A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.
He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps
from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his
first jump from an airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. “So,
did you jump?” the father asked.
“Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the
sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men
got up and just walked out of the plane!”
“Is that when you jumped?” asked the father. “Um, not yet. Then the
sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out
the door.”
“Did you jump then?” asked the father.
“I’m getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump.
He told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my ass.”
“So, did you jump?”
“Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the
door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The
Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.
He said to me, ‘Boy, are you gonna jump or not?’ “I said, ‘No, sir. I’m
too scared.’”
So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I
swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
“He said, ‘Boy, either you jump out that door, or I’m sticking this
little baby up your ass.’”
“So, did you jump?” asked the father.
“Well, a little, at first…”

The following are actual statements found on insurance
forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details
of an accident in the fewest possible words.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at
my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided
with a tree I don’t have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning
of its intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up
when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other
way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s
face.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number
of times before I hit him.

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone
pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my
way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang
up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other
car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep
at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble
when my universal joint gave way causing me to have
an accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared
in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.
I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck
a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another
vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car
and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing
my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the
other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run so I ran
over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced
off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy
in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was
later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

1. Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough
money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

2. Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets.

3. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and
their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office
and don’t need their picture taken. They are also very happy with
their current phone service. If you’re still with me, leave your
name and number and they will get back to you.

4. The College Special. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of
those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.

5. If you are a burglar calling to check, then we’re probably at
home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a
message.

6. Hi. I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like.
Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

7. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.
Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of
your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff
of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future
to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for
your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound
of the tone. Thank you.

The Jones were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The
man should be here soon.”

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
“Good morning madam. I’ve come to…”

“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Jones cut in.

“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty
of babies.”

“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat.”

After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room
floor is fun too; you can really spread out!”

“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and
me.”

“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“My, that’s a lot of. . . ” gasped Mrs. Jones.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be
in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m
sure.”

“Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Jones said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown
London.”

“Oh my God!!” Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with.”

“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Jones.

“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,
pushing to get a good look.”

“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in amazement.

“Yes”, the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
packed it all in.”

Mrs. Jones leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your,
…equipment?”

“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work.”

“Tripod?”

“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too
big for me to hold very long.”

Madam? Madam?…Good Lord, she’s fainted!”

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so
he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punch,
20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event,
he was furious.

“What’s the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?”, he
demanded. “Half the audience walked out before I finished.”
Jenkins was baffled. “I wrote you a 20-minute speech,” he
replied. “I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for.”

NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two
pigs and Kiki, a stunning blond.

When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off.
Contact is made: “Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over.”

“Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear.”

“Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?”

“Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the
moon landing. Over.”

“That’s right. Over and out.”

They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage. “Hello, Pig 2?
Come in please.”

“Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear.”

“OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?”

“Yes, when we’ve landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on
the green button to initiate the launch program.”

“That’s right, Pig 2. Over and out.”

An hour later, when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the
last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts
again. “Houston here, Kiki, come in. Kiki do you read us?”

“Kiki here, reading you loud and clear.”

“Kiki, do you remember your instructions?”

“Yes,” Kiki says, “I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any
buttons.”

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk
people and their customers.

Customer: “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a
document, but the computer won’t boot properly.”
Tech Support: “What does it say?”
Customer: “Something about an error and non-system disk.”
Tech Support: “Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?”
Customer: “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an Intel inside.”

Tech Support: “Just call us back if there’s a problem. We’re open 24
hours.”
Customer: “Is that Eastern time?”

Tech Support: “Ok, now click your left mouse button.”
Customer: (silence) “But I only have one mouse.”

Customer: “Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.

Tech Support: “Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?”
Customer: “No, I only have 3 of them.”

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Customer: “Ok.”
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?”
Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.”

Customer: “Now what do I do?”
Tech Support: “What is the prompt on the screen?”
Customer: “It’s asking for ‘Enter Your Last Name.’”
Tech Support: “Ok, so type in your last name.”
Customer: “How do you spell that?”

Customer: “I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message.”
Tech Support: “Did you install the update?”
Customer: “No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?”

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer,
a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the
car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers
look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics
of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that
maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything,
comes up with a suggestion, ‘Why don’t we close all the windows,
get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it’ll work !?’

On Friday morning, I was refueling my vehicle at a local station
and there was a construction worker at the next pump refueling his
truck. Apparently, the nozzle jammed and gasoline spewed out in his
direction, soaking the left arm of his work coat. He hit the
emergency shut off and stopped the gas spill.

As it turned out, this guy ended up in front of me while driving
away. After the first traffic light, I noticed this guy is driving
around with his window open because of the smell of gas coming from
his,coat (it was 20 degrees outside so this seemed unusual to everyone
else).

Not thinking, this rocket scientist apparently lights a cigarette in
the truck and yes, his gasoline soaked jacket sleeve is now a two
alarm fire. He was feverishly waving his arm outside of the window in
a vain attempt to put out the flames. Just as traffic was pulling
over as everyone was witnessing this, a police officer stops in traffic,
and the officer runs over to the now stopped burning man with a fire
extinguisher and promptly put him out.

While attempting to provide assistance myself, I witnessed the officer
check to see if the man was okay. After determining only his jacket
was burned, the officer placed this guy into handcuffs and informs him
that he is now under arrest. The charge … ?¿?
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>(Wheeeeeee …. here we go!)
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>(Hey, whatcha doin’?¿?)
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>(I just looooooooooooove this!¡!)
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>(Do you even remember the joke still?¿?)
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>(You sure?¿?)
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>(Oh, alright, I’ll letcha have the punchline; geesh!¡!)
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>(Maybe)(lol)
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>(Opps, I forgot the joke. I’ll scroll back up and reread it.) (Gimme
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>(Ready?¿?)
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>(Whew; Me, too!¡!)
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>Illegal possession of a Fire Arm.

The old professor got his young teaching-assistant to go for a
ride in his sports car. Trying to impress her, he squealed the
tires at several intersections in a row.
“I’ll bet you’re hard on tires,” she said.
“I’ll bet it doesn’t,” he promised.