If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all
the money go?

Mrs. Meyers said to the little Rick, “Son, have you given your
goldfish fresh water?”
“No,” Rick said. “They didn’t drink the water I gave them last week.”

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down
the video camera and come help me!

I went to the dentist.
He said “Say Aaah.”
I asked “Why?”
He said “My dog’s died.”

If you stand in the middle of a library and go ‘Aaaaaaagghhhh’,
everyone just stares at you, but you do the same thing on an
airplane, everyone joins in.

We live in a mobile home. There are advantages to liveing in a mobile
home. One time, it caught on fire. We met the fire department half
way.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a dark side and a light side and
it holds the universe together.

Dogs come when they’re called.
Cats take a message and get back to you.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Mary had a little lamb…that’s what she gets for sleeping
in the barn.

Don’t be irreplaceable: If you can’t be replaced, you can’t
be promoted.

Cats are intended to tell us that not everything in nature has a
function.

Some days you are the bug, some dqys you are the windshield.

The trouble with unemployment is, the minute you wake up in the
morning you are on the job.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither of them work.

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

If you tell the truth, you will not have to remember anything.

Writing is a profession in which you have to keep proving your talent
to people who have none.

No one listens until you make a mistake.

I will not eat oysters, I want my food dead, not wounded, not sick,
DEAD.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back into your pocket.

Sex is like air — it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and a leaky tire.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

We are born naked, wet and hungry and then things get worse.