Can you imagine working for this organization? It has less than 1000 employees with the following statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?

It’s the 535 members of The United States Congress; the same group that cranks the laws designed to keep the rest of us in line. Are the inmates running the asylum?

How do you stop a Taliban tank?

Easy… shoot the guy pushing it!

We’ve heard Clinton’s earlier remarks regarding lying to the American public.

Here’s your right to know the following . . .

(check date and source)

“Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media with pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social value under the public’s ‘right to know.’ Pornography is pornography, regardless of the source.”

-Kenneth Starr, 1987, with Dianne Sawyer

A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.

Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.

She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word “country,” and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said “rock ‘n’ roll;” the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.

A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed, “Asshole!”

…The radio cut over to George Bush’s press conference

BAGHDAD, IRAQ- April 23, 1997 - Saddam Hussein today announced his pledge to fight terrorism, starting with “the fool who crashed my 286 with junk e-mail spam”. The iron fisted leader went on to state that it took nearly five years to scavenge the countryside for stray computer parts “just to get on the net.” After months of receiving busy signals from America Off Line, Saddam was finally able to negotiate (handshake) with the AOL server. He then went to download his e-mail, expecting to receive the customary AOL welcome e-mail message. But much to his dismay he was hit hard by Sanford Wallace’s spam puking Cyber-Bomber Program.

The attack consisted of endless copies of the exact same junk e-mails such as “Get Rich Quick”, “Internet Porno Site Adverts”, etc., etc.. The attack was so hard & heavy that Saddam’s 120 MB hard drive simply crashed within a matter of minutes. Saddam stated that Mr. Wallace has got himself in the same predicament as Salman Rushdie, and will have nowhere to hide.

Reaction amongst netizens was generally positive, and in total agreement with Saddam’s decree.

Sources at the Pentagon stated that Mr. Wallace will most likely be placed in the Wit-less Protection Program (funded by a new tax on all e-mails).

Furthermore, Pentagon Officials were so impressed with the capabilities of the Cyber-Bomber Program, that this highly effective technology will now become property of the Department of Defense. No further details were given in regards to further research and development of junk e-mail spamming as a weapon of mass irritation.

Mr. Spamford Wallace was unavailable for comment.

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up? Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!

Hillary Clinton was on her way somewhere when he came across a little boy selling puppies. She stops and asks the boy “What kind of puppies are they?”

The boy replies, “They’re Democratic puppies, Ma’am.” With this she smiles and walks off.

Later on that day she mentions to Bill about the boy and his puppies and suggested that it might be nice to have a puppy around the house. The next week Bill was on his way to McDonald’s and saw the boy and his puppies. He stops and asks the boy, “What kind of puppies are they?”

The boy replies, “They’re Republican puppies, Sir.”

“Republican puppies?” Bill asked. “Last week you told my wife they were Democratic puppies.”

The boy replied, “I know, Sir. But since then they opened their eyes.”

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight’s special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.

“The chicken sounds good, I’ll have that,” Hillary says.

The waiter nods: “And the vegetable?” he asks.

“Oh, HE’ll have the fish,” Hillary replies.

Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms.

At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks, “Nice pigs, Mr. President”

Clinton replies, “I’ll have to let you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary.. So, now what do you think?”

The honor guardsman answers: “Nice trade, Sir.”

DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.

SON - What’s up, Dad?

DAD - There’s a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

SON - I don’t believe; if I understand the definition of “scratch the car”; that I can say, truthfully,that I scratched the car.

DAD - Well, it wasn’t there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

SON - Well, as I’ve said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

DAD - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I’ll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did “I” scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - Are you trying to tell me you didn’t drive the car into the mailbox?

SON - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

DAD - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

SON - No sir, that’s not my statement. I’ll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

SON - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

DAD - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

SON - No. No, that’s not correct. Your question was “Did I scratch the car?” From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car… the mailbox did… I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of “No” when you asked “Did I scratch the car” was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

DAD - Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar?

SON - From The President of the United States.