Little Joey, at the back of the class, was squirming
in his chair, not paying any attention to what was
being taught. The teacher, Miss Wanda, approached him
to find out what the problem was.

Quite embarrassed, Joey whispered that he had just been
circumcised, and he was quite itchy.

Miss Wanda sent him to the principal’s office to phone
his mom and ask her what to do about it. After making
the phone call, little Joey returned to class and sat
down.

All of a sudden, there was quite a commotion in the
back of the room. The classmates around Joey were all
laughing and giggling. Miss Wanda walked to the back
of the class to see what was causing the disturbance.
The teacher glanced over at Joey… He was sitting at
his desk with his penis hanging out.

Miss Wanda was shocked at the sight: “What are you doing?”
she gasped. “I thought I told you to call your mother!”

“I did,” replied Joey. “My Mom told me that if I could
stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from
school.”

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde
went in to try out for the job.

“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “What is 1 and 1?”

“Eleven,” she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant,
but she’s right.” Then the sheriff asked, “What two
days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”.

“Today and tomorrow.” replied the blonde.

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct
answer that he had never thought of himself. “Now, listen
carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?”, asked the sheriff.

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought
really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t
know.”

The sheriff replied, “Well, why don’t you go home and
work on that one for a while?”

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where
her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde was exultant. “It went great! First day on
the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his
chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His concerned wife was right there with a tall cool drink and
a consoling word.

“My, you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a hard day
today. What happened to make you so exhausted?”

“It was terrible,” her husband said, “The computer broke down
and all of us had to do our own thinking.”

1. You’ve gone to an unstaffed AOL room to give tech support.

2. You say “he, he, he, he” or “heh, heh, heh” instead of laughing.

3. You say “SCROLL UP” when someone asks what it was you said.

4. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.

5. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an
instant message to.

6. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had
your ignore button handy.

7. You start to experience “withdrawal” after not being online
for a while.

8. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like
this….”BRB. Leave your S/N and I^ll TTYL ASAP”.

9. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person
to sign on.

10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
coffee.

11. You end your sentences with…..three or more periods…….

12. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name
on it.

13. You think faster than the computer.

14. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}}
and **kisses**.

15. Being called a “newbie” is a major insult to you.

16. You’re on the phone and say BRB.

17. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood
shot eyes.

18. “Where did the time go?”

19. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of- life!

When you have an “I hate my job” day try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section.

You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by
“Q-tip.” Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect
the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie
down on your bed.

Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become
chipped or broken.

Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and
read it.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

“Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested.”

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,

“I am so glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip Company.”

You use your own saliva to clean your child’s face.

You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

Your kid throws up and you catch it.

Someone else’s kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.

You’ve mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes
and eggs on a plate without anything touching.

Your child insists that you read “Once Upon a Potty” out loud in
the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.

You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews
his toast into the shape of a gun.

You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it’s the only one your child
eats.

You can’t bear the thought of your son’s first girlfriend.

You hate the thought of his wife even more.

You find yourself cutting your husband’s sandwiches into cute shapes.

You can’t bear to give away baby clothes - it’s so final.

You hear your mother’s voice coming out of your mouth when you say,
“NOT in your good clothes!”

You count the sprinkles on each kid’s cupcake to make sure they’re
equal.

You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

You donate to charities in the hope that your child won’t get that
disease.

You hire a sitter because you haven’t been out with your husband in
ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.

You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

You say at least once a day, “I’m not cut out for this job”, but you
know you wouldn’t trade it for anything.

A young boy asked his mother, “Ma, is it true that people can be
taken apart like machines?”
“Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?” replied by his
mother.
The young boy answered “The other day, Daddy was talking to someone
on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary.”

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle
officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book,
she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway
Patrolmen’s Ball.” He replied, “Highway patrolmen don’t have
balls.” There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he
realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back
on his motorcycle and left.

An Italian, an Irish man and a Chinese man all get jobs at a
construction site. The boss of the site walks up to the three men,
points at a pile of sand behind him and then pointing at the
Italian says “You’re in charge of sweeping”. He then points to the
Irish man and says “You’re in charge of digging”. Finally he points
to the Chinese man and says “You’re in charge of supplies.” He
carries on speaking “I’m going to be gone for a while and when I
come back I expect to at least see you guys have made a dent in
that pile”.
The boss comes back two hours later to find the pile of sand
untouched, and the Italian and Irish man standing by. He walks up
to them and shouts “what the hell have you been doing for the last
two hours, and where’s the Chinese man?” The Italian tells him “you
put us two in charge of sweeping and digging, but we don’t have a
broom or a spade. You put the Chinese man in charge of supplies,
but he’s disappeared.” The boss looks round and searches for the
strange Orient. Suddenly when the boss approaches the pile of sand,
the Chinese man jumps from behind the sand and yells “Supplies!”

1 When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

2 When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

3 When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

4 When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping
your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.

5 When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

6 When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.

7 When you please your boss, you’re arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.

8 When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

9 When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

10 When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.