That smoker’s toothpaste you bought me isn’t any good!” the husband complained.

“C’mon, dear, just give it a try. It’ll get those nicotine stains off of your teeth in no time,” his wife replied.

“I don’t know how you can say that! I can’t even light the damn stuff!” he shouted.

——————————————————————————–

I was commuting from Brooklyn to my job in Manhattan. I’d finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to my friends at work. How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it.

A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear and asked, “Are you reading that paper?”

I stood up, turned the page, sat down on the paper and answered, “Yes.”

——————————————————————————–

A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia. Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, “What is your business in Australia?”

“I wish to immigrate,” was the Kiwi’s reply.

The customs officer then asked, “Do you have a conviction record?”

Confused, the Kiwi then replied, “I didn’t think you still needed one.”

——————————————————————————–

They think they can make fuel from horse manure … Now I don’t know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it’s sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Do you know how you can spot Ronald McDonald on the beach?
He is the only one with sesame seed buns.

What do you call a Nazi tampon?
A twatztika.

What’s the difference between Marv Albert and Sharon Stone?
Sharon Stone doesn’t wear panties.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Have you heard of the new Ken Doll. It’s called the “Child Support Ken”?
It can’t be found.

What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?
A wedding.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

How do you get five hundred cows in a barn?
Put up a “Bingo” sign.

What does a bulimic have for dessert?
Two fingers.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

“Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.”
“Yes sir,” came the reply, “it’s fresh ground.”

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon’s office.

How can you recognize a burned-out hippie?
He used to take acid, now he takes antacid.

Did you hear about the all midget porno flick?
It’s the first to feature full runtal nudity.

Did you hear they found another dead Heavens Gate member?
He was under the sink behind the Comet!

What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

What is the new O.J. web site address?
slash.slash.backslash.escape

What’s the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

What’s the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
You don’t have to be very good to get people’s attention.

What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
You can tune the lawn mower.

What’s the range of a bagpipe?
Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
Someone is blowing into it.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.

What’s the definition of “optimism?”
A bagpiper with a beeper.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with….the other is used to carry groceries.

What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?
A robber snatches watches.

Have you heard about the new sub sandwich being sold at a national food chain?
It’s called the O.J. It’s full of bologna, tough to swallow and the stupid people are still buying it!

What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.

What does Dr. Spock and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both know how to rear a child.

——————————————————————————–

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he’d been given. “This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on,” he said.

“I know,” the owner said, “But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained.”

The contractor said, “Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.”

——————————————————————————–

Adolph Hitler was having terrible nightmares, and so he decided to go to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could find the source of his problem.

“I am sorry but I am unable to help you solve your dreams,” said the fortune teller, “but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday.”

“And which holiday will this be?” he asked.

“It does not matter,” she replied. “Any day that you die will be a Jewish holiday.”

——————————————————————————–

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, “Vietnam, 1969.”

The other hooks his thumb behind him says, “Dog shit, 20 feet back.”

——————————————————————————–

One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shut up. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so he went to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when he met a policeman.

The policeman said, “What is your name?”

“Shut up!”

The policeman replied, “Are you looking for trouble?”

“Yes!”

The policeman fumed, “Where are your manners?”

“In the toilet.”

——————————————————————————–

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and “Americanize” their names.

Bu, called himself “Buck”

Chu called himself “Chuck”

Fu decided to return to China.

——————————————————————————–

This just in from the CNN News Room:

Poland’s Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

——————————————————————————–

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation. “This is marvelous,” said the journalist. “What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?”

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: “Land mines.”

——————————————————————————–

Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets. According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance the building of homes and let the “little people” pay less than the going rate for rent.

Since we have only one “little person” living here it turns out that he won’t have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy covers everything. We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad.

——————————————————————————–

When we were looking to buy property I had this over zealous Realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing.

The smiling super salesman said, “Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people.”

I replied, “Yeah, I agree, but couldn’t the same be said of Hell?”

——————————————————————————–

At a holiday banquet, a handsome young gentleman sits next to a very attractive but quite provocatively dressed young woman. In a moment of self-consciousness, she asks if he thinks that her dress is cut too deeply. Being a gentleman, he ponders how to confirm that without insulting the busty lady. He leans over and says, “Do you have hair on your chest?”

“No,” she answers in surprise.

He thinks again and says, “Well, in that case it IS too deeply cut.”

——————————————————————————–

A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.

Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. “You kids don’t know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn’t afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light.”

——————————————————————————–

Hal says to Robert, “Would you believe I just burned a thousand-dollar bill?”

“Jeez,” says Robert, “I envy your success.”

“What success? It was easier to burn it than to pay it.”

