DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.

SON - What’s up, Dad?

DAD - There’s a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

SON - I don’t believe; if I understand the definition of “scratch the car”; that I can say, truthfully,that I scratched the car.

DAD - Well, it wasn’t there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

SON - Well, as I’ve said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

DAD - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I’ll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did “I” scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - Are you trying to tell me you didn’t drive the car into the mailbox?

SON - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

DAD - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

SON - No sir, that’s not my statement. I’ll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

SON - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

DAD - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

SON - No. No, that’s not correct. Your question was “Did I scratch the car?” From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car… the mailbox did… I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of “No” when you asked “Did I scratch the car” was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

DAD - Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar?

SON - From The President of the United States.

Boy: Dad, what’s politics?

Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we’ll call me the management. Mom receives most of it so we’ll call her the government. We’ll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son?

Boy: I still don’t understand dad.

Dad: Think about it for a while son.

That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he’s soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she’s asleep he goes in to the maids room but she’s in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can here him.

The next day…

Son: Dad I understand politics now.

Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son.

Son: The management is screwing the working class while the government’s fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of SHIT!

Reporter: Governor Clinton, what damage do you think has been done to your campaign by your wife’s comment the other day about how “Hitler was really a great guy”?

Clinton: (Mixture of sadness and anger, but articulate as always.) Hillary and myself are shocked, outraged, and deeply saddened by this terrible misunderstanding. The media hype is way out of proportion. You guys should know us by now–we would never say anything like that. And though she did say a few things about Germany she certainly didn’t mean anything offensive by her remarks, which I might add have been willfully and shamefully taken out of context and distorted. There is nothing in my life, or Hillary’s life, which can be construed as derogatory toward the German people. We honor them. Some of our best friends are Germans. My own grandmother was one-quarter German. And it certainly isn’t true that Germans are excluded from our country club. In my eleven years as Governor of Arkansas I was responsible for hiring more German-Americans than my three predecessors combined. We have some pie charts which we’ll pass around for all you boys so you have the whole story. Once the American people know all the facts they’ll understand just how ridiculous this is.

Part of this just naturally comes from being the frontrunner, although I never thought of myself that way or wanted to be called that. You boys just keep taking your best shots. The American people have seen the worst of me and they aren’t turned off by what we stand for. But this latest outrage is just too much. You boys ought to be ashamed. Sleaze for soundbites, trash for cash, that’s what this is. We have good reason to believe the audio tapes were doctored. We’re not even sure if that’s Hillary’s voice. You guys ought to have checked this out better before launching a major attack on my wife. The whole story was phony to begin with. In fact, our sources suggest that this is is just the latest manifestation of the vicious smear campaign orchestrated by the white house, who have declared many times that they will do whatever it takes to win this election. And that’s part of the reason that we’re so outraged about this–the very gall of the whole thing. The only Nazis you find in America these days are people like David Duke, who of course is a Republican, not a Democrat. But I certainly don’t mean to imply that George Bush has any Nazi skeletons in his closet. As I told Hillary just this morning, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

It also comes as no surprise that Governor Brown has jumped on the bandwagon and has repeated these ridiculous charges every chance he gets. It is clearly in Governor Brown’s interest to do whatever he can to turn the discussion away from his “flat tax” proposal which would spell disaster for the people of this nation. And former Senator Tsongas, although he tried to claim he was above such things, has also chimed in with a few comments of his own and he maintains he isn’t even running any more. Unlike Senator Tsongas and Governor Brown, I’ve always tried to focus on issues, and God knows we’ve tried to avoid misleading or negative campaigning of any kind. (Turning up the heat, getting more dramatic.)

The millions of citizens of this great country who are out of work or scared of losing their jobs or their health insurance know what I stand for. People are genuinely disillusioned with the way things are in Washington, and this kind of sideshow just reinforces their disgust. People have been let down, they’ve been shafted by Washington. They want to know whether they have a vehicle for their resentment. I have always run my campaigns as a change agent. I’m as much of an outsider as anybody. I ran the first ad against the congressional pay raise!

Certainly this is a sad commentary on the manipulation of the media, and the people, by evil forces who oppose our candidacy. Here we are trying to bring everyone together in this country so that we can work for the future, and once again vicious lies are spread about us and guerrilla tactics are used against us. Besides, I thought you guys were supposed to be on my side. It is just plain cowardice to keep bringing this up and attacking my wife instead of raising honest issues like the need for more submarines, my support for a middle class tax cut, the way Senator Tsongas wants to break the backs of poor honest retired folks by slashing their social security payments, how opposed I am to raising the gas tax, or the way Jerry’s flat tax would cripple the nation. Maybe Hillary should have just stayed home in Arkansas and baked some cookies