1. Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America……do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America……do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

10. Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.

The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. ” In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak”.

The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, ” In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands …! “

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington’s ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, “George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?”

“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked.

“Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,” advised Tom.

Clinton didn’t sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. “Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Clinton asked.

“Go to the theatre.”

Before his infamous haircut on the tarmac, Clinton asked his stylist Christophe, “How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will this look?”

Christophe replied just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous. An hour and fifteen minutes later, Clinton looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed him a bill for $200.

Clinton gasped, “You took too long, it doesn’t look that great, and it is costing me ten times more than you said!”

Christophe replied, “That makes us even.”

It’s still the economy.
And he’s still stupid.

Clinton and Gore,
Gone in four!

Honk if Bill Clinton says you’re rich!

Bumper sticker on Arkansan car:

If you can read this
You’re not from here

Impeach Clinton!
And her husband, too!

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and the Secretary of Defense all wanted to go to Oz, to visit the Wizard of Oz. Bill looked at Al and asked him why he wanted to go. Al said that he needed a brain, and Bill agreed with him.

Then, Bill asked the Secretary of Defense why he wanted to go, and he said that he needed a heart. Bill also agreed with him. Then both looked at Bill and asked him why he was going. He answered, “I’m looking for Dorothy!”