——————————————————————————–

“My husband’s always playing around,” Liz complained to Debbie as they pedaled their exercise bicycles one morning. “It’s made me so anxious I can’t even eat.”

“Then why don’t you leave him?” Debbie asked.

“Oh, I will,” replied Liz, “just as soon as I hit 105.”

——————————————————————————–

So O.J.’s in court the other day, and he’s getting kind of cold. He can’t take it anymore, so he stands up and says to Judge Ito, “Judge, it’s freezing in here - how about turning up the air condition?”

Ito replies, “Mr. Simpson, this is my courtroom and I’ll keep it any temperature I like.”

So O.J. says, “Well, okay, but can I have my hat and gloves back?”

——————————————————————————–

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, come along with me then.”

“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”

“Bring them along! And you, come with too!” he said to the other man.

“But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered.

“Bring them as well!”

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The rich man replied “No, you don’t understand, the grass at my home is about six inches high!”

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman’s hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog’s testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, “That’s really a nice fire engine you have there son. But I’ll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck.”

“Yeah,” Johnny replied, “But then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, “Oh,boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?”

Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny comes home from school one day. His mother asks “How was school?”

Little Johnny replies, “I had sex for the first time today!”

Little Johnny’s mother is infuriated. She tells Little Johnny to go to his room and wait for his father to get home. Later, Little Johnny’s father comes to his room, sits down and says, “Don’t tell your mother but congratulations my boy! Sex is great, isn’t it?”

The next day, Little Johnny comes home and his father asks, “Did you have sex again today, Little Johnny?”

Little Johnny replies, “No, my ass still hurts from yesterday.”

——————————————————————————–

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with “This was England’s finest hour.”

Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, “Winston Churchill.”

“Congratulations,” said the teacher, “You may go home early.”

The teacher then said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but..” Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out, “John F. Kennedy!”

“Very good,” says the teacher, “You may go also.”

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, “I wish those girls would just shut up.”

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, “Bill Clinton. I’ll see you Monday.”

Johnny was not a very good student and could always be depended upon to say something vulgar at a moment’s notice. One day in class the teacher was talking about poetry, one of Johnny’s favorite subjects.

The teacher had Mary stand up and recite a poem. She recited the poem, “Mary Had a Little Lamb” and Johnny muttered in the back of the room, “Ain’t that a bunch of shit!”

The teacher decided to ignore Johnny in the hope that he would stop these mutterings. She then had Jimmy stand up and recite “Hey Diddle Diddle.” Johnny muttered in the back again, “Ain’t that a bunch of shit”!

After two more poems and two more mutterings, the teacher said, “Johnny! I want you to go out and stand in the hall. You will not be allowed back in the class room until you have made up a rhyme and recite it to the class. And there better not be any
swear words in it!”

Even Johnny didn’t like standing idly in the hall so he came up with a rhyme and asked the teacher to allow him back in. “Okay, Johnny, let us hear your rhyme.”

Johnny recited, “As I was standing in the hall, I saw a cockroach run up the wall.”

The teacher says, “That was pretty good Johnny but, I want you to repeat it. This time, leave the ‘cock’ out.”

Johnny thinks a minute, then says, “As I was standing in the hall, I saw a roach run up the wall… with his cock out! Ain’t that a bunch of SHIT!”

——————————————————————————–

The teacher in Johnny’s school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny’s turn, he stood up and said, “My mom’s a whore.”

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal’s office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked “Did you tell the principal what you said in class?”

Johnny said, “Yes”

“Well, what did the principal say?”

“He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number.”

——————————————————————————–

A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home. Johnny said, “Yes.”

The salesman said, “Well, can I see him please?”

Johnny snickered and said, “No, he is in the shower.”

Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home. Johnny said, “Yes.”

The salesman said,” Well, can I see her?”

Johnny snickered again and said, “No, she’s in the shower too.”

The salesman then asked, “Do you think they will be out soon?”

Johnny laughed this time and said “No.”

The salesman asked why. “Well,” Johnny said, “When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some super glue!”

——————————————————————————–

It seems little farm boy Johnny accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. “Hey Johnny!!” the farmer yelled. “Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I’ll help you get the wagon up.”

“That’s mighty nice of you, ” Johnny answered, “But I don’t think daddy would like me to.”

“Aw, come on,” the farmer insisted.

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “But daddy won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Johnny thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know daddy is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish !” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”

“Under the wagon.”

——————————————————————————–

One night little Johnny was lying asleep in his bed and was awakened by a noise. He lay there for a second and realized it was coming from his parents’ room. He jumped up and ran to their room only to find them awake, having sex. He just stared wide eyed at them for a while, not knowing what they were doing. He walked a little closer to the bed and said, “Daddy?”, voice quivering, afraid and unaware of what they were doing. “What are you and Mommy doing?”

