Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about
her constipation.

“It’s terrible,” she said, “I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.”

“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.

“Naturally,” she replied, “I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour
in the morning and again at night.”

“No,” the doctor said, “I mean do you take anything?”

“Naturally,” she answered, “I take a book.”

TO: Those in our society who criticize seniors in our society for
every conceivable deficiency of the modern world.

FROM: The Seniors

MESSAGE: We take responsibility for all we have done and do not
blame others. BUT, upon reflection, we would like to point
out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:
-The melody out of music,
-The pride out of appearance,
-The romance out of love,
-The commitment out of marriage,
-The responsibility out of parenthood,
-The togetherness out of the family,
-The learning out of education,
-The service out of patriotism,
-The Golden Rule from rulers,
-The civility out of behavior,
-The refinement out of language,
-The dedication out of employment,
-The prudence out of spending, or
-The ambition out of achievement,
-Prayers & Christmas out of the public schools
-The acceptance of lying and deceit from presidents,
-And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and
tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

Remember…….Inside every older person is a younger person wondering
what the heck happened!

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check up and the
doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor
asked, “What do you attribute to your good health?”
The old timer said, “I’m a turkey hunter and that’s why I’m in
such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out chasing
turkeys up and down the mountains.”
The doctor said, “Well, I’m sure that helps but there has got
to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?”
The old timer said, “Who said my dad’s dead?”
The doctor said,”You mean you’re 80 years old and your dad’s
still alive? How old is he?”
The old timer said, “He’s 100 yrs old and in fact he hunted
turkey with me this morning and that’s why he’s still alive..he’s
a turkey hunter.”
The doctor said, “Well that’s great but I’m sure there’s more to it.
How about your dad’s dad…how old was he when he died?”
The old timer said, “Who said my grandpa’s dead?”
The doctor said, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your
grandfather’s still living! How old is he?”
The old timer said, “He’s 118 yrs old.”
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point and said, “I guess
he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?”
The old timer said, “No..Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because
he got married.”
The doctor said in amazement, “Got married!! What would a guy
118 years old want to get married for?”
The old timer said, “Who said he wanted to get married?

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks
into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to
pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t
remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

21. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

An older couple were in bed, and the husband was trying
to go to sleep. The wife felt like talking much to the husband’s
displeasure.

When we were courting you used to hold my hand, the wife said. So
the husband reached over held her hand for a moment and then settled
down to sleep.

Then you used to kiss me, she said. The husband sighed and rolled
over and gave her a peck on the check. He then tried to go to sleep
again.

After that you used to bite my neck, said the wife. The husband
angrily threw back the covers, and got out of bed. The wife said,
where are you going?

The husband replied, to get my teeth.

An older couple were in bed, and the husband was trying
to go to sleep. The wife felt like talking much to the husband’s
displeasure.

When we were courting you used to hold my hand, the wife said. So
the husband reached over held her hand for a moment and then settled
down to sleep.

Then you used to kiss me, she said. The husband sighed and rolled
over and gave her a peck on the check. He then tried to go to sleep
again.

After that you used to bite my neck, said the wife. The husband
angrily threw back the covers, and got out of bed. The wife said,
where are you going?

The husband replied, to get my teeth.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the
beach?”

1. Sag, You’re it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over
6. Doc Goose
7. Simon says something incoherent
8. Hide and go pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners

An elderly spinster called the lawyer’s office and told the
receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will
prepared.
The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient
time for the spinster to come into the office.
The woman replied, “You must understand, I’ve lived alone all my life,
I rarely see anyone, and I don’t like to go out. Would it be possible
for the lawyer to come to my house?”
The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to
the spinster’s home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the
will.
The lawyer’s first question was, “Would you please tell me what you
have in assets and how you’d like them to be distributed under your
will?”
She replied, “Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I
have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank.”
“Tell me,” the lawyer asked, “how would you like the $40,000 to be
distributed?”
The spinster said, “Well, as I’ve told you, I’ve lived a reclusive
life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I’d like them to notice
when I pass on. I’d like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.”
The lawyer remarked, “Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a
funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But
tell me,” he continued, “what would you like to do with the remaining
$5,000?”
The spinster replied, “As you know, I’ve never married, I’ve lived
alone almost my entire life, and in fact I’ve never slept with a man.
Before I die, I’d like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to
sleep with me.”
“This is a very unusual request,” the lawyer said, adding, “but I’ll
see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.”
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the
eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how
much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of
coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.
She said, “I’ll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car
until you’re finished.” The next morning, she drove him to the
spinster’s house and waited while he went into the house. She waited
for over an hour, but her husband didn’t come out. So she blew the
car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head
out and yelled, “Pick me up tomorrow! She’s going to let the County
bury her!”

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.

He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking.
He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed,
crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into
the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.

With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was
just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As
he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind,
his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

Gasping for breath, he asked her, “Why did you do that?”

“Those are for the funeral.”