1. The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire

2. Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

3. You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your roommate and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!

4. Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.

5. The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.

6. Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.

7. You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heat wave and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better.

8. You hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew.

9. Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like.

10. The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red ‘biohazard’ symbols.

Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.

Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states.

Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.

Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp.

Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating up people.

Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people’s reactions when I tell them I have a ‘Vette.

Chevrolet Corvette - I’m in a mid-life crisis.

Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.

Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.

Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones.

Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.

Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.

Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.

Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit.

Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.

Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.

Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.

Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.

Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.

Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.

Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler.

MGB - I am dating a mechanic.

Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.

Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA’s Ten Most Wanted List.

Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.

Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock.

Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.

Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal.

Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet.

Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns.

Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet.

Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now.

Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife.

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no fat–the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.