The Dad jumped a little, startled, rolled over to see his son. “Well, Johnny, I’m…um… You know how you were wanting a baby brother?”

“Yes…” replied little Johnny in a timid voice.

“Well, I’m a putting little brother in your Mommy for you.”

Johnny smiled and said, “Oh, ok!” and left the room feeling safe and secure. The Dad felt good about himself for his witty and quick, on-the-spot answer and rolled over to fall asleep in his wife’s arms.

The next day after work, Daddy came home to find Johnny sitting on the grass crying. “What’s wrong???” Daddy asked as he picked his son up filled with concern.

“Daddy! You…you know.. *sniff* my little brother that you put in Mommy?”

“Yes…” the Dad replied nervously.

“The Mailman ate him this morning!”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God.”

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, “I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love.”

Very good,” said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny’s hand up. “Oh no,” she thought, “I’m not gonna like this.”

“Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?”

Little Johnny says, “Your feet.”

The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, “Well, I was walking past my parents’ bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”

——————————————————————————–

One day Little Johnny went to his father and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny’s father said, “We have a $100,000 mortgage on the house and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.”

Christmas came around and Johnny asked again. The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high. I’m really sorry about that. Ask me again some other time.”

About two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all of his worldly possessions in a suitcase. The father asked why he was leaving. Little Johnny said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too — and DAMN if I’m going to get stuck with a $100,000 mortgage!”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself…television, ice cream, homework, video games…but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy’s uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.

For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions. After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny’s uncle, “What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven’t heard a peep from him all day!”

“Not much,” the boy’s uncle replied. “I just showed him how to masturbate.”

——————————————————————————–

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”

“I’m in love,” the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”

“With YOU!” he said.

“But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I’ll use a rubber!”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!”

The teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.”

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!!!”

——————————————————————————–

A mother bought her little boy a new set of Legos, but he was having trouble building something with them and complained to his mother. She told him to go down the street and watch the carpenters who were building a new house and maybe he’d get a few ideas.

So later in the day he came home and when his mother checked in on him, he’d built this elaborate building and she was quite impressed. She ask if there was anything she could help him with and he replied, “Yeah, could you move that top block over just a cunt hair?”

She was shocked and asked, “What did you say?!?”

He replied, “I said could you move that top block over just a cunt hair?”

She immediately told him, “Young man, you go out and get a switch right now!”

He replied, “Go get the son-of-a-bitch yourself, I ain’t no electrician!”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says, “Collect… that’ll be five dollars.”

She says, “I’m a little short on cash, but if you want, I’ll give you sex instead.”

Little Johnny says, “All right.”

He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there’s the biggest pecker she’s ever seen. Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his pecker.

She says, “You don’t have to do that. I can take all of it.”

He says, “Not for five bucks you can’t!”

——————————————————————————–

A guy’s walking down the street and sees Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, “Hey kid, you’re too young to smoke.”

Johnny looks up but says nothing.

“How old are you?”

“Six,” Johnny says.

“Six? When did you start smoking?”

“Right after the first time I got laid.”

“Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?”

Johnny says, “I don’t remember, I was drunk.”

——————————————————————————–

Little Mary is sitting in class and she starts bleeding. She whispers her problem to the teacher who tells her not to worry too much, just go home to her mother, and explain what happened.

On her way home she meets Little Johnny who has been cutting school.

Little Johnny asks Little Mary, “Where are you going?”

“I’m going home because I’m bleeding,” says Little Mary.

“Where ya bleeding?” asks Little Johnny.

So little Mary pulls down her blood soaked panties and shows him.

Little Johnny steps back in horror and says, “Why did they cut your wiener off!?”

——————————————————————————–

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, “That’s a bull and a cow, and he’s serving her.”

A little later on, he said, “That’s a stud and a mare, and he’s serving her too.”

That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, “Will you please serve the turkey?”

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, “If he does I’m eating a hamburger!”

——————————————————————————–

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase “Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life…”

“What’s wrong with that, Johnny?” the pastor asked.

“Well,” answered Johnny, “I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I’m not sure I’d like Shirley following me around all the time.”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny’s father sat down next to him on the couch one day and said, “Okay, Johnny, once there was this big, black rooster, and it was sitting on a fence post. How many wings does the rooster have?”

Johnny replied, “It has two.”

Little Johnny’s father then asked, “How many eyes does the rooster have?”

Johnny replied, “It has two.”

Little Johnny’s father then asked, “Well then, how many legs do you think the rooster had?”

Johnny replied, “It has two, daddy.”

So then, Little Johnny’s daddy said, “Well then, a big white cat walks up to where the big black rooster is standing on the fence post and opens its mouth to hiss at the rooster. How many teeth does the cat have?”

