Signs Technologhy has taken over your life

When your wife asks you to get some milk and bread on your way back
from work, you ask her to send you an email at work from her office
as a reminder.

You cannot figure out why UPS and Fedex are still in business.

The audio system hooked to your computer is better than the one in
your family room.

When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP
address.

You know your IP address but not your home address.

You send email to your ISP or your system administration to tell
them that your email is not working.

You didn’t know the word “spam” stood for a type of food also.

You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out
how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you.

Funny

At a recent computer software engineering course in the US, the
participants were given an awkward question to answer: “If you had
just boarded an airliner and discovered that your company’s
programmers had been responsible for the flight control software,
how many of you would disembark immediately?” Among the ensuing
forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what
he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay
aboard. With his company’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely
to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone takeoff..

Customer Service

It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while
explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats
will cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from
further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours
but that of every other electronics-related firm in the
industrialized world. (we all talk you know)

…

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our
technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated
waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two
hours.

…

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician
about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting
valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions:

1. If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug
in my computer?
2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing
the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option?
3. Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support?
4. Have I consulted my manual?
5. Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk?
6. Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can’t stand but who
can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes?
6. Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good,
solid whack?

If you can not honestly answer “yes” to all these questions,
please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians
can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much
greater than yours. You must be really be so bored that you have to call
technical support just to have someone to speak to about geek stuff.

…

Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware
that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular
CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling
Porn Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the
Internet twice as fast. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles
read to you, shout “Yes! Yes! Yes!” into the telephone now.
This will not cause you to lose your place in line for
Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several
other callers.

…

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our system has been
overloaded, and unfortunately you have
lost your place in line. Please push “one” if you would like to be
connected again to Technical Support.

…

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors
indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive
frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of
food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your
telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer
so as not to wear down its internal battery.

As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical
Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of
registered product users.

Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your
needs. Do not hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact
us should any further technical problems arise.

During army war games, a CO gets his jeep stuck in the mud. Seeing
two men loafing nearby, he calls out, “Hey, come over here and help
me and my driver get my jeep out of the mud.” The men answered,
“Sorry Sir, the umpire has declared us dead, so we can’t help
anyone.” “Hey driver!” shouted the CO, “Get some of those dead
bodies over here and throw them under the wheels for traction!”

A general wanted to have a war game, but he did not want to use
live amunition. So he told the participating soldiers, “Instead
of a gun, you say ‘Bang, bang.’ Instead of using a knife you say
’stab, stab.’ Instead of using a grenade you say ‘lob, lob.’ So
during the games, a soldier saw an enemy and said, “Bang, bang.”
Nothing happened. He ran up toward the man and said, “Stab, stab.”
Nothing happened. The soldier ran back a few steps and said, “Lob,
lob.” Nothing happened. The soldier ran up to the man and yelled,
“I went bang, bang, stab, stab, and lob, lob, and you didn’t fall
dead! “Rumble, rumble,” answered the man, “I’m a tank.

An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his
employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house building
business and live a more leisurely life with his wife enjoying
his extended family. He would miss the paycheck, but he needed
to retire. They could get by. The contractor was sorry to see
his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more
house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time
it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He
resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It
was an unfortunate way to end his career. When the carpenter
finished his work and the builder came to inspect the house, the
contractor handed the front-door key to the carpenter. “This is
your house”, he said, “my gift to you.” What a shock! What a
shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he
would have done it all so differently. Now he had to live in the
home he had built none too well. Same with us. We build our lives
in a distracted way reacting rather than acting, willing to put
up less than the best. At important points we do not give the job
our best effort. Then with a shock we look at the situation we
have created and find that we are now living in the house we have
built. If we realized that, we would have done it differently.
Think of yourself as the carpenter. Think about your house. Each
day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall. Build wisely.
It is the only life you will ever build. Even if you live it for
only one day more, that day deserves to be lived graciously and with
dignity. The plaque on the wall says, “Life is a do-it-yourself
project.” Who could say it more clearly? Your life today is the
result of your attitudes and choice in the past. Your life tomorrow
will be the result of your attitude and the choices you make today.

Can you please advise me. I`m having some problems.

I`m currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I`ve
been having some problems lately. I`ve been running the same
version of Drinking 1.0 all along as my primary application, and
all the girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear
that Drinking won`t crash if you run girlfriend in background mode
with the sound turned off.
But I`m embarrassed to say I can`t find the switch to turn the sound
off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also
seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often
trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I
might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0. After months of
conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn`t have
enough cache to run girlfriend 2.0, and that eventually it would
require a Token ring to run properly.
He was right — as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled
itself. Shortly after that, I installed girlfriend 3.0 beta. All
the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it
gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down
for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a
SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It
worked okay for a while until I discovered that Girlfriend 1.0 was
still in my system!
Then I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still
installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn`t know about
that automatically senses the presence of any other version of
girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in
the immediate removal of both versions!

The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still
some problems. Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in
some obscure language that I can`t understand, much less reprogram.
Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and
feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best
connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated
contacts.
And I`ve never liked how Girlfriend is totally “object-oriented”. A
year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girlfriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version
of Girlfriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within
a year if you don`t upgrade to Fiancée 1.0. So he did. But soon after
that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a “huge
resource hog”. It has taken up all of his space, so he can`t load
anything else.
One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it
came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the
resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access
to FreesexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On
top