A guy goes into the Post Office to interview for a job. The
interviewer asks him “Are you a veteran?”
The guy says “Why yes, in fact I served two tours in Vietnam.”
“Good,” says the interviewer, “That counts in your favor.
Do you have any service related disabilities?”
The guy says, “In fact I am 100% disabled: during a battle an
explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled,
it doesn’t affect my ability to work, though.”
“Sorry to hear about the damage but I have some good news for you,
I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8:00 to 4:00.
Come on in about 10:00 and we’ll get you started.”
The guy says “If working hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you
want me to come at 10:00?”
“Well, here at the post office we don’t do anything but sit around
and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don’t need you here
for that!”

An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law
school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, “Is
it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and
then sue the landowners for lots of money?”

Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started
speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney
asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.
“No, no,” one replied. “We want to go to America and fall down on
sidewalks.”

Phrases for you to use in an interview:

“I’m extremely adept at all manner of office organization”
I’ve used Microsoft Office.

“I’m honest, hard-working and dependable”
I pilfer office supplies.

“I take pride in my work”
I blame others for any mistakes.

“I’m personable”
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

“I am very adaptable”
I’ve changed jobs a lot.

“I am on the go”
I’m never at my desk.

“I’m highly motivated to succeed”
The minute I find a better job, I’m outta here.

1. “Competitive Salary”
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

2. “Join our fast-paced company”
We have no time to train you.

3. “Casual work atmosphere”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple
of the real daring guys wear earrings.

4. “Some overtime required”
Some every night and some every weekend.

5. “Duties will vary”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

6. “Must have an eye for detail”
We have no quality assurance.

7. “Career-minded”
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

8. “Apply in person”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told that the position
has been filled.

9. “Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience”
You’ll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

10. “Problem-solving skills a must”
You’re walking into perpetual chaos.

11. “Requires team leadership skills”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the
pay or respect.

12. “Good communication skills”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they
want and do it.