Little Johnny scratched his head and replied, “I don’t know daddy, how many teeth does the cat have?”

Little Johnny’s daddy grabbed him by the arm and exclaimed, “Alright boy, how come you know so much about big black cock and so little about white pussy?”

——————————————————————————–

One year, Johnny’s family was having the “extended family” 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state.

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor’s plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic - they even had extra food to bring. “Sure, the more the merrier!”

Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin’s neighbor, it is discovered that he’s a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Johnny, and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for the day. The family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells then the gas grill is all set to use out back - just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They head out the back, as Johnny comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says “Whew, that was close! That man’s a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?”

“Oh, yes! Nobody will ever think to look in the grill!”

——————————————————————————–

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”

The policeman said, “What’s he like?”

Little Johnny replied, “Beer and women!”

——————————————————————————–

There has been an emergency when Bert gets home from work. His 9 year old son, Little Johnny called to tell him that his younger son has been hurt, he was hit by a car. Bert rushes through the doors of the emergency room at the hospital, “I got here as fast as I could! How is Milton?”

He is told by his wife, “He’s fine. He needed three stitches in his chin.”

“Johnny told me what happened! Thank goodness he’s all right! Thank goodness he wasn’t killed! I can’t believe our Little Milty was hit by a car!”

“That’s what Johnny told you?” asks Wilma.

“Well, he said some other stuff, too, but I was running out the door? Why?”

“Are you familiar with the ‘Hot Wheels’ line of vehicles?”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny’s hand shoots up. “Not correct, Miss!” he says.

“Please explain, Johnny,” replies the teacher. “Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors’ Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went ‘ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!’ and before he could say ‘FUCK OFF!’, the dog ate him!”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park. Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum. “Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?”

Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, “Nah, that’s too old fashioned.” Johnny takes another drag, “Spit out your gum, I wanna play President.”

——————————————————————————–

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.

“Pastor,” Johnny says, “I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust.”

“That’s right, Johnny, I did.”

“And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust.”

“Yes, I’m glad you were listening. Why do you ask?”

“Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed ’cause there’s someone either comin’ or goin’!”

——————————————————————————–

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

“Oh Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really get it on, I’ve got nothing left to believe in!”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that “Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls,” and would his mother, “please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.”

So Johnny’s mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom and closes the door.

“First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse.”

So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

“Ok, now take off my skirt.” He takes off her skirt.

“Now take off my bra.”

So he does.

“And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.”

When Johnny finishes removing those, she says, “Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!”

——————————————————————————–

A teacher puts a photograph of a Tomcat on the blackboard and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat?

Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, “By fur Miss?”

The teacher replies, “Not quite right Mary, but a good try.”

Meanwhile all during the lesson Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying “Me, Miss! Me, Miss!”

The next student the teacher picks is Peter, and he answers, “Is it attached by skin Miss?”

The teacher replies, “Not quite right either, Peter… anybody else want to try?”

Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, “What do you think the tail is attached by?”

Johnny replied, “Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat… I’d say it would have to be bolted on!”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny’s father walks into the bathroom and catches him jerking off. He says, “Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby.”

The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again.

Johnny says, “Bow your head, Pop. Can’t you see we’re having a funeral?”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m very proud of that fact.”

The teacher says, “If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?”

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn’t a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.

Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process. Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt.

“No wonder you won!” he exclaimed indignantly, “You’ve got a Double-Barrel!”

——————————————————————————–

“Why do you look so glum today?” the teacher asked Little Johnny.

“I didn’t have no breakfast,” Johnny mumbled.

“You poor dear,” said the teacher. “Now, to return to our geography lesson … Johnny, where is the French border?”

“In bed with my mom. That’s why I didn’t have no breakfast.”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny came home from school crying. His mother asked him, “What’s wrong, Little Johnny? Why are you crying?”

Little Johnny said, “The kids were teasing me. They said I have a big head. They called me ‘head case’ and ‘bushel head’ and all sorts of other horrible names.”

“Nonsense, Little Johnny. Your head is no larger than the other kids. Come here and sit on my lap,” said his mother.

She told him how she loved him and how special he was and finally he stopped crying. She had cheered him up so he was his usual happy self.

“Now, Little Johnny,” she said, “I would like you to go to the store for me. Would you get a couple of quarts of milk and a large soda pop?”

“How am I going to get them home, Mommy?” asked Little Johnny. “My wagon is broken. Remember?”

“That’s okay,” she said, “Just put them in your cap.”

——————————————————————————–

Four year old Little Johnny was visiting grandma’s house for the week and one day she decided it would be all right if he had a shower with her. As they were showering Johnny looked at her and asked, “What is that?” pointing to her private parts.

