth, and Speed Racer has just beaten you in another race.

* You’ve traded your plastic statue of St. Christopher for one of A.C. Cowlings.

* You’d flash your brights at that slow dumbass Jacob ahead of you if your buggy only had headlights.

* You’ve plowed more pedestrians than Wilt Chamberlain

A list of phrases to use when you want to be left alone on long flights, at parties, bus rides, at the polo grounds, etc…

* Yeah, I really miss my wife (husband)… but at least I have her skin to remember her by.

* Have you ever tried cat meat?

* I just got out of prison. I’ll bet the kids at the playground really miss me.

* Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth!

* I don’t know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me gas.

* I just had a proctological exam - wow, worth every penny!

* The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me!

* (man to woman) Hey, could I borrow a tampon?

* I puked on the last person who flew next to me.

* My butt reeeally itches!

* Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose!

* My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures.

* The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator.

* Would you hold this messy Kleenex for me?

* I stepped in dog shit AGAIN?!

* I haven’t changed my underwear in over two weeks! How about you?

* My mother just told me we can’t sleep together anymore.

* Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?!

* Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?

* This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary.

* Oh damn, my diaper’s wet again!

* If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that’ll wake me up.

* Boy, that business at Waco was a mess - I got outa there just in time!

* Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood my gerbil business has really taken off.

* I’ve just been treated for tapeworms.

* Did I tell you Charles Manson’s my uncle?

* I collect aluminum foil.

* Ya know, these days a man can’t hang out with a seven year old boy without being ridiculed by his peers!

* I work in a landfill.

* I remember, not too long ago, when a man could work hard clubbing baby seals all day long and then go home and have a tall, cold one with a clear conscience

* In the memo field of all your checks, write, “for sensual massage.”

* Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

* If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking with others.

* Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

* Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions, “to keep them tuned up.”

* Reply to everything someone says with, “that’s what YOU think.”

* Practice making fax and modem noises.

* Make beeping noises when you back up.

* Finish all your sentences with the words, “in accordance with prophecy.”

* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”

* Staple papers in the middle of the page.

* Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.

* Honk and wave to strangers.

* Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.

* TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

* type only in lowercase.

* dont use any punctuation either

* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”

* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, “No, wait — I messed it up.” Then repeat.

* Ask people what gender they are.

* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

* Sing along at the opera.

* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.

* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

* Tell your friends that you can’t attend their party, five days prior to the event, because you’re “not in the mood

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!”

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have a phone.”

The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”

The driver of the Yugo says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”

The driver of the Yugo says, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a be be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?”

That smoker’s toothpaste you bought me isn’t any good!” the husband complained.

“C’mon, dear, just give it a try. It’ll get those nicotine stains off of your teeth in no time,” his wife replied.

“I don’t know how you can say that! I can’t even light the damn stuff!” he shouted.

——————————————————————————–

I was commuting from Brooklyn to my job in Manhattan. I’d finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to my friends at work. How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it.

A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear and asked, “Are you reading that paper?”

I stood up, turned the page, sat down on the paper and answered, “Yes.”

——————————————————————————–

A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia. Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, “What is your business in Australia?”

“I wish to immigrate,” was the Kiwi’s reply.

The customs officer then asked, “Do you have a conviction record?”

Confused, the Kiwi then replied, “I didn’t think you still needed one.”

——————————————————————————–

They think they can make fuel from horse manure … Now I don’t know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it’s sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Do you know how you can spot Ronald McDonald on the beach?
He is the only one with sesame seed buns.

What do you call a Nazi tampon?
A twatztika.

What’s the difference between Marv Albert and Sharon Stone?
Sharon Stone doesn’t wear panties.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Have you heard of the new Ken Doll. It’s called the “Child Support Ken”?
It can’t be found.

What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?
A wedding.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

How do you get five hundred cows in a barn?
Put up a “Bingo” sign.

