man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank. He thought to himself, ‘life isn’t so bad after all’, and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. “Thank you,” he said. “I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.”

“I am not dancing,” the armless man replied bitterly. “My asshole itches, and I can’t scratch it!”

——————————————————————————–

Joe goes to pick up his blind date at her house and when he gets there he finds out she has no arms and no legs. He’s a good sport, so he picks her up, puts her in his car, and takes her to a movie. When the movie’s over, he picks her up again and puts her back in the car.

She says, “Do you have any rope in the car?”

He says, “Rope? Why yes, I have some rope.”

She says, “Do you know that big old oak with the real low limb down the dark corner of the park?”

Joe says, “Yeah.”

She says, “Why don’t you take us there?”

When they get there, she has Joe get out the rope, undress her, and then she gives him explicit instructions how to use the rope to suspend her from the limb. And then, they proceed to have the wildest sex that Joe has ever had. When they’re done, Joe drives her home, carries her inside, and puts her on the living room couch.

As he’s leaving, her father grabs him by the arm and says, “Here, son,” and goes to hand Joe a hundred dollars.

Joe says, “I can’t take that, sir.”

Her father says, “Please, son, take the money.”

Joe says, “I can’t, sir. You see … I had sex with your daughter.”

Her father says, “Of course you did. But at least you didn’t leave her hanging from that damn tree!”

——————————————————————————–

A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. “You poor man,” she says. “I bet you’ve never been kissed have you?”

The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.

A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. “You look like you need a hug,” she says.

He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away.

A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.

“Mister,” she says, “Have you ever been screwed?”

“No,” he says with a hopeful grin.

“Well, you are now. The tide’s coming in.”

——————————————————————————–

What happened when the man with no arms tried to masturbate?
He was stumped.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a gully?
Rocky

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a field of marijuana?
Bud

What do you call an electrician with no arms and no legs?
Sparky

What do you call a plumber with no arms and no legs?
Wet

What do you call a cat with no legs?
Dogfood

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter. He won’t come when you call him anyway.

What do you call two guys with no arms or legs hanging over your window?
Curt n’ Rod

What was the name of the limbless guy that fell in the fire?
Bernie

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 6 feet under?
Doug

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 3 feet under?
Douglas

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and no torso?
Dick

What do you call a legless and armless boy on a baseball team?
First base

What was the name of the limbless guy that was boiled by cannibals?
Stu

What was the name of the limbless girl who was stuck on a femce?
Barb

What was the name of the limbless guy that worked at the soda plant?
Tab

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that sits on top of a podium?
Mike

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under your car?
Jack

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door?
Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your mail box?
Bill

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs water-skiing?
Skip

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs rolling around on the beach?
Sandy

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole in the ground?
Phil

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs trying to hold-up a bank?
Rob

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other, married to a politician?
Tipper

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on a dirt road?
Dusty

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who left a smudge on your floor?
Mark

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that just fell out of a boat?
Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs flying over a fence?
Homer

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on a grill?
Frank

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a grill?
Patty

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a pile of leaves?
Russell

——————————————————————————–

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, whereupon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: “Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my damn ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!”

Birds of a feather flock together and shit on your car.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

If you can remain calm, you don’t have all the facts.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.

If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor’s car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That’s the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It’s a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: When it’s good you don’t want to get off, and when it isn’t, you can’t wait to throw up.

Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out okay.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

If breasts had no nipples, they’d be pointless.

A misconception is not a form of birth control.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down ’til the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don’t know what I’m doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

If at first you don’t succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

Age is important only if you’re a cheese.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Keep your words soft and sweet ’cause you never know when you’ll have to eat ‘em.

Life is like a shower - one wrong move and your in hot water.

The best way to succeed in life is to start from scratch and keep scratching.

Dead owls don’t give a hoot.

The hardest thing in life is to do nothing - ’cause you never know when your finished.

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

Every village has a village idiot, except in Washington D.C. where idiot is plural.

The world isn’t crazy, only 90% of it. The other 10% is certifiably insane.

The pen stings worse than the sword, especially when you get ink in your eye.

Politics is not an exact science, it s more like a sex ed. class

Don’t let the beaten dog see the stick, blind him with pepper spray first.

Every new song can be sung to an old tune, although it could lead to major copyright lawsuits.

No amount of political freedom will ever satisfy the hungry masses. Only McDonalds can do that.

And ye shall know the truth, and the truth will set ye free, not including the 8% sales tax, that is.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Never argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able tell the difference!

If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there!

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best)

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.

Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work..

A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

If at first you don’t succeed … well, so much for sky diving.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

It’s hard to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Nothing is so screwed up that it can’t get worse.

Find your aim in life, before you run out of ammunition.

Opinions are indeed, like assholes. Some are just bigger than others.

Keep a smile on your face. It would look funny anywhere else.

A fool and his money are soon partying!

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

Reality is something you overcome.

If you want people to think you are wise, agree with them.

The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously.

Laughter is the cure for everything–unless you have a sore throat.

If it’s not one thing, it’s you mother-in-law.

I can only please one person a day, and today doesn’t look like your day…tomorrow doesn’t look good, either.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

Time is Nature’s way of making sure that everything doesn’t go wrong at once.

There’s no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.

It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Sex is like snow: you never know how many inches you’ll get or how long it is going to last.

Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students.

It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.

It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you’ve got no choice.

Life is like hemorrhoids: sometimes even the little crap can be really painful.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

Never knock on Death’s door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians…the quick and the dead.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill.

He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his fucking head