Grandma was a little shocked and replied, “That is my beaver.”

A couple of weeks later Little Johnny was home again and ended up in the shower with his mother. He looked at her and said, “What is that?”

His mother said, “That is my beaver.”

Little Johnny thought for a little while and then said, “That is what grandma called it too but I think hers was dead because it’s tongue was hanging out.”

——————————————————————————–

A Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad’s do for a living. Little Mary says: “My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail.”

Little Jack says: “My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better.”

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.

The teacher says: “Johnny, what does your Dad do?”

Johnny says: “My Dad is dead.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?”

“He turned blue and shit on the carpet.”

——————————————————————————–

The teacher said, “Every Friday I will ask a question to the class. Whoever can answer my question can have Monday off from school.”

When Friday approached, the teacher asked, “How many grains of sand are there in this world?”

No one could answer her. Then they all anxiously waited till the next Friday. When Friday was finally here the teacher asked, “How many stars are there in the sky?”

Again no kid could answer.

Confused little Johnny went to thinking. As the next Friday approached he thought of something. He took to of his ping-pong ball and painted them black. Then he took them to school on Friday.

When the class was packing up to go home, the teacher started to say something, immediately he let go of his balls and since his class got so distracted by little things they started to laugh.

The teacher frowned and asked, “OK, whose the comedian with the black balls?”

Little Johnny wasting no time, replied, “That would be Bill Cosby. See ya on Tuesday!!”

——————————————————————————–

In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, “Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?”

Little Richie raised his hand and said, “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche.”

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie Marie. Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette.”

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicon.”

The teacher said, “Why Johnny?”

He responded by saying, “Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny was watching his father shower. He asked him about his balls. “Those are my apples,” he said.

Johnny ran to his mother and told her what Daddy said.

His mother asked, “Did Daddy tell you about the dead limb they’re hanging on, too?”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny says, “Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?”

His mom says, “Why, a stork, little Johnny.”

Little Johnny says, “Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?”

His mom says, “A raven, dear.”

Little Johnny then says, “Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?”

His mom says, “A swallow!”

——————————————————————————–

A teacher on playground duty noticed a scruffy little boy sitting in the dirt and intently working on something. As she approached, she saw that he was using a twig to stir something in an old soup can.

“What have you got in the can, Johnny?” she asked brightly.

He looked up at her with evil little eyes and said, “Got me some chicken shit n’ water.”

After she had recovered from her shock, she stammered, “What in the world are you doing?”

“Makin’ me a teacher!”

“Oooh!” she howled. “The principal shall hear of this!” and she stamped off to find him.

When she returned with the principal in tow, the boy was still hard at work, stirring away, frowning in concentration.

“All right, Johnny! Now, you tell me, what have you got in that can there?” said the principal.

“I got me some chicken shit an’ water,” said Johnny, grinning crookedly at the man and continuing to stir.

The principal recoiled in horror. “What do you think you’re doing?” he bellowed.

“I’ze makin’ me a principal,” Johnny replied, leering up at him.

“Well, my young friend, we’ll just see about that,” the principal said and stormed off to find a cop.

When at last he returned with a policeman, Johnny was still industriously working on his project.

“All right, me lad, what’ve ye got in the can?” the cop asked.

Johnny replied, “Got me some chicken shit n’ water!”

The cop frowned and said, “Ah, and I suppose you’ll be tellin’ me you’re makin’ a cop, now won’t ye?”

Johnny frowned down into the can, critically examining its contents. “Nope. Ain’t got enough chickenshit.”

——————————————————————————–

One day, little Johnny was walking to school with his pet 2 turtles for show and tell. While he was on his way, a truck drove by and startled him. Johnny dropped the turtles and the truck ran them over killing both of them instantly.

Johnny went along to school anyway. When the class all finished doing their show and tell projects, the teacher finally called on Johnny, “Johnny, where is your show and tell for today?”

Johnny replied, “Well teacher it’s like this, I was walking to school with my pet turtles and a truck drove by and scared me. I dropped the turtles and the truck ran his ass right over ‘em and killed ‘em!”

His teacher was in shock and very sternly stated, “Johnny, we don’t use that kind of language in school. We say rectum.”

Johnny said, “Rectum…it damn killed ‘em!”

——————————————————————————–

Realizing that their home just wasn’t big enough with the new baby in the house, Little Johnny’s parents discussed moving to a bigger one. Little Johnny sat patiently listening to his parents, then piped in, “It’s no use. He’ll just follow us anyway

I’m afraid I’ll never see you in heaven, Johnny,” the Sunday School teacher said to her most mischievous child.

“Why,” questioned Johnny, “What have you been doing wrong?”

