1. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t
plugged in.

2. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

3. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me.
Good job!

4. Are You Andy or Barney?

5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a
police officer.

6. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

7. I pay your salary!

8. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me
a warning, too!

9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no
other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.

11. When the Officer says “Gee Son….Your eyes look red, have
you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with, “Gee
Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

Click here to send a Laugh

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic
light, and next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said
to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

The kid said, “Yeah.”

The cop said, “Well next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that
bike.” The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle
safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket. Before he rode off he said, “By the way,
that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

Humoring the kid, the cop said, “Yeah, he sure did.”

The kid said, “Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath
the horse, instead of on top.”

** During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a
strip club at least once.

** When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
other.

** St. Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of year.

** All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying
beside her.

** The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective
- or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

** All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

** It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to
talk you down.

** The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place
- no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can
travel to any other part of the building undetected.

** Police departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar
opposite.

** The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

** All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

** If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
ammunition, even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.

** You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you
make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back
home.

** Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will
not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

** If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or
killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or
his forthcoming art exhibition.

** A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

** When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out
a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be
the exact fare.

** Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at
night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

A lady called the police to report that her husband was
missing. When the police arrived and asked for a
description, she said, “He’s six-foot-tall, with wavy blond
hair and an athletic build.”

The police went door-to-door looking for more information.
But the woman who lived at the next house said, “What? That
woman’s husband is five-foot-four, with no hair and a beer
belly the size of Australia!”

The police immediately returned to ask the first lady why
she gave a false description for her husband.

The lady sighed and replied, “Just because he’s missing,
that doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated
speed trap that measured his speed using radar and
photographed his car. He later received in the mail a
ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of
payment, he sent the police department a photograph of
$40. Several days later, he received a letter from the
police that contained another picture of handcuffs.

Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding?
The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his
window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. The kid
replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver
and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage
a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the
crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said
“I wish you could talk.” The monkey looked up at the officer
and shook his head up and down. “You can understand what I’m
saying?” asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

“Well, did you see this?”

“Yes,” motioned the monkey.

“What happened?”

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it
up by his mouth.

“They were drinking?” asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”

“What else?”

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his
mouth.

“They were smoking marijuana?”

The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”

“What else?”

The monkey motioned “kissing.”

“They were kissing, too?” asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”

“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking
and kissing before they wrecked.”

The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”

“What were you doing during all this?”

“Driving” motioned the monkey.

A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids
through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously
frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign. “Hey, lady, have you
forgotten how to stop?” yelled an irate man. She rolled down her
window and yelled back, “What makes you think these are all mine?”

There’s three cops that go to the same bar after work every night.
Two of the cops are veterans and one is a rookie. One night the
rookie and one of the veterans are sitting around and the third
veteran comes into the bar with the biggest shit eating grin on
his face. The other two cops ask him, “Why are you so happy?” He
tells the other two cops, “Well last night I had the best sex in
my life with my wife. I hid my pistol cocked and loaded under the
pillow. When I was about to cum I fired a shot into the air. Her
pussy got really tight and we both came at the same time.”

The next night the the other veteran comes into the bar with a shit
eating grin on his face and tells the other veteran, “Thanks for
the advice. Last night I had the most incrediable sex with my wife.
I was doing her doggy style and when I was about to cum I fired my
pistol. We both had a spontaneous orgasm. It was great”

The next night the two veterans see the rookie come into the bar
pissed as hell kicking chairs as he made his way over to them. The
rookie says, “Well I took your advice! My wife and I were doing
sixty nine and I fired my gun! The bitch almost bit off my dick
and she shit in my face!”

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at
22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous
as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies —
two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white
as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to
be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you
should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be
a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the
speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman
says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain
a chuckle explains to her that “22″ was the route number, not the
speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the
officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in
this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t
muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off
Route 119.”