Two young ladies were talking and one of them asked the other one, “Did you ever get picked up buy the fuzz?”

The other girl answered, “No but it sure must hurt.”

One day a man is speeding on the interstate and a police officer falls in behind him and turns on the blue lights.

The man thinks, “I can get away from this COP…” He commenses to increase his speed and escape from this officer.

After a minute or so, he realizes that he’s not going to escape, so he pulls over.

The Police Officer steps up to the window of his vehicle and tells the man, “I was on my way home and have had a very long day. If you can give me a good enough excuse, I’ll let you go with a warning.”

The man thinks for a second and says to the officer, “About two weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. I honestly thought that you were him trying to give her back to me…”

A man walked into an Oakland bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog was wearing an Oakland Raiders jersey and helmet, and was festooned with Raiders pom-poms.

The bartender said, “Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You’ll have to leave!”

The guy begged him, “Look, I’m desperate. We’re both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!”

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there’s any trouble, the bartender relented and allowed them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

The big game began with the Raiders receiving the kickoff. They marched down the field, got stopped at about the 30, and kicked a field goal.

With that the dog jumped up on the bar, and began walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.

The bartender said, “Wow, that is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! What does the dog do when the Raiders score a touchdown?”

The owner replied, “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for 4 years.”

A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats and the police didn’t have anything to go on!!

A man was caught trespassing on an old farm boy’s place in Mississippi. The farm boy ended up in jail charged with assault with deadly weapon, the trial was in progress when the defense attorney called the defendant to testify. The defendant being uneducated and scared thought he would just be honest and answer the questions as best he could. When the defense attorney got around to asking the man if it was true that he did shoot the victim on his property, he said yes he shot him with 00 buck. The defense attorney then asked if he shot him in self defense. He replied no! I shot him in the ass, he jumped the fence.

One warm summer evening as dusk approached, a snail was sliding home from a day at the lake.

Along the way, Mr. Snail had to venture into a shady part of the neighborhood. Careful though he was, Mr. Snail was unexpectedly approached from behind by two rogue turtles. The turtles commenced to attack Mr. Snail, striking him about the head and tail with their front and rear legs. They robbed him of what little valuables he carried with him, leaving him for dead.

As luck would have it, a police officer on routine patrol came across the batted snail — still clinging on to life. As the officer awaited for medical assistance to arrive, he empathetically began his preliminary investigation into this heinous crime.

“Tell me, Mr. Snail, who did this to you?” the officer inquired.

“I don’t know,” responded the snail, in obvious pain and confusion, “it all happened so fast . . . ”

There was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill and theres a lot of testing and background checking involved before one can be considered for the position.

After sending a few selected applicants through the background checking and testing, they were narrowed down to just 2 men and a woman. Only one position is available.

The day came for the final test to see which person to give the classified job. The CIAs administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun ‘We must know that you will follow all instructions no matter what the circumstances are’, they explained, ‘Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.’ The applicant got a shocked look on his face and said ‘you can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife.’

‘Well’ said the CIA, ‘youre definitely not the right man for the job.’

So they bring in the second man to the same door and hand him the gun.

The second man looked shocked but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out with tears ‘I tried to shoot her, I couldn’t just pull the trigger, I guess I’m not the right man for the job.’

‘No,’ the CIA replied ‘You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.’

Now it’s the woman applicants turn. lead her to the door gave her the gun.

You’ll find your husband sitting in a chair take this gun and kill him.

The woman took the gun, opened the door and closed it.

The CIA heard the gun firing. One shot after another , for 13 shots. Then hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls and floor. Went on like this for several minutes, then all was quiet the door slowly opened, there stood the woman.

She wiping the sweat off her brow with her arms said, ‘You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair.’

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Quiet!” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,”

“And I said be quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you, the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the guy in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

During a traffic stop a police officer is swatting at a fly that is circling around his head, and blurts out what kind of damn fly is that anyhow. The traffic offender replies, “that’s a circle fly”. The officer replies that he’s never heard of a “circle fly”. The offender replies circle flies are usually found circling around a horses ass. Enraged, the police officer says, “are you calling me a horses ass?”, to which the traffic offender replied, “no sir, but you can’t fool a circle fly.

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, “Why, Johnny, this wouldn’t be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?”

“That it is,” Johnny replied grimly, “ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball.”

“You mean you pinched his honor?” asked Pat.

“How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?” demanded Johnny.

“Well,” mused Pat, “’tis life and there’s a lesson in this somewhere.”

“That there is,” replied Johnny. “‘Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover.”