——————————————————————————–

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

It began, “Daddy fell into the well last week…”

“My goodness!” the teacher exclaimed. “Is he all right?”

“He must be,” said the boy. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.”

——————————————————————————–

Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, young man?!” she exclaimed.

“Don’t try to stop me!” Johnny warned. “I’m gonna do this three times a day, because there’s no way I’m gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sisters!”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. “Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” he asked his mother.

“He thinks a lot,” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness.

Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, “So why do you have so much hair?”

——————————————————————————–

A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when Little Johnny, covered in soot said to him respectfully, “Sir, can you tell me the time?”

The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, “It is a quarter to three, young man.”

“Thanks,” said Little Johnny. “At exactly three o’clock you can kiss my ass.”

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.

“Why are you running like this at your age?” asked the friend.

Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, “That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!”

“So what’s your hurry?” said the friend. “You still have ten minutes.”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm.

He asked his mom, “Where’d we get him?”

His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”

Johnny says, “WOW! I can see why they threw him out!”

——————————————————————————–

“I’m ashamed of you,” Little Johnny’s mother said. “Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do.”

“He threw a rock at me!” the boy said. “So I threw one at him.”

“When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me.”

“What good would that have done?” Little Johnny replied, “My aim is much better than yours.”

——————————————————————————–

“Dad,” said Little Johnny, “I’m late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?”

Little Johnny’s father said irately, “Son, it just wouldn’t be right.”

“That’s okay,” replied Little Johnny “At least you could try.”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, “I’ll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you’re finished.”

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, “Golly, it worked!”

Puzzled, his mother asked, “What do you mean?”

Little Johnny replied, “Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you gotta spend a couple of hours playing first!”

——————————————————————————–

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says, “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?”

Sally holds up her hand and asks “is it a giraffe?”

“Very good Sally,” the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. “See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?”

Billy holds up his hand and says, “It’s a zebra.”

“Very good Billy,” the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. “See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?” Still no one guesses. “Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.”

Little Johnny shouts out, “Is it a horny bastard?”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny’s mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, “Johnny. This is where you come from.”

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as “Lucky Johnny.”

“Why?” one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, “Because I came this close to being a turd.”

——————————————————————————–

A mother bought her little boy a new set of Leggos, but he was having trouble building something with them and complained to his mother. She told him to go down the street and watch the carpenters who were building a new house and maybe he’d get a few ideas.

So later in the day he came home and when his mother checked in on him, he’d built this elaborate building and she was quite impressed. She ask if there was anything she could help him with and he replied, “Yeah, could you move that top block over just a cunt hair?”

She was shocked and asked, “What did you say?!?”

He replied, “I said could you move that top block over just a cunt hair?”

She immediately told him, “Young man, you go out and get a switch right now!”

He replied, “Go get the son-of-a-bitch yourself, I ain’t no electrician!”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says, “Collect… that’ll be five dollars.”

She says, “I’m a little short on cash, but if you want, I’ll give you sex instead.”

Little Johnny says, “All right.”

He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there’s the biggest pecker she’s ever seen. Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his pecker.

She says, “You don’t have to do that. I can take all of it.”

He says, “Not for five bucks you can’t!”

——————————————————————————–

A guy’s walking down the street and sees Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, “Hey kid, you’re too young to smoke.”

Johnny looks up but says nothing.

“How old are you?”

“Six,” Johnny says.

“Six? When did you start smoking?”

“Right after the first time I got laid.”

“Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?”

Johnny says, “I don’t remember, I was drunk.”

——————————————————————————–

Little Mary is sitting in class and she starts bleeding. She whispers her problem to the teacher who tells her not to worry too much, just go home to her mother, and explain what happened.

On her way home she meets Little Johnny who has been cutting school.

Little Johnny asks Little Mary, “Where are you going?”

“I’m going home because I’m bleeding,” says Little Mary.

“Where ya bleeding?” asks Little Johnny.

So little Mary pulls down her blood soaked panties and shows him.

Little Johnny steps back in horror and says, “Why did they cut your wiener off!?”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny was 12 years-old and like other boys his age, rather curious he had been hearing quite a bit about “courting” from the older boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining “things” to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning Johnny described everything he saw to his mother:

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he’s not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.

Finally, I found what was making them so sick - a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest!! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When sis saw it, she got really scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she’d ever seen - I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go, I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again.

Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped her by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a helluva fight. Sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel.

After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn’t dead!!! It jumped straight up and started to fight again, I guess that eel’s are like cat’s they have nine lives or something.

This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle they finally killed it again. I knew it was dead this time because I saw sis’s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet!!

His mother fainted.

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. “God? Are you really there?” Johnny said out loud.

To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds, “Yes, Johnny? What can I do for you?”

