Your eyes won’t get much worse.

Things you buy now won’t wear out.

There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember
them either.

A 92-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A
few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the
street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment
with the doctor again, the doc said, “You’re really doing
great, aren’t you?”

The man replied, “Just doing what you said doctor, ‘Get a
hot mamma and be cheerful.’”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart
murmur. Be careful.”

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she
was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last
days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that
she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

“Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin”

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker
told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in,
but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription
to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:

“Returned unopened”