A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A king’s castle is his home.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anarchy is better that no government at all.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
As you read the scroll, it vanishes…
Automobile – A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I’ve never tried before.
Brain — the apparatus with which we think that we think.
BATCH – A group, kinda like a herd.
Computer hackers do it all night long.
Computer modelers simulate it first.
Computer programmers don’t byte, they nybble a bit.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Courage is your greatest present need.
CLEARASOL – Effective sunspot remover.
Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.
Death is Nature’s way of saying ’slow down’.
Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
Documentation is like sex: When it’s good, it’s fantastic, when it’s bad…
Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
Don’t hate yourself in the morning — sleep till noon.
Drive defensively — buy a tank.
Earn cash in your spare time — blackmail friends.
Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality.
Familiarity breeds children.
God didn’t create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
GAY ABANDON – Homosexual repellent perfume.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
Herblock’s Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
History does not repeat itself, — historians merely repeat each other.
I’m defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
If you don’t change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
If you’re not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. Albert Einstein
It works better if you plug it in.
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
Jury — Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
KODACLONE – duplicating film.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
Life’s a bitch, then you die.
Lynch’s Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
MOP AND GLOW – Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
QUARKBAR – the candy with flavour and charm.
QUASIMOTO – 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.
Reality’s the only obstacle to happiness.
Screw up your life, you’ve screwed everything else up.
Silver’s law: If Murphy’s law can go wrong it will.
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
SQWERTY – Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
The road to to success is always under construction.
Those who can’t write, write help files.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
TRAPEZOID – A device for catching zoids.
Wasting time is an important part of life.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When in doubt, don’t bother.
Xerox does it again and again and again and…
XMODEM – A spot-marking transfer protocol.
YTERM – A terminal program for queries.
When in doubt, ignore it.
I’d insult you, but you’re not bright enough to notice.

It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.

Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee free.

If Yoda a great Jedi master he is, why not a good sentence construct can he?

People will remember you better if you always wear the same outfit.

HeÕs dead, JimÉ You take his tri-corder and IÕll search his pockets.

I donÕt like the Smacks cereal commericals; I donÕt like the idea of a frog jumping on my breakfast.

All things are possibleÉ except for skiing through a revolving door.

Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.

Losing your driverÕs license is just GodÕs way of saying ÒBOOGA, BOOGA!Ó

If you love a thing of beauty, set it free. If it doesnÕt come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least IÕll always have each other.

Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Is Sonny really kookoo for Cocoa Puffs, or is he just being paid to say that?

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Parker’s Law:
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Those who can’t write, write manuals.

The brain is a wonderful organ: it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.

You’d be paranoid too if everybody hated you.

All generalities are false.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Boob’s Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Things are more like they used to be than they are now.

There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.

It has been said that we only use 15% of our brain. I wonder what we do with the other 75%?

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If you have a difficult task, give it to someone lazy … that person will find an easier way to do it.

You know it’s going to be a bad day when your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.

The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
– Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
– Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
– Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– George Burns

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
– Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There
was water in the carburetor.” I said, “Where’s the car?”
She said, “In the lake.”
– Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
– Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
– Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured
at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman.
Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
– Erma Bombeck

What does DIANA stand for?

Died In A Nasty Accident

wots the difference between a jew and a pizza …… a pizza dont scream when you throw it in the oven

Two Pakis have opened a sandwich bar on the underground,they expect to make a bomb