Seizing the opportunity, Johnny asked, “God? What is a million years like to you?”

Knowing that Johnny could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Johnny could relate. “A million years to me, Johnny, is like a minute.”

“Oh,” said Johnny. “Well, then, what’s a million dollars like to you?”

“A million dollars to me, Johnny, is like a penny.”

“Wow!” remarked Johnny, getting an idea. “You’re so generous… can I have one of your pennies?”

God replied, “Sure thing, Johnny! Just a minute.”

——————————————————————————–

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, “Because people are sleeping!”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. And on this day, the teacher asked the class where they thought God lived. One little girl raised her hand, and the teacher called upon her. “I think God lives in the sky, because that is where heaven is.” the girl replied. “That’s good!” said the teacher.

Another little boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him. “And where do you think God lives?” she asked. Very piously, the boy answered “God lives in each of our hearts!”

“That’s VERY good,” she smiled.

When she asked a third time, Little Johnny was the only one who raised his hand. Quietly dreading his answer, the teacher asked, “And where do you think God lives, Johnny?” “In the bathroom.” he said. “In the bathroom?” she asked, puzzled yet unable to stop herself.

“Yes, because every morning my father beats on the bathroom door and screams ‘GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?’ ”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny walks into his mother’s room and catches her topless. “Mommy, what are those?” he says pointing to her breasts.

“Well Johnny,” she says, these are balloons and when you die they inflate and float you up to heaven.” Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.

Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. “Mommy, Mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!”

“Little Johnny what do you mean?” says his mother.

“Well she’s out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both of her balloons are out. Dad’s blowing them up, and she keeps yelling, “God, I’m coming! God, I’m coming!!”

——————————————————————————–

A Teacher asks her class to use the word “contagious.” Roland the class swot, gets up and says, “Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.”

“Well done, Roland,” says the teacher. “Can anyone else try?”

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, “My grandma says there’s a bug going round, and it’s contagious.”

“Well done, Katie” says the teacher. “Anyone else?”

Little Irish Johnny jumps up and says, “Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.”

——————————————————————————–

One day at the end of class little Johnny’s teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then infer the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.”

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”

Next is little Lucy. “Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.”

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies, “Don’t count your chicks before they’re hatched.”

Last is Little Johnny. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer.Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.”

The teacher looks in shock at Little Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Johnny replies, “Don’t screw with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking.”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks, “Well, what did you learn today?”

The kid replies, “Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.”

——————————————————————————–

As most young and weak kids are, Little Johnny was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.

He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises.

The bully without asking snatched the jar from Little Johnny’s hand and asked, “What’s in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?”

“Well, they’re smart pills.”

“Smart pills?” the bully asked. Then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth. “Pweeuuweppblahhh!!” he reacted. “What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit poop!!”

“See, you’re getting smarter already.”

——————————————————————————–

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, “Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?”

Grandpa looks at him and says, “No Johnny, I will not.”

“But Grandpa, why?” asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies, “Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to.”

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny goes by his parents room and sees them having sex, and he asked his father what they were doing and the father said they were playing poker and his mother was his “Wild Card”. Johnny said ok and left.

The next weekend he is at his grandparents home and he sees his grandfather doing it to his grandmother and again little Johnny asked what he was doing. The grandfather said he was playing poker and his grandmother was his “Wild Card”. Little Johnny said ok and left.

About two weeks after that, Johnny’s dad goes by the bathroom and he hears Johnny in there he opens the door and sees Johnny masturbating. When he asked him what he was doing Johnny said he was playing poker. When his dad asked him where his “Wild Card” was, Johnny said, “With a hand like this you don’t need a “Wild Card”.

——————————————————————————–

Mrs. Smith, a third grade teacher wanted the class to play a game where one pupil starts drawing on the board, then one by one, other pupils add to it. She thinks, and decides not to start with Johnny, because he is so naughty and always has some “unusual” picture in mind. So she starts with Jane, who draws on the chalk board. Jane: “This is a house.”

/\
/ \
/ \
/ \
I I
I I
I I
I I

The teacher: “Good, Jane!” and asks Peter to draw next. Peter: “This is the front door to the house.”

/\
/ \
/ \
/ \
I I
I __ I
I I I I
I I _ I I

The teacher: “Very good, Peter” and calls Mary. Mary: “This is snow on the roof of the house.”

/\
/UU\
/ \
/ \
I I
I __ I
I I I I
I I _ I I

The teacher: “Very nice, Mary” and calls on Stevie. Stevie: “And this is the sun over the house.”

