What is a waterfall that goes upwards?…Viagrafalls

Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.Why?

Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”
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Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well, that’s because we aren’t married yet!
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Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap!
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Wife to husband: “What’s your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?”

Husband to wife: “Golfing with friends, my dear.”
Wife to husband: “What? At 2 a.m.?!”
Husband to wife: “Yes, We used night clubs.”
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A newly married man asked his wife, “Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”

” Honey, “the woman replied sweetly, “I’d have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!”
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Father to son after exam: “Let me see your report card.”

Son: “My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”
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“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her roommate.
“Terrible! “the roommate answered.” He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce.”

” Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?”
“He was the original owner!”
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In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

“Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.”

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told these men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: “Returned un-opened.”
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A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word “beans”.

“My father grows beans,” said one student.
“My father cooks beans,” said another.

Then little Johnny spoke up: “We are all human beans.”
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Teacher : Let’s take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens ?

Little Johnny : ” He gets stepped on. ”
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Interviewer to Millionaire: “To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”

Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?”

Millionaire: “A Billionaire!”

A new jail warden was being shown through the jailhouse by the old warden.

Soon, after making rounds around the rest of the jail, they get to the cafeteria. In one corner, he sees a group of elderly men laughing hysterically.

Interested, he watches them while the older warden gets his food. One of the men shouts out “63!” and the entire table bursts out laughing. The new warden is totally baffled by the behavior of them. “74!”, again a chorus of guffaws ring out.

The old warden comes back to the table where the new warden sits staring, and the new warden asks “What are those elderly men doing.”

The old warden smirks, and says, “Oh, those are the life timers. They’ve been in here so long, they just number their jokes.”

Meanwhile another one calls out “2!”. Nobody laughs.

The new warden leans over and asks, “What happened?” To this the warden replied, “Oh, he blew the delivery.”

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, “I wish you could talk.”

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. “You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.

“What happened?”
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”

“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

“They were smoking marijuana?”
The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”

“What else?”
The monkey motioned “kissing.”

“They were kissing, too?” asked the astounded officer.
The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”

“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked.”
The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”

“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview.

He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she sid ‘Kevin’. ‘Right’, he said, ‘what about that blond one over there?’ ‘Kevin’, she said. ‘Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?’ ‘Kevin’, she said.

‘Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?’ ‘Kevin’, she said. ‘Are all your boys called Kevin?’ he asked, ‘isn’t that terribly complicated?’

‘Not at all’, she said, ‘it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Kevin, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Kevin, it’s time for bed!, they all go to bed.’

‘I see. But what if you want only one of them?’
‘No problem.’ she answers. ‘Then I call them by their surnames.’

There was a man that was stranded, standing on nothing but a rock in the middle of the sea, waiting for someone to come. Then along comes a boat.

The man on the boat asks ‘do you want any help?’ Man on the rock replies ‘no- the Lord will save me’-so then the man on the boat went away. A helicopter then came and asked him ‘do you want any help?’ The man replied ‘no - the Lord will save me!’ Then along comes another man on a boat and asks ‘do you want any help?’ and he said ‘no-the Lord will save me’.

By this stage he was up to his neck in water. He then drowned. He was at the holy gates and asked St. Peter ‘why didn’t the Lord save me????’

St.Peter said’ he sent you 2 boats a helicpter-what more do you want!?’

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon - the veteran Pillsbury Spokesman. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Long time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very “smart” cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder:…………. What was I thinking?”

“Congratulations on your wedding day!…………. Too bad no one likes your wife.”

“How could two people as beautiful you………… have such an ugly
baby?”

“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love……… After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

“I must admit, you brought Religion in my life……….. I never
believed in Hell until I met you.”

“As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am……. that you’re not
here to ruin it for me.”

“As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me. Like the need for therapy…”

“Thanks for being a part of my life!!!………. I never knew what evil was before this!”

“Before you go,……… I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”

“Someday I hope to get married………… but not to you.”

“You look great for your age…….Almost Lifelike!”

“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me……… Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend……. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”

“We have been friends for a very long time……….. What do you say we call it quits?”

“I’m so miserable without you……………… It’s almost like you’re here.”

“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…………… Did you ever
find out who the father was?”

“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”

“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday——— So we’re having you put to sleep.”

) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
3) What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
4) What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
5) What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s ass? A mechanic.
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut.
11) Jewish dilemma:
Free PORK.
12) The three words most hated by men during sex: “Are you in?”
13) The three words women hate to hear when having sex: “Honey, I’m home!”
14) Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
15) Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.

There was a new girl in school, when asked her name, she replied “Happy-Butt”. When hearing this, the teacher said, “Go straight to the principal young lady.” At that, she went to the principal.

He asked her why she was in the office, and she said “The teacher sent me hear so you can find out my real name.” He said “well, what is your name?” she said “My name is Happy-Butt” He said “That’s not a name, I’m looking it up in the computer RIGHT NOW!”

So he looks in the computer, and he says “it lists here that your name is Gladys.” She said “Exactly, Happy-Butt, Glad-Ass… SAME THING!”