A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A king’s castle is his home.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anarchy is better that no government at all.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
As you read the scroll, it vanishes…
Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I’ve never tried before.
Brain — the apparatus with which we think that we think.
BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd.
Computer hackers do it all night long.
Computer modelers simulate it first.
Computer programmers don’t byte, they nybble a bit.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Courage is your greatest present need.
CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover.
Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.
Death is Nature’s way of saying ’slow down’.
Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
Documentation is like sex: When it’s good, it’s fantastic, when it’s bad…
Don’t force it, get a larger hammer.
Don’t hate yourself in the morning — sleep till noon.
Drive defensively — buy a tank.
Earn cash in your spare time — blackmail friends.
Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality.
Familiarity breeds children.
God didn’t create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
GAY ABANDON - Homosexual repellent perfume.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
Herblock’s Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
History does not repeat itself, — historians merely repeat each other.
I’m defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
If you don’t change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
If you’re not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. Albert Einstein
It works better if you plug it in.
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
Jury — Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
KODACLONE - duplicating film.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
Life’s a bitch, then you die.
Lynch’s Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
QUARKBAR - the candy with flavour and charm.
QUASIMOTO - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.
Reality’s the only obstacle to happiness.
Screw up your life, you’ve screwed everything else up.
Silver’s law: If Murphy’s law can go wrong it will.
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
The road to to success is always under construction.
Those who can’t write, write help files.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids.
Wasting time is an important part of life.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When in doubt, don’t bother.
Xerox does it again and again and again and…
XMODEM - A spot-marking transfer protocol.
YTERM - A terminal program for queries.
When in doubt, ignore it.
I’d insult you, but you’re not bright enough to notice.

It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.

Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee free.

If Yoda a great Jedi master he is, why not a good sentence construct can he?

People will remember you better if you always wear the same outfit.

HeÕs dead, JimÉ You take his tri-corder and IÕll search his pockets.

I donÕt like the Smacks cereal commericals; I donÕt like the idea of a frog jumping on my breakfast.

All things are possibleÉ except for skiing through a revolving door.

Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.

Losing your driverÕs license is just GodÕs way of saying ÒBOOGA, BOOGA!Ó

If you love a thing of beauty, set it free. If it doesnÕt come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least IÕll always have each other.

Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Is Sonny really kookoo for Cocoa Puffs, or is he just being paid to say that?

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Parker’s Law:
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Those who can’t write, write manuals.

The brain is a wonderful organ: it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.

You’d be paranoid too if everybody hated you.

All generalities are false.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Boob’s Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.

Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Things are more like they used to be than they are now.

There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.

It has been said that we only use 15% of our brain. I wonder what we do with the other 75%?

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If you have a difficult task, give it to someone lazy … that person will find an easier way to do it.

You know it’s going to be a bad day when your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.

The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
– Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
– Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
– Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– George Burns

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
– Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There
was water in the carburetor.” I said, “Where’s the car?”
She said, “In the lake.”
– Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
– Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
– Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured
at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman.
Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
– Erma Bombeck

What does DIANA stand for?

Died In A Nasty Accident

wots the difference between a jew and a pizza …… a pizza dont scream when you throw it in the oven

Two Pakis have opened a sandwich bar on the underground,they expect to make a bomb

What do you do after you’ve raped a deaf and dumb girl?…. Break her fingers so she can’t tell her mum!!

Why are New Yorkers always depressed? The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.

You’re so poor, you have a big hole in the wall and call it central air.

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned during spring training.
~*~

What’s the difference between a blond and a washing machine?
You can drop your load in a washer and it won’t follow you
around you for a week.
~*~

Why do corporate honchos like to slap their assistants on
the back?
Before they stab them in the back, they like to tenderize
the meat.
~*~

If you could fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas would be produced to create the energy of an
atomic bomb.
~*~

Why is a condom like a Kodak print?
They both capture that special moment.
~*~

When I die, I want to die peacefully, in my sleep. Like my
grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like the passengers In his car.
~*~

WANTED: charcoal salesman. Must be a self-starter.”
~*~

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
~*~

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed…
Oh wait! He does!
~*~

What do you call female Viagra?
Jewelry
~*~

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
~*~

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks.
~*~

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where the tits went.
~*~

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
~*~

Why did the woman cross the road?
What’s that bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place.
~*~

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow
~*~

Why did God create women?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
~*~

British Sex Pervert
Did you hear about the British sex pervert who broke into a
gift shop and performed lewd acts with the porcelain figures?
They charged him with statue Tory rape. Apparently, he is a
Hummel sexual.
~*~

The NFL announced today in a press conference that one team
from the league needed to be eliminated.
What officials have decided to do is combine the Green Bay
Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team
therefore saving jobs.
They will be known as the TAMPACKS… They’re only good for
one period and have no second string.
~*~

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said,
“I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”
“Me either doc.” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook
and really good with the kids.”
~*~

A blonde was taking the tour of a national park not long ago.
The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils
had been found in the area.

The blonde exclaimed, “Wow. I can’t believe the dinosaurs
would come this close to the highway!”
~*~

What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle?
A dope ring.
~*~

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and
half the time they don’t work.
~*~

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
~*~

How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
~*~

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
~*~

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
~*~

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you…
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatmeant.
Don’t you think it’s worth the extra effort?
~*~

If it was true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?
~*~

Click ‘n Drag….a transvestite approaching in high heels.
~*~

Q: What is the meaning of a 3 1/2 floppy?
A: An excellent reason to end a relationship.
~*~

Q: Why do hunters make the best men for the job?
A: Because they always go deep in the bush, shoot twice and
eat what they shoot.
~*~

Q: A blonde a brunette and a redhead, all in the 3rd grade
who has the biggest tits?
A: The blonde, she’s 18.
~*~

What’s the difference between the pope and the president??
You only have to get on one knee for the pope.
~*~

Why does Bill Clinton wear boxer shorts?
To keep his ankles warm.
~*~

I hear Clinton is going to get off of the obstruction of
justice charges. Turns out he didn’t ask her to lie on her
deposition. He only asked her to lie in a different position.
~*~

A recent poll asked women around the country if they would
sleep with President Clinton. 70% said never again.
~*~

Q. How does a teenage schoolboy propose marriage?
A. YOUR HAVING A WHAT!
~*~

Q. Whats the definition of eternity?
A. From the time you cum, till the time she goes home.
~*~

Q: What did Bill Gates’ wife say to him on their wedding night?
A: “Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!”
~*~

Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal
thermometer?
A: By the taste
~*~

Q. What do you call 2 skunks doing a 69?
A. Odor Eaters…
~*~

Q. What’s the difference between a BONUS and a PENIS?
A. Your wife will blow your bonus.
~*~

Q. Why do bald guys have holes in their pockets?
A. So they can run their fingers through their hair!
~*~

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals Hair Spray
~*~

Q: What is the difference between men and women:
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need…
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
~*~

Q: Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
~*~

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don’t fit right in the crotch!
~*~

Q: What’s the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then
tell him to pick only one.
~*~

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
~*~

Chads

Not too far into the past, our “esteemed” leader, Monica’s
boyfriend, insisted that “if there was no penetration, there
was no sex”
It seems like it should therefore follow: If the ballot is
not penetrated, there is no vote.
~*~