Memo To: All Employees

Subject: New Policies

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.

Surgery:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here,
you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made
to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of
the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Your Own Death:
This will be accepted as an approved excuse. However, we do
require at least 2 weeks advance notice, as it is your duty to train
your replacement.

Rest Room Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restrooms.
Therefore, in the future all employees will follow the practice of
going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin
with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with
‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20, and so on. If you’re unable to go at
your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your
time comes again.
In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with another
co-worker. However, both employee supervisors must approve this
exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time
limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

Paycheck Guide:
The following guide has been prepared to help our employees
better understand their paychecks.
Example: Gross pay £1,222.02
Income tax 244.40
Outcome tax 45.21
State tax 11.61
Interstate tax 61.10
County tax 6.11
City tax 12.22
Rural tax 4.44
Back tax 1.11
Front tax 1.16
Side tax 1.61
Up tax 2.22
Tic-tacs 1.98
Thumbtacks 3.93
Carpet tacks .98
Stadium tax .69
Flat tax 8.32
Surtax 3.46
Corporate tax 2.60
Parking fee 5.00
FICA 81.88
TGIF fund 9.95
Life insurance 5.85
Health insurance 16.23
Dental insurance 4.50
Mental insurance 4.33
Reassurance .11
Disability 2.50
Ability .25
Liability 3.41
Unreliability 10.99
Coffee 6.85
Coffee cups 66.51
Floor rental 6.85
Chair rental .32
Desk rental 4.32
Union dues 5.85
Union don’ts 3.77
Cash advance .69
Cash retreats 121.35
Overtime 1.26
Undertime 54.83
Eastern time 9.00
Central time 8.00
Mountain time 7.00
Pacific time 6.00
Oxygen 10.02
Water 16.54
Heat 51.42
Cool air 26.83
Hot air 20.00
Miscellaneous 113.29
Various 8.01

Net Pay £0.12

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to
provide a positive employment experience.

All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
comtemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came
to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen
where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it’s like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking
down your blouse.

4. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”

3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in
Human Resources.

2. Gives “Have you seen my floppy?” a whole new meaning

and (drum roll)
The number one reason to Go To Work Naked:

1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass
in here by 7:00!”

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job
when along came Ole Olson. The boss thought, I’m not
hiring that dumb Ole!, so he decided to set a test for
Ole, hoping he wouldn’t be able to answer the questions,
and he’d be able to refuse him the job without getting
into an argument.

The first question was, Without using numbers, represent
the number 9.

So Ole says, “Dat’s easy!” and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, “What the heck is that?”

Ole says, “Tree, and tree, and tree makes nine.”

“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Second question, same rules,
but represent 99.”

Ole stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on
each tree. “Der ya go sir,” he says.

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you
get that to represent 99?”

Ole says, “Each tree’s dirty now! So it’s dirty tree, and
dirty tree, and dirty tree, dats 99.”

The boss is getting worried he’s going to have to hire him,
so he says, “All right, question three. Same rules again,
but represent the number 100.”

Ole stares into space again, then he shouts, “Got It!”

He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
“Der ya go sir, 100.”

“Go on Ole, you must be mad if you think that represents a
hundred,” says the boss.

Ole leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases
and says, “A little dog comes along and poops by each tree,
so now you’ve got, dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a
turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.
When do I start da job??”

* I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

* I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.

* Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

* Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

* Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

* It’s best for employers that I not work with people.

* I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

* I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

* I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

* I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

* Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

* Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

* Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a job.

* Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

*Finished eighth in my class of ten.

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of
boredom, decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet. He
pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass
lamp. “This would look nice on my mantelpiece,” he thinks, so
he takes it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him
three wishes.

“I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!”

POOF!
A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and
guzzles it all at once.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second
wish. “I wish to be on an island where beautiful
nymphomaniacs reside.”

POOF!
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him
lustfully.

He then tells the genie his third and last wish: “I wish I’d
never have to work ever again.”

POOF!
He’s back in his government office.

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.

It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word
you’re saying.

I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of
it.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a
damn.

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?

Do I look like a people person?

This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent
lighting.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.

It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word
you’re saying.

I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of
it.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a
damn.

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?

Do I look like a people person?

This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent
lighting.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.

It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word
you’re saying.

I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of
it.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a
damn.

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?

Do I look like a people person?

This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent
lighting.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

…the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of
me.

…the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work
area.

…my assistant began responding to my memos with, “Yeah,
whatever.”

…I got a “It’s for you loser” .wav receiving e-mail, & not a
chime.

…my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.

…the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest
record.

…the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.

…I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at
work.

…my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

…my secretary sez things like “Get the phone, my nails
aren’t dry.”

…three people began helping me write a “desk manual” for my
job.

…the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10
minutes.

…a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file
cabinets.

…the receptionist began saying “Who ???” to anyone calling
on me.

A young boy asked his mother, “Ma, is it true that people
can be taken apart like machines?”

“Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?” replied
by his mother.

The young boy answered “The other day, Daddy was talking to
someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass
off his secretary.”