HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the chaos principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you’ve been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, “Ouch!”

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering the car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short

You’re getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO? Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If you’re a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you. However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you.

SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can’t be whipped into shape in 30 days–much less 30 minutes–employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked.

CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.

Time: 2 seconds

SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it’s a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.

Time: 2-3 minutes

SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they’re a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company’s coming.

Time: 2 minutes

SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS
Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here.

Time: 2.5 minutes

SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS
Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger.

Time: 3 minutes

SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES
No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle’s highest and best use is to hide whatever you’ve managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.)

Time: 4 minutes

SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING
The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around.

Time: 3 minutes

SECRET TIP 8: DISHES
Don’t use them. Use plastic or paper and you won’t have to.

Time: 1 minute

SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING (EEWWW)
This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teen’s mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two …if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it.

CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don’t care if they get in a car wreck.

Time: 3 seconds

SECRET TIP 10: IRONING
If an article of clothing doesn’t require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so I’m told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy.

Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair)

SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING
Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don’t bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway.

Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only

SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING
The key here is low, low, and lower. It’s not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt.

Time: 10 seconds

SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING
Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime.

Time: 0

SECRET TIP 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS
Forget one and two. Concentrate on three.

Time: 1 minute

SECRET TIP 15:

If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don’t even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home

* You gain a new and much higher threshold for pain.

* You have more than just your purse to keep from losing your car keys.

* With a little body English and a short copper wire, you can pick up pay-per-view if the weather is right.

* You can now jump car batteries without cables.

* With only a spinning table and spot light you can earn extra cash renting yourself out to Club parties.

* Those nasty stretch marks are no longer the center of attention for your husband or boyfriend.

* You always have a ready replacement if you lose your wedding ring.

* Every elf in the universe is now your loyal friend for life.

* Hanging “ten” is child’s play. Hanging “by two”?? Now that’s impressive!

* Hard vibrators can be “way more” than a girl’s best friend.

——————————————————————————–

Reasons nipple rings are a BAD idea:

* Perpetual delays at airport security scanners.

* Potential law suits from elderly people with pacemakers.

* A friend asks to see your “ring” and in a blonde moment you almost do it.

* For some reason, combs will seem like threats.

* Mud wrestling as an occupation is no longer an option.

* Cats and babies are attracted to shiny things.

* You’ll now have to deal with Velcro nightmares.

* The aging process has taken on a whole new meaning.

* Skinny dipping is a real challenge because of your artificial lures.

* Lightning… it’s not just something that happens to other people anymore