The boss came in and asked his new secretary,
“Linda, do you know the difference between a
caesar salad and a blow job?”

“No,” she replied.

“Great! Let’s go have lunch.”

A teacher was reviewing her class’s homework assignment.
She asked Susie to stand up and tell the class what part
of the human body enlarges to seven times its original
size when stimulated.
Susie stood up, shuffled her feet and said, “Well, I think
I know, but I’m too embarrassed to tell you.”

The teacher said, “Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class
what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its
size when stimulated.”

Johnny said, “That’s easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to
seven times its original size when stimulated by light.”

The teacher said, “That’s right, Johnny.” Then she turned to
Susie and said, “Susie, first of all, you didn’t do your
homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you
get married, you’re in for a big disappointment.”

The Reverend Jerry Falwell recently claimed that Tinky Winky,
from the Teletubbies children’s television show, was “clearly
a fount of gayness.” His reasoning is because the character is
purple (a “gay” color), has an antenna in a triangle shape
(a “gay” symbol), and he carries a purse. However, as I see it,
Falwell’s work is far from over.

FRED FLINTSTONE

Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock Bowling Team is “Twinkle-Toes,”
the show’s theme song ends with the phrase, “We’ll have a gay old
time,” he wears a little orange dress with triangles on it, and he
hangs out with Barney more than Wilma.

BUGS BUNNY

Evidence: He often stands with his hand on his hip, he played a
hairdresser in one episode, he frequently dresses in drag, and
he loves to throw on a top hat and tails while belting out Broadway
show tunes with his buddy Daffy, who, it’s worth noting, speaks
with an obvious lisp.

VELMA (of Scooby Doo)

Evidence: She always tries to sit next to Daphne in the van, she
sports an obvious butch haircut, she has broad shoulders, she is
always wearing a thick turtleneck sweater and knee socks, and she
never once attempted to shag Shaggy.

POPEYE

Evidence: He eats lots of salads, wears a sailor suit even though
he hasn’t been on a ship in years, frequently does little sailor
dances, dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl, and his
best friend is named Wimpy.

BATMAN & ROBIN

Evidence: Robin’s nickname is “Boy Wonder,” Batman’s real name is
“Bruce,” they both wear tights, and they both in great shape.

PEPPERMINT PATTY

Evidence: She has a deep, gravelly voice, she always wears pants
and not dresses like all the rest of the Peanuts girls, she plays
a mean game of football, she is always hanging out with the very
androgynous Marcie, she always wears comfortable shoes, and her
nickname is “Sir.”

PINK PANTHER:

Enough said.

A man was doing a study of children’s senses in a first-grade
class using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave the children all the
same kind of Lifesaver and asked them, “What is the flavor, and
what color is it?”

The children began to say, “Red . . . cherry . . . yellow . . .
lemon . . . lime . . . green . . . orange . . . orange.”

Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The children suck on
them for a while, but can’t decipher the taste. “Well,” he said,
“I’ll give you a clue. It’s what your mother would call your father.”

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled:
“Everybody spit it out, they’re assholes!”

WEIRD LIBRARY REFERENCE QUESTIONS

All of these situations are real and some of them were
mighty embarrassing. Enjoy!

Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian
library reference desk workers of various levels.

“Do you have books here?”

“Do you have a list of all the books written in the English
language?”

“Do you have a list of all the books I’ve ever read?”

“I’m looking for Robert James Waller’s book, ‘Waltzing through
Grand Rapids.’” (Actual title wanted: “Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.”)

“Do you have that book by Rushdie: ‘Satanic Nurses’?”
(Actual title: “Satanic Verses”)

“Where is the reference desk?” This was asked of a person
sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign
saying “REFERENCE DESK”!

“I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that
cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?”

“Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?”

“Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought
on National Park sites?”

“Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?”

“I need a color photograph of George Washington [Christopher
Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]”

“I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington’s birth certificate.”

“I need to find out Ibid’s first name for my bibliography.”

“Why don’t you have any books by Ibid? He’s written a lot of
important stuff.”

“I’m looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think
I’m having trouble with it in my neck.”

“Is the basement upstairs?” (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)

“I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send
me back to jail for a couple of months.”

The congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacher
to began his sermon when two masked men burst into the church
and said “Whoever is not willing to take a bullet for Jesus
better leave now.” More than half of the congregation jumped
up and ran out the door.

The two men took off their masks, sat in the front row and
said, “Okay, Reverend, you can preach now. All the hyprocrites
are gone.”

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to
rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the
things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks
the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane,
because that decreases the chances that there will be another
bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know
you had in a way you don’t understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a
black cat which isn’t there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn’t know the difference between
a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and
calls it a “brief.”

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a
beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think
she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and
tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a
way that you will look forward to the trip.