A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the
station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours
ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his
wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and
started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up
and said, “Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug
store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a
splitting headache.”

“Certainly, honey,” he said, and feeling his way across the
dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said
the druggist, “I know you - aren’t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick,
right?”

“Yeah, so?” said the officer.

“Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?”

(True Story)
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing
a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a
photocopy machine.

The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed
the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the
truth.

Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.

I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me!
Good job!

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to
be a police officer.

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Gee, Officer! That’s terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning,
too!

What do you mean, “Have I been drinking?” You’re the trained specialist.

Hey, is that a 9mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

A man was driving down a deserted highway when he noticed a sign
that read: “SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION — 10 MILES.”

Thinking it was a figment of his imagination, he drove on. Soon,
he saw another sign which said: “SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION - - 5 MILES.”

Realizing these signs were for real, he drove on, and sure enough,
there was a third: “SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION —
NEXT RIGHT.”

His curiosity got the best of him, and he pulled into the driveway.
On the far side of the parking lot was a somber, stone building
with a sign on the door that read: “SISTERS OF MERCY.”

He climbed the steps, rang the bell, and the door was answered by
a nun in a long black habit. She smiled and asked, “What may we do
for you, my son?”

“I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly
doing some business.”

“Very well, my son. Please follow me,” said the nun. He was led
through many winding passages, and soon he was very disoriented.
The nun stopped at a closed door and told the man, “Please, knock
on this door,” and left.

The man did as he was told, and this door was opened by another
nun in a long, black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructed
him: “Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large
wooden door at the end of this hallway.”

He placed the money in this nun’s tin cup. He ran eagerly down the
hallway, and slipped through the door, pulling it shut. As the door
locked behind him, he found himself back in the parking lot, facing
another small sign: “Go in peace. You have just been screwed by the
Sisters of Mercy.”

Things you you probably said at Thanksgiving that sound dirty the
rest of the year.

Whew, that’s one terrific spread!
I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
Talk about a huge breast!
It’s Cool Whip time!
That’s the tastiest pie I ever ate.
If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!
Are you ready for seconds yet?
It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
Don’t play with your meat.
Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
You still have a little bit on your chin.
How long will it take after you stick it in?
You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
Wow, I didn’t think I could eat all of that!
How many are coming?
That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen! Just lay back and take it
easy — I’ll do the rest.

Things you you probably said at Thanksgiving that sound dirty the
rest of the year.

Whew, that’s one terrific spread!
I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
Talk about a huge breast!
It’s Cool Whip time!
That’s the tastiest pie I ever ate.
If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!
Are you ready for seconds yet?
It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
Don’t play with your meat.
Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
You still have a little bit on your chin.
How long will it take after you stick it in?
You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
Wow, I didn’t think I could eat all of that!
How many are coming?
That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen! Just lay back and take it
easy — I’ll do the rest.

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident,
he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. “We’re
sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have
some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said, “We have some bad news, some good news,
and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.”

So the policeman said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this
morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay.”

“Oh my god!” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Remembering
what the policeman had said, he asked, “What’s the good news?”

“Well,” said the policeman, “when we pulled her up she had two
five- pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.”

“If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?” Mr. Wilkens
demanded.

The policeman said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow
morning.”

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking
spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a
couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young
man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young
lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate.

The police officer walked up to the driver’s window and knocked.
The young man looked up and obligingly cranked down the car window.
The boyish looking driver said, “Yes, Officer?”

“What are you doing?” the policeman asked. “What does it look
like?” answered the young man. “I’m reading this magazine.”

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then
asked, “And what’s she doing?”

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, “I think she’s
knitting a sweater.”

Confused, the officer asked, “And how old are you, young man?”

“I’m nineteen,” he replied.

“And how old is she?” asked the officer.

The young man replied after glancing at his watch, “Well, in about
twelve minutes she’ll be eighteen.”

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he
was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the
beat.

He stopped the car and asked, “Why, Mike, this wouldn’t be your new beat
out here in the sticks, would it?”

“That it is,” Mike replied grimly, “ever since I arrested the judge on
his way to the masquerade ball.”

“You mean you pinched his honor?” asked Pat.

“How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?” demanded
Mike.

“Well,” mused Pat, “’tis life and there’s a lesson in this somewhere.”

“That there is,” replied Mike. … “‘Tis wise never to book a judge by
his cover.”