The Lord spoke to Noah and said, “Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.” And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

“OK,” Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, “I’m your man.”

“Six months and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. “You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!”

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

“Noah!” shouted the Lord, “where is My ark?” A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

“Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark’sconstruction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system.”

My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.”

“Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the Ministry of Natural Resources that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn’t let me catch them, so no owls.”

“Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.”

“Just when the suit got dismissed, Environment Canada notified me that I couldn’t complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.”

“Then, the Conservation Authority wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!”

“Right now, I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission over how many minorities I’m supposed to hire.”

“Revenue Canada has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the province that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don’t think I can finish the ark in less than five years.”

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you are not going to destroy the world?” he asked hopefully.

“No,” said the Lord, “the government already has!”

Hercules, Snow White and Quasemoto were sitting at a table talking.

Hercules says, “I think I’m the strongest man in the world but it hasn’t been proven yet.”
Snow White says “I think I’m the fairest lady in the land but it hasn’t been proven yet.”
Quasie says “I think I’m the ugliest,meanest son of a gun in the world but it hasn’t been proven yet.”

The next day Hercules and Snow White are sitting at the table and Hercules says, “It’s true I’m the strongest man in the world for God told me so”.
Snow White says ” It’s true I’m the fairest lady in the land for God told me so.”

Just then, Quasie started walking up the road really steamed and says ” Guys can you do me a favor? Tell me who the heck is Janet Reno?”

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

“Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!”, she exclaimed.
“No”, said the genie, “You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.”

“Lets see,” says Monica, “I don’t need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage.”

“And I don’t need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I’ll have all the money I could ever want.”

“I would like to get rid of these love handles, though.” “Yeah, that’s it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.”

Poof!, and just like that, her ears were gone!

Bill Clinton got off his helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said “Nice pigs, Sir!”

The President replied “These are not pigs. They are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.”

The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, “Nice trade, Sir!”

Here are some “actual” bumper stickers reportedly seen on cars around the DC area:

HONK! If you had sex with the President
Clinton: We forgive you…Now Resign!
Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency
Adultery IS NOT a family value
Does character matter YET?
One More Whore And We Get Gore
Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat
My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student
Jail to the Chief
Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President
The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility
If his private life doesn’t matter, let him date your daughter.
Save the President: Legalize Perjury
Two terms for Clinton: the second in jail
Clinton: Our Nation’s Fondling Father

One of the nation’s largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America’s shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, “Clinton Soup”, that will honor one of the nation’s most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water!

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: “I don’t know, I never had one.”

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use? Chelsea asked her dad, “Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?” Bill Clinton replied, “No, some begin with ‘After I’m elected’.”

Clinton’s mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as “Walking Eagle” because he is so full of crap he can’t fly.

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America’s finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Revised judicial oath: “I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.”

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason!

Q: What’s the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
A: In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote.

Q: How will history remember Bill Clinton?
A: The President after Bush.

Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.

Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
A: “Don’t hit your head on the desk.”

Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President’s day?
A: All pants half off.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
A: They both blew the big one several times.

Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in government?
A: The Executive Branch.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common?
A: They both have slots which say “Insert Bill” here.

There are a lot of folks that can’t understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.

Well, here’s the answer: It’s simple. nobody bothered to check the oil.

Didn’t know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical.

All the oil is in Alaska, Texas, and Oklahoma,
and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

“WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?”

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:
“I had a terrible time with Iran, so I’ve come for some courage.”

“No problem” says the Wizard, “WHO IS NEXT?”
Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain.”
“Done” says the Wizard.

“Who comes next before the Great Wizard?”
Up steps George Bush sadly, “I’m told by the American people that I
need a heart.”

“I’ve heard it’s true” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?”

And Willie replies - “Is Dorothy around?”

Democrats announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party’s political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others.