President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. “Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter.

“It’s me, Bill Clinton”.

“What bad things did you do on Earth?”

Clinton thought a bit and answered, “Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. I guess I had some affairs, but you couldn’t hold that against me because no one called them affairs! And I lied, but I didn’t commit perjury.”

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ Don’t ‘abandon all hope’ upon entering but don’t hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.”

The following are actual signs found on church property.

“No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace.”

“Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!”

“Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.”

“Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!”

An ad for St. Joseph’s Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, “For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets.”

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, “Open Sundays,” the church reciprocated with its own message: “We are open on Sundays, too.”

“Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!”

A singing group called “The Resurrection” was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, “The Resurrection is postponed.”

“People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.”

“God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.”

“Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!”

“When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright.”

“Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.”

“Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily.”

“How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?”

“Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives”

“Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.”

“Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children.”

“It is unlikely there’ll be a reduction in the wages of sin.”

“Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.”

“If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.”

“If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.”

“Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.”

“This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?” —> (U R)

“Forbidden fruit creates many jams.”

“In the dark? Follow the Son.”

“Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.”

“If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.”

The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of the year. For 1992’s parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them. The parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons of the most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical and strategic bombers.

Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was suitably impressed. Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the parade, there was a disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits tagging along behind the last artillery pieces. “Who are they?” he asked.

“Ah,” said Yeltsin, “those are our economists!”

“But I thought this parade was military…” said Clinton, confused.

“Mr. Clinton,” said Gorbachev, “have you SEEN the damage those men can do?”

After agonizing for several days over the situation in former Yugoslavia where ethnic Serbs, Bosnians, and Muslims are engaged in a fierce and bloody civil war, President Clinton today announced that he is strongly in favor of diversity.

An American, a Brit and an Iraqi are in a bar one night having a beer.

The Yankee, drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In the States our glasses are so cheap that we don’t need to drink from the same one twice.”

The Brit, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, “In Britain we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don’t need to drink out of the same glass twice either.”

The Iraqi, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the American and the Brit.

He says “In Baghdad we have so many Americans and Brits that we don’t need to drink with the same ones twice

Q: What’s the difference between Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky.

A: Close, but no cigar.

A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding

A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding and he notices her eyes are red.
He says, “Gee, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?”

Jenna replies, “No officer, but gee, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?

The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip!

Gary Condit is found dead with a smile on his face. Police investigators find his scorched body and determine he had been struck by lightning.

“Why’s he smiling?” one officer asks.

The other replies, “He thought he was having his picture taken.

It’s finally come out why George W. is pushing childhood literacy.

He wants America’s children to be better off than he is