What does a bulimic have for dessert?
Two fingers.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

“Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.”
“Yes sir,” came the reply, “it’s fresh ground.”

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon’s office.

How can you recognize a burned-out hippie?
He used to take acid, now he takes antacid.

Did you hear about the all midget porno flick?
It’s the first to feature full runtal nudity.

Did you hear they found another dead Heavens Gate member?
He was under the sink behind the Comet!

What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

What is the new O.J. web site address?
slash.slash.backslash.escape

What’s the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

What’s the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
You don’t have to be very good to get people’s attention.

What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
You can tune the lawn mower.

What’s the range of a bagpipe?
Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
Someone is blowing into it.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.

What’s the definition of “optimism?”
A bagpiper with a beeper.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with….the other is used to carry groceries.

What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?
A robber snatches watches.

Have you heard about the new sub sandwich being sold at a national food chain?
It’s called the O.J. It’s full of bologna, tough to swallow and the stupid people are still buying it!

What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.

What does Dr. Spock and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both know how to rear a child.

——————————————————————————–

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he’d been given. “This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on,” he said.

“I know,” the owner said, “But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained.”

The contractor said, “Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.”

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Adolph Hitler was having terrible nightmares, and so he decided to go to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could find the source of his problem.

“I am sorry but I am unable to help you solve your dreams,” said the fortune teller, “but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday.”

“And which holiday will this be?” he asked.

“It does not matter,” she replied. “Any day that you die will be a Jewish holiday.”

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Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, “Vietnam, 1969.”

The other hooks his thumb behind him says, “Dog shit, 20 feet back.”

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One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shut up. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so he went to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when he met a policeman.

The policeman said, “What is your name?”

“Shut up!”

The policeman replied, “Are you looking for trouble?”

“Yes!”

The policeman fumed, “Where are your manners?”

“In the toilet.”

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Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and “Americanize” their names.

Bu, called himself “Buck”

Chu called himself “Chuck”

Fu decided to return to China.

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This just in from the CNN News Room:

Poland’s Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

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A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation. “This is marvelous,” said the journalist. “What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?”

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: “Land mines.”

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Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets. According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance the building of homes and let the “little people” pay less than the going rate for rent.

Since we have only one “little person” living here it turns out that he won’t have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy covers everything. We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad.

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When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous Realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing.

The smiling super salesman said, “Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people.”

I replied, “Yeah, I agree, but couldn’t the same be said of Hell?”

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At a holiday banquet, a handsome young gentleman sits next to a very attractive but quite provocatively dressed young woman. In a moment of self-consciousness, she asks if he thinks that her dress is cut too deeply. Being a gentleman, he ponders how to confirm that without insulting the busty lady. He leans over and says, “Do you have hair on your chest?”

“No,” she answers in surprise.

He thinks again and says, “Well, in that case it IS too deeply cut.”

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A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.

Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. “You kids don’t know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn’t afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light.”

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Hal says to Robert, “Would you believe I just burned a thousand-dollar bill?”

“Jeez,” says Robert, “I envy your success.”

“What success? It was easier to burn it than to pay it.”

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“My husband’s always playing around,” Liz complained to Debbie as they pedaled their exercise bicycles one morning. “It’s made me so anxious I can’t even eat.”

“Then why don’t you leave him?” Debbie asked.

“Oh, I will,” replied Liz, “just as soon as I hit 105.”

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So O.J.’s in court the other day, and he’s getting kind of cold. He can’t take it anymore, so he stands up and says to Judge Ito, “Judge, it’s freezing in here - how about turning up the air condition?”

Ito replies, “Mr. Simpson, this is my courtroom and I’ll keep it any temperature I like.”

So O.J. says, “Well, okay, but can I have my hat and gloves back?”

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One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, come along with me then.”

“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”

“Bring them along! And you, come with too!” he said to the other man.

“But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered.

“Bring them as well!”

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The rich man replied “No, you don’t understand, the grass at my home is about six inches high!”