A list of phrases to use when you want to be left alone on long flights, at parties, bus rides, at the polo grounds, etc…

* Yeah, I really miss my wife (husband)… but at least I have her skin to remember her by.

* Have you ever tried cat meat?

* I just got out of prison. I’ll bet the kids at the playground really miss me.

* Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth!

* I don’t know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me gas.

* I just had a proctological exam - wow, worth every penny!

* The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me!

* (man to woman) Hey, could I borrow a tampon?

* I puked on the last person who flew next to me.

* My butt reeeally itches!

* Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose!

* My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures.

* The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator.

* Would you hold this messy Kleenex for me?

* I stepped in dog shit AGAIN?!

* I haven’t changed my underwear in over two weeks! How about you?

* My mother just told me we can’t sleep together anymore.

* Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?!

* Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?

* This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary.

* Oh damn, my diaper’s wet again!

* If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that’ll wake me up.

* Boy, that business at Waco was a mess - I got outa there just in time!

* Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood my gerbil business has really taken off.

* I’ve just been treated for tapeworms.

* Did I tell you Charles Manson’s my uncle?

* I collect aluminum foil.

* Ya know, these days a man can’t hang out with a seven year old boy without being ridiculed by his peers!

* I work in a landfill.

* I remember, not too long ago, when a man could work hard clubbing baby seals all day long and then go home and have a tall, cold one with a clear conscience

* In the memo field of all your checks, write, “for sensual massage.”

* Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

* If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking with others.

* Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

* Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions, “to keep them tuned up.”

* Reply to everything someone says with, “that’s what YOU think.”

* Practice making fax and modem noises.

* Make beeping noises when you back up.

* Finish all your sentences with the words, “in accordance with prophecy.”

* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”

* Staple papers in the middle of the page.

* Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.

* Honk and wave to strangers.

* Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.

* TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

* type only in lowercase.

* dont use any punctuation either

* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”

* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, “No, wait — I messed it up.” Then repeat.

* Ask people what gender they are.

* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

* Sing along at the opera.

* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.

* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

* Tell your friends that you can’t attend their party, five days prior to the event, because you’re “not in the mood

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!”

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have a phone.”

The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”

The driver of the Yugo says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”

The driver of the Yugo says, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a be be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?”