Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned
bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were
blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest,
and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny
tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about
quite a bit.
“Oh, my,” said the bunny. “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt
you. You see, I’ve been blind since birth, so I can’t see where I’m
going, and, in fact, since I’m also an orphan, don’t even know what
I am.”
“Quite okay,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is much the same
as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my m
other. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and
figure out what you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you.”
“Oh, that would be wonderful,” said the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you’re
covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose
twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be
a bunny.”
“Oh, thank you! Thank you!” cried the bunny in obvious excitement,
“Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you’ve
helped me.”
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, “Well, you’re
scaly and slimy, you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no
balls. I’d say you must be a politician.”

A traveling salesman’s car breaks down on a deserted road, and
he seeks refuge from the evening storm at a nearby farmhouse.
The farmer, being a kindly soul, says to the man that he can
spend the night and they’ll sort his car out in the morning.
“There’s only one small problem,” says the farmer, “We don’t
have much room, so y’all will have to either sleep on the couch,
or share the spare bedroom with Baby.”
Thoughts of middle-of-the-night crying, early-morning nappy
changing and all those other unpleasant things that come with
sharing a room with a strange baby spring to mind, so the salesman
agrees to sleep on the couch.
The next morning, he walks into the kitchen in the hopes of scoring
some breakfast, and he sees this absolutely stunning, longlegs
redhead, dressed in just a silk negligee, busy making coffee.
She turns around when he walks in and coos: “Hi, I’m Baby, who are
you?”
He replies: “I’m the stupid @!*&@#$ who just spent the whole of
last night alone on the couch!!”

A young fireman placed a ladder against the bedroom window of a burning
house and rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see- through
nightie.

“Aha,” said he, “you’re the second pregnant girl I’ve rescued this
year!”

“But I’m not pregnant,” the brunette indignantly exclaimed.

“You’re not rescued yet either.”

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head
waiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile.

“Good Morning sir. What a wonderful morning I’d like two boiled
eggs, one of them so under cooked it’s runny, and the other so
over cooked it’s tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that
has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast
that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter
straight from the deep freeze so that it’s impossible to spread;
and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm.”

“That’s a complicated order sir,” said the bewildered waiter. “It
might be quite difficult.”

The guest replied, “Oh? I don’t understand — that’s what I got
yesterday!”

“This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria…I saw her snatch this
morning and it was amazing.”
(Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)

“This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.”
(Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)

“Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside
of him”
(NZ rugby commentator)

“He’s pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his
captain off!”
(Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis
Suarez’s substitution of Butragueno during their world cup
qualifier with Ireland in Seville, 1992)

“The black players at this club lend the side a lot of
skill and flair, but you also need white players in there
to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common
sense.”
(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991)

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body”
(Winston Bennett)

“The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one
behind it which is identical”
(Murray Walker)

“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father”
(Greg Norman)

“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but
none of them serious”
(Alan Minter)

“The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball”
(John Francombe)

If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the
same thing again”
(Terry Venables)

“I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger
in the Premiership, but there are none better.”
(Ron Atkinson)

“He dribbles a lot and the opposition don’t like it - you
can see it all over their faces.”
(Ron Atkinson)

“Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president
is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.”
(Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

“Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all
those times are at 1500 metres.”
(David Coleman)

“Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven
Dicks on the field.”
(Metro Radio)

“and later we will have action from the men’s cockless
pairs…”
(Sue Barker)

“Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.”
(Ron Atkinson)

“Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to
hang in the air for even longer.”
(David Acfield)

“What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you
stay in football?”
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )

“There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his
legs and showing his class”
(David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, “Welcome
Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home
for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar
all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll
be generous and give you a choice of three places in which
you’ll be locked up forever.”

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of
poor souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of
people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a
beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting
at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To
Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation,
Bill says “I’ll take this option.”

“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into
Lucifer.

“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the
best place of all?”

“That’s what everyone thinks,” snickered Satan. “The bottle has a
hole in it and the girl hasn’t.”

“What about the PC?”

“It’s got Windows 95!” laughed Satan. “And it’s missing three keys.”

“Which three?”

“Control, Alt and Delete.”

Jay Leno, citing politicians’ favorite films:

“Dan Quayle — ‘Clueless.’
Steve Forbes — ‘Revenge of the Nerds.’
Al Gore — ‘Coma.’
Janet Reno — ‘Attack of the 50 Foot Woman.’
Hillary Clinton — ‘Sleeping With the Enemy.’
Strom Thurmond — ‘The Mummy.’
Pat Buchanan — ‘They Saved Hitler’s Brain.’
Monica Lewinsky — ‘Jaws.’
President Clinton — Francois Truffaut’s ‘The 400 Blows’”

(”Tonight Show,” NBC, 5/27).

A lot of voters are getting a little bored with the 2-party system.
Even the Reform Party and the Libertarian Party aren’t making much of
a showing this year. So the editors at Shagmail have created a list
of the Top Ten independent political parties we’d like to see in the
2000 Presidential election.