\I/
> O < /I\
/\
/UU\
/ \
/ \
I I
I __ I
I I I I
I I _ I I

The teacher said, "Very nice, Stevie" and thinks, there is not much damage that Johnny can do with this picture and asks Johnny to come to the board. Johnny: "And this is my dad, trying to pick up the soap when he dropped it in the shower."
___ ____
/ \/ \
I \I/ I
I > O < I
I /I\ I
I /\ I
I /UU\ I
I / \ I
I / \ I
I I I I
I I __ I I
__ I I I I I I___
I ____ I I _ I I______I

——————————————————————————–

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. “Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”

——————————————————————————–

The teacher decided to give a pop quiz on this week’s spelling words. She asked the students to spell the words and use them in a sentence. Three of the words were: hotel, stigma and homosexual.

Little Johnny’s answers were:
1. h-o-t-e-l The President asked Monica to keep their affair on the down low, but Linda Tripp made the ho tel.
2. s-t-i-g-m-a The President said to Monica, “I want you to stig ma cigar in your you know what.
3. h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l The President asked Monica not to wear panties because he thought it made the ho mo sexual.

——————————————————————————–

Little Johnny was late for class, and when he saw that the door was already closed, he opened it and went into the classroom tentatively. He very quietly shut the door and tiptoed to his seat hoping not to get the teacher after him.

This upset the teacher, who said him, “Johnny, is this how your father would have come in - late and sneaking to his seat? Go out and try it again, and get it right this time!”

So, Little Johnny left the room and shut the door behind him quietly, as he’d come in. Then a moment later, he flung open the door with a clatter and stomped back into the room with a lit cigarette dangling from his lips. He slammed the door behind him, put his cigarette out on the carpet with his foot and said, “So Honey, didn’t expect ME, did ya?”

——————————————————————————–

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came…Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

“It’s a period,” reported Johnny.

“Well, I can see that,” she said, “But what is so exciting about a period?”

“Damned if I know,” said Johnny, “But this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”

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“Johnny,” the teacher started, “Do you know what ‘paranoia’ means?”

“It’s not a word, teach, it’s several words,” Johnny replied.

“Whatever do you mean by that?”

“It’s like when you go into a restaurant and a well endowed waitress with a low cut uniform reaches in front of you and says, ‘Does my paranoia?’”

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Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”

Little Johnny waves his hand, “Me, me, me!”

The teacher says, “Alright, Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?”

Johnny says “Mas-tur-bate.”

The teacher smiles and says, “Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.”

Johnny says, “No, you’re thinking of a blowjob. I’m talking about a wank.”

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One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, “Good morning son.”

“Good morning pastor” replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. “Sir, what is this?” Johnny asked.

“Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,” replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny’s voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, “Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?”

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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day when the teacher said, “Class, today I am going to teach you about Custer’s Last Stand. For your homework tonight I want you to depict with a drawing the lesson I am about to give.” So the teacher goes on to relate the story of Custer’s Last Stand.

That evening at home, Little Johnny is stumped by his assignment. But all of a sudden, a light goes off in his head and he begins to draw his assignment. He is so inspired that he is convinced that he will get an “A” for the project.

The next day Little Johnny hands in his assignment and the teacher looks at it. Little Johnny had drawn a picture of a cow its head surrounded by a halo standing there praying and around the cow there were lots of Indian couples having sex.

The teacher was mortified. “Little Johnny! What is this!? I never talked about any of this yesterday!”

Little Johnny then said, “But weren’t Custer’s last words “Holy Cow!! Look at all those fucking Indians!”

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The teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Mary said, “My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, Mary, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate.’”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Again, that was good, Sally, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate.’”

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could vulgarize the word “fascinate” so she called on him.

Johnny stood by the side of his desk and said with a smile, “My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten 8.”

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Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”

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A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom where he saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!”

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning again. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, and started stroking himself, moaning, “Ohhhh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”

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One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. She told the class, “I’m going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I’m talking about. Okay, first: it’s round, plump and red.”

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely, ignored him and picked Jenny, who promptly answered, “An apple.”

The teacher answered, “No Jenny, it’s a beet, but I like your thinking. Now, for the second. It’s soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.”

Well, Johnny was hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skipped him again and called on Billy. “Is it a peach?”

“No, Billy, I’m afraid it’s a potato. But I like you’re thinking. Here’s another: it’s long, yellow, and fairly hard.”

By now, Johnny was about to explode as he waved his hand frantically. The teacher skipped him again and called on Sally. “A banana,” she said.

“No,” the teacher replies, “it’s a squash, but I like your thinking.”

Johnny was kind of irritated now, so he spoke up loudly. “Hey, I’ve got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I’ve got it: it’s round, hard, and it’s got a head on it.”

“Johnny!” she cried. “That’s disgusting!”

“Nope,” answered Johnny. “It’s a quarter, but I like your thinking