An airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer
starts with the basics. “So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?”

The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before
replying. “Um … 22.”

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
“And can you tell us your height, please?”

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her
handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape
to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces,
“Five foot two!”

This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics;
something the she won’t have to count, measure, or lookup. “Just to
confirm for our records, your name please?”

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds,
mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, “Jenny!”

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks,
“What were you doing when I asked you your name?”

“Oh, that!” replies the airhead,” I was just running through that
song, ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday
dear…’”

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss
thought to himself - I’m not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to
set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn’t be able to answer the
questions and he’d be able to refuse him the job without getting into
an argument.

The first question was, “Without using numbers, represent the number
9.”

Boudreaux says, “Dat’s easy” and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, “What in the world is that?”

Boudreaux says, “Tree ‘n tree ‘n tree makes nine.”

“Fair enough” says the boss. “Second questions, same rules, but
represent 99″.

Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each
tree.

“Der ya go sir,” he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, “How on earth do you get that
to represent 99?”

Boudreaux answers, “Each tree is dirty now, so it’s dirty tree ‘n
dirty tree ‘n dirty tree - dat 99.”

The boss is getting worried he’s going to have to hire Boudreaux so
he says, “All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this
time represent the number 100.”

Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, “I got it!” He
makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Der ya go
sir - 100.”

The boss looks at Boudreaux’s attempt and thinks, “Ha! got him this
time.” He then tells Boudreaux, “Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy
if you think that represents a 100.”

Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree
bases and says, “A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so
now ya got dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, and dirty
tree an’ a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?”

“Salary Theorem” states that “Engineers and scientists can never earn
as much as business executives and sales people.”

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on
the following two postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power
Postulate 2: Time is Money

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowlege therefore = Work / Money

Solving for money we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,
regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee,
either Jack or Jill. He thought he’d fire the employee who came
to work late.

The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the
manager though he would fire the first one who took a coffee break.
Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break.
Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day.
They both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he’d wait to see who would leave work
earliest, but both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally
went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said,
“Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don’t know whether to lay
you or Jack off.”

Jill said, “Well, you’d better jack off, because I’m late for
my bus.”

10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts
out in hysterical laughter.

9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.

8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC,
and DAV thrift stores.

7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.

6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and
serve it for your Easter ham.

5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is
clipping grocery coupons.

4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them
stamped, “Charity Case — Return To Sender.”

3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests
to Young America, Minnesota.

2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into
your billfold and it goes into shock.

1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain
in the mall.

Dear Manager….

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 pm and
then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minuites
to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or ever better, hover
behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives
me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t
open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a
paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case
I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the
priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it
could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be
popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down.
In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing
me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to
know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When
you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job i’m doing for you could really
change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s
nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the
story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus cheque you
received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD
have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of
living increase. I’m not here for the mony anyway.

He doesn’t get ulcers, he gives them.

His favorite expression is “My minds made up so don’t confuse
me with facts!”

When he praises you, it’s like having the hangman praise
your pretty throat.

He likes well informed employees, those whose views coincide
with his own.

and last but not least,
He knows when an idea’s good, it’s one of his.

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with
a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall
the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom
he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some
coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what went on last night. Was it as
bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. “You
made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the
entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the
company to his face.”

“He’s an asshole - piss on him.”

“You did,” Louise informed him. “And he fired you.”

“Well fuck him,” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

Then Noah decided to check and see if there was dry land.
He fired up his laptop computer which seemed to take
forever to boot up and finally, “After forty days, Noah
opened the window he had made” Genesis 8:6 . He was very
frustrated that it took him forty days to open the window,
but he was only using a 286 with 640KB of RAM, so what
could he realistically expect?

Like Noah, others were also disappointed by early versions
of Windows. 1 Samuel 19:12 records that David was let down
by a window and he fled and escaped. (Who among us has not
been let down by windows on occasions.)

You can almost hear excitement turn to disappointment in
the young woman’s voice when she exclaims “My lover is
like a gazelle or a young stag. Look! There he stands
behind our wall,…” then she realizes that he is distracted
by his new Pentium system and she continues, dejected:
“scrolling through the windows” Song of Solomon 2:9 Slight
paraphrase

Early computer viruses were often referenced, for example,
Jeremiah warns that “Death has climbed in through our
windows…” Jeremiah 9:21. In later verses he attributes
this to a woeful lack of prerelease testing. (Note: Some
manuscripts omit these verses to avoid legal reprisals)
Others had more success at using their systems, Elisha ”
Opened the east window” 2 Kings 13:17 and Jeremiah was
renown throughout the land because “He makes large windows”
Jeremiah 22:14 and was able to use the tile facility so that
“the windows were placed high, in sets of three” 1 Kings 7:4 .
Using the color feature he was able to make them “with cedar
and decorated in red” 1 Kings 7:4 also.

However, most of the Old Testament windows users were not
very productive because there was nothing in their windows
until several thousand years later when Paul “shook the dust
from his feet in protest and went to Iconium” Acts 13:51 where
first century icons were created. But even Paul himself had
difficulty with the new systems. He was later put in prison
because one of the icons named Eucalyptus fell out of the
window and was “picked up dead” Acts 20:9 which is not a good
thing.

And finally, I would be remiss if I did not point out that
the Bible also speaks to the future of Windows. How telling
are the verses in Ecclesiastes 12:3-5 where the writer predicts:
“the keepers of the house tremble, and the strong men stoop
and those Working With Windows grow dim… Then man goes to
his eternal home and mourners go about the streets.”
(Emphasis mine) Some scholars see this as predicting that
Windows will be the death of us all, but the original text
is unclear on this. Some think that the reference to “grow
dim” is referring to mental capability, not physical demise,
I think both translations have an element of truth!

“Our mouths were filled with laughter…” Psalms 126:2

Here’s a tale from the oval office
Told without rancour or malice
About intern acts
And oral sex
On the presidential phallus.

Bill’s dick was out of its stable
With Monica willing and able
To meet and greet
That piece of meat
Beneath a White House table.

Matters of state were delayed
As he wanted a little quick head
But after one slick lick
On the end of his dick
He came on her blue dress instead.

Said Monica “This is really a pain
For you’ve gone and left a big stain
But no way will I wash it
I’ll keep it and stash it
For someday I may need it again.”

Said Bill “I hope that no-one has seen us
With you going down on my penis
For no one must know
That you gave me a blow
So we’ll keep this thing strictly between us.”

But after making so messy a slip
Between Bill’s dick and her lip
Monica felt a need to confess
About the stain on her dress
To the loathsome Linda Tripp.

To her cost poor Monica found
That Linda was wired up for sound
She had her tape running
For the tale of Bill’s cuming
And that’s how the word got around.

Then Tripp told that fellow Ken Starr
Who wanted Bill’s Balls in a jar
And he created a dinsky
That made Miss Lewinsky
Hand that dress into the bar.

This guy Starr will not rest
And the Feds are doing their best
To see if that spot
Is Bill’s cum or not
By running a DNA test.

Poor Bill feels a bit of a twit
About all that Lewinsky bit
For by being immoral
And indulging in oral
He’s landed himself in the shit.

You’ll remember Bill’s pot-smoking tale
And this time he’ll surely not fail
To say ejaculations
Aren’t sexual relations
Because Monica didn’t inhale.