10. The Crack Party… We’re split down the middle.

9. The Mouth Party… And you’re invited to cum.

9. The Gay/NRA Party… We’re here, we’re queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM
WITH THAT?

7. The Pity Party… C’mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once,
will ya?

6. The Private Party… No comment.

5. The Cocktail Party… Cock and Tail - does it get any better than
this?

4. The Search Party… Looking for members.

3. The Keg Party… Dude, we could so totally run the country.

2. Non-partisan party… We believe in what you believe in.

And the number 1 independent political party we’d like to see:

1. The Beaver Party… Oh, forget it - we’ve already got Bush.

What was Princess Di’s favourite cocktail?
A wallbanger followed by a couple of chasers.

Why was Lady Di’s death a tragedy?
Because the rest of the Royal Family wasn’t in the back
of the car with her.

What did Princess Di reply when the desk clerk at the Ritz asked
if she wanted a room for the night?
“No, I’m gonna crash with my boyfriend.”

What’s the difference between Diana and Tiger Woods?
Tiger has a good driver.

If Diana’s heart was in the right place, why was it found in the
glove compartment?

Yesterday a ferryboat leaving Haiti capsized and drowned 300
people. But a tragedy was avoided when they discovered no
princesses were on board.

Did you hear about the new fairy tale for kids that’s replacing
the Cinderella and carraige story?
It’s about Diana…..at midnight, she turns into an abutment.

It’s just another example of Franco/German anti-British
collaboration that has been going on since 1914…. Surely it’s
no coincedence that the world’s best-loved Englishwoman was
killed by a drunken Frenchman driving a German tank.

What did the Queen say when she heard Princess Diana died in a
car wreck?
Was Fergie with her?

What kind of dress was Di wearing?
Crushed Velvet.

Prince Charles was out early the other day walking the dog. When
a passer-by said “Morning”, Charles said, “No, just walking the
dog.”

What’s the Queen giving Fergie for Christmas?
A trip to Paris, dinner at the Ritz, and a chauffeur-driven
Mercedes.

What did Princess Di say to Dodi after he gave her the Ring?
Aren’t we moving a bit too fast?

Why did Elton John sing at the funeral?
Because he’s the only queen who cares.

What is the difference between leeches and the paparazzi?
Leeches fall off after you die.

What did the French mortuary attendant say when he got the body
bags?
Zip-a-dee Dodi, Zip-a-dee Di.

Why did Di die?
Because Mercedes bends

Did you hear that Princess Di was on the radio a couple of weeks
ago?
Yep, and on the dashboard, and on the window, and on the hood….

Why did the tunnel in Paris get so red?
Because they got Di all over it.

How did they know that the driver had dandruff?
They found his head and shoulders in the glove box.

What’s the difference between a Mercedes and a Porche?
Diana wouldn’t be seen dead in a Porche!

Dodi said to his driver when in England…
Do you want to come to Paris with me and “Di”?

What does a mercedes and a squid have in common?
You have to cut them both open to get the “Di” out.

What do you give the princess who has everything?
A seatbelt and an airbag.

What’s the difference between the London Ritz and the Paris
Ritz?
You get mints after dinner at the London Ritz and minced
after dinner at the Paris Ritz.

How many paparazzi does it take to kill Di?
50. One to drive infront of Di and 49 to take pictures.

What’s the difference between Mother Theresa and Diana?
5 days.

Did you see the wall Di drove into?
Neither did she.

Did you hear they are going to make a movie about her?
It’s going to be called “Di hard” or “Live and Let Di”

Why did Elton John sing at Diana’s funeral?
The Crash Test Dummies couldn’t make it!

What would Di be doing if she were alive today?
Scratching at the lid of her coffin.

What do Lady Di and Pink Floyd have in common??
Their last greatest hit was the WALL.

What does Diana and George Burns have in common?
They both died when they hit 100.

What was Princess Diana’s last words to the paparazzi?
“Leave me alone, I’m a bloody princess. You photographers drive
me up the wall.”

What did Princess Diana die of?
Car-pole-tunnel syndrome.

Did you hear about the new Pink Floyd album?
“Another Brit in the Wall”

When Prince Charles was told of Diana’s death he was all ears.

Now there is a new pizza place, the “Paparazzi Pizza” delivery.
You don’t have to give them your address, they’ll find you no
matter where you are.

What’s the difference between Lady Di and the East Germans?
The East Germans survived the wall.

What’s the bumper sticker on Fergie’s car?
I brake for Paparazzi.

What happens when you french kiss a fairy tale Princess?
The frog turns into a wall and croaks.

Mike Tyson has agreed to fight Prince Charles for his next
boxing match.
It seems that no one else has big enough ears to go 12
rounds.

Why did the Princess cross the road?
Because she wasn’t wearing a seatbelt.

What do Di and Freddie Mercury have in common?
Both had to die to get away from Queen.

Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering
the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of
female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer
consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a
one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained
weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly
emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over
nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.