Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to
the first old man, “What is three times three?”

“274″ was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is
three times three?”

“Tuesday” replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three
times three”?

“Nine” says the third man.

“That’s great!” exclaims the doctor. “How did you get that”?

“Jeez, Doc, it’s pretty simple,” says the third man. “I just subtracted
274 from Tuesday.”

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to
Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother
and said, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the
flight attendant.
So the boy asked the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The flight attendant asked, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”
He said that she had.
So she said, “Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on
time.”

A old Irish woman brought an old picture of her dead husband, to
a photographer and asked him if he could touch it up as it was
the only photo she had to remember him by. The Photographer
assured her that when he finished with the photo she would think
it had just been developed.
He also asured her that he could remove all the wrinkles and the
scratches from the photo and asked her if that was all she wanted
done on the photo to which she replied, well he’s wearing his old
rubber wellington boots and I never really cared for them, could
you do something about that. The photographer said he could make
it look like he had his sunday best shoes on. She was really
delighted and asked him if he could do something with the old
moth eaten jumper her husband was wearing in the photo to which he
said he could make it look like a new jumper. By this time she
was really overjoyed and said that she never liked the hat he had
on and wanted to know if the photographer could remove the hat
from the picture. He convinced her he could easily do that, and
asked her what side of his head he parted his hair on.
“I forget,” she said. “But sure you can see that for yourself when
you take off his hat.”

Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few
times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards
when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at
me…..I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I
just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but
I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you
need to know?”

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One
day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker
with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, “I want to
join your club.” The guy was amused, but said that she needed to
meet certain requirements in order to join their elite club. The
biker asks, “Do you have a motorcycle?” The little old lady replies,
“Yep… my bike’s parked over there”, and points to a Harley Davidson
Sportster parked in the driveway. The biker asks, “Do you drink?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep…drink like a fish. I’ll drink
any man in your club under the table.” The biker asks, “Do you
smoke?” The little old lady replies, “Yep…smoke like a chimney.
At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the
evening, while I’m shooting pool.”
The biker is very impressed and says, “Last question…..have you ever
been picked up by the fuzz?” The little old lady thinks for a minute
and says, “Nope…but I’ve been swung around by the nipples a few
times.

My mother taught me to read when I was three years old (her first
mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the
cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked
my mother why she was keeping ‘napkins’ in the bathroom. Didn’t
they belong in the kitchen???

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that
those were for “special occasions”. Now fast forward a few months…..

It’s Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor
and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they
were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst
into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.

Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who
almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the
table with a “special occasion” napkin at each plate, with the fork
carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so
they didn’t hang off the edge!!??!!.

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response
sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. “But, Mom,
you SAID they were for special occasions!”

Take time to laugh; it’s the music of the soul.

Your eyes won’t get much worse.

Things you buy now won’t wear out.

There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember
them either.

A 92-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A
few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the
street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment
with the doctor again, the doc said, “You’re really doing
great, aren’t you?”

The man replied, “Just doing what you said doctor, ‘Get a
hot mamma and be cheerful.’”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart
murmur. Be careful.”

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she
was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last
days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that
she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

“Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin”

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker
told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in,
but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription
to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:

“Returned unopened”

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into
bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers.

“Oh honey”, said the young nymph, “Does that mean we’re going to
do it three times?”

“No”, said the old man, “It means you can take your pick.”