Two politicians were carrying on a conversation in a restaurant
when all of a sudden, one yelled at the other, “You’re lying!”.

The other politician responded, “I know, but hear me out.”

10. “I see the flat tax wouldn’t apply to you.”
9. “Inflation isn’t the only thing going up around here.”
8. “I’d like you to exercise my pocket veto.”
7. “Could you give my voting lever a little pull?”
6. “I said I wanted to keep the government out of the bedroom,
but I didn’t mean this senator.”
5. “Hello, my name is Sen. Bob Packwood….”
4. “…and have you met my friend Sen. Ted Kennedy?”
3. “Would you like to import some fine foriegn salami?”
2. “Do you wanna go stuff the ballot box?”
1. “I’ve got an economic stimulus package right here in my pants…er,
uh, pocket.”

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her
right away.

She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He said,
“That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to
a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of
his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a
half-tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife
position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the
towel.

She said, “That was incredible!”

He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told
you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about
thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out
of breath.

He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”

“No.” she said, “I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of
the canal.”

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for
advice on what to wear. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him
think you are a pauper.”

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant
suit and tie.”

Confused, the man went to a philospher, told him of the conflicting
advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

“Let me tell you a story,” replied the rabbi. “A woman, about to be
married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear
a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. ‘Wear
your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.’”

The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem
with the IRS?”

“No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.”

Dear Sirs:
Last year, I upgraded Girlfriend 1 to Wife 1. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing, which took up
a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon
was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other
system activity. Applications such as Pokernight and Beerbash no
longer run; the system crashes whenever those programs are opened.
I cannot seem to purge Wife 1 from my system. I am thinking about
going back to Girlfriend 1, but un-install does not work on this
program. Can you help me?
Sincerely,
Confused Husband
_______________________________________
Dear Sir-
This is a very common problem that many men complain about, but the
confusion is mostly due to a foundational misconception. Many men
upgrade from Girlfriend 1 to Wife 1 with the idea that Wife 1 is
merely a utilities & entertainment program. Actually, Wife 1 is an
OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It
is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the
system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1 because
Wife 1 is not designed to do this. Some men have tried to install
Girlfriend 2 or Wife 2, but end up with more problems than original
system. Look in your manual under “Warning: Alimony/ChildSupport.”
I recommend you keep Wife 1 and just deal with the situation. Having
Wife 1 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire
section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must
assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur.
The best course of action is to push the apologize button, then the
reset button, as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smoothly
as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1 is a great
program but is very high maintenance.
Sincerely,
Tech Support

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled
in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through
your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your
share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However,we require at least two
weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future,
we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10,
employees who names being with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so
on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to
wait until the next day when your time comes again.
In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker.
Both employees’ supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet
paper roll will retract, and the stall door open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees
better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount
Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $2.22
Down tax $1.11
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $3.46
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $5.00
F.I.C.A. $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Reassurance $0.11
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Unreliability $10.99
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union donts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Sundry $12.09
Various $8.01
_______
NET TAKE HOME PAY $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input
should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week

If the Presidential election were today, would you…

Vote for Bush.

Vote for Gore.

Secede.

A young man goes to a doctor for a physical examination. When he
gets into the room, the man strips for his exam. He has a dick the
size of a little kid’s little finger. A nurse standing in the room
sees his little dick and begins to laugh hysterically. The young man
gives her a stern look and say, “You shouldn’t laugh, it’s been
swollen like that for two weeks now!”

Read this out loud:

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is an cat

This is idiot cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word only, in each line
from the start.

=================================================================

*These aren’t your father’s cigars … or your mother’s, for that
matter.

*When’s the last time you had a good stiff Cuban?

*Because size really does matter.

*The bigger the hole, the bigger we roll.

*Available in small, medium, and donkey sizes.

*The “fun-to-put-in” carcinogen!

*New ribs for her pleasure. (oops.. that was for condoms)

*After a strokin’ it’s still good for smokin’.

*Long enough for a man, but made for a woman.

*Won’t leave a mess all over her dress!

*All the flavor of a fine Cuban cigar…with the pungent aroma of
a tuna canning factory!

*These won’t go floppy in your mouth.

*The best thing you’ll ever find in a box.

*Melts in your mouth, not in her muff!

*Cigars… they’re not just for oral pleasure any more.

*Batteries not included.