Police officers George and Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, “Damn, I was
running late this morning and forgot to put on my panties! We have to
go back to the station to get them.”

George replied, “We don’t have to go back. Just give Fido my trusty
police dog one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you.”

It was a hot day and Mary didn’t fell like heading back to the station, so
she lifted her skirt for the dog.

Fido’s nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10
seconds of sniffing, Fido’s ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he
is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.
Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens
get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido
rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant’s balls in his mouth!

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for
a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited
hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the
judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day
and he would have to return the next day.

“What for?” he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared,
“Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s why!”

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented.
“That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”

The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two
more words.”

Two yankees are driving through Texas, when they get
pulled over by a State Trooper. The Trooper walks up,
taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver
rolls down the window and WHACK! …

The trooper smacked him right on top of the head with
the stick. The driver finally comes to and asks,
“What the hell was that for!?”

The Trooper says, “You’re in Texas, son. When we pull
you over, you better have your license ready when we
get to your car.”

Not wanting to make his situation with the law any
worse, the driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not
from around here.”

The Trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and
he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back and
walks around to the passenger side and taps on the
window.

The passenger rolls his window down, and WHACK! The
trooper smacks him with the nightstick also.

After he recovers, the somewhat dazed passenger asks,
“Holy smokes, Man!! … What did you do that for?”

The cop answers, “Just making your wishes come true.”

Still incredulous, the passenger follows up with,
“Huh?”

The Trooper says, “I know how you yankees are! Two
miles down the road you’re gonna say, “I wish that
redneck bastard would’ve tried that shit with me!’”

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police
helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and
began to issue a traffic ticket. “How did you know I
was speeding?” the frustrated driver asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.
“You mean,” asked the motorist, “that even He is
against me?”

A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked to the first, “What’s your
name and address?”

“I’m Paddy O’Day, of no fixed address.” The cop turned to the second
drunk, and asked the same question. “I’m Seamus O’Toole, and I live
in the flat above Paddy.”

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force
fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good
aircraft. “Obviously the Air Force knows there’s no such thing as
a ‘perfectly good aircraft,’” the irritated officer finally countered
one afternoon, “because they pay you bastards four times as much
to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump.”

“You’ve got it all wrong, Major,” the Air Force pilot replied. “The Army
figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily
is gonna be too dumb to argue about the salary.”

Marie was listening to the radio and heard a traffic report of a car
going the wrong way on State Road 64.

Knowing that her husband, John, had gone to the eye doctor that morning
and was traveling on that particular highway, she became alarmed.

She called John on his cellular phone to warn him of the danger.
When John answered, she was relieved to give him the warning, to which
John replied,

“ONE car!?! There are hundreds of them!!!”

(when you get pulled over)

10. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged
in.

9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

8. You’re not gonna check the trunk are you?

7. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no
other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to
be a police officer.

5. Officer says, “Son, Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?”
You respond with, “Officer, your eyes looked glazed, have you been
eating donuts?

4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good
job!

3. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning too!

2. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

l. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told
Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

“Where do you live?” asked the operator.

Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”

The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, “How ’bout if I
drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”

A guy on a date parks his car and gets the woman in the back seat.
They make love, but the woman wants it again and the guy complies.
She wants more so they do it again, but she still wants more.
Exhausted, the guy says, “Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve
myself.”

While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a
flat. He asks the man, “Look, I’ve got this gal in my car and I’ve
given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I’ll
change your flat if you’ll take over for me.”

So the man agrees & gets into the car. He is just getting into
“high-gear” when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on
them. The cop asks, “What are you doing in there?”

The guy says, “I’m making love to my wife.”
The cop asks, “Why don’t you do that at home?”
The guy answers, “To tell you the truth, I didn’t know it was my
wife until you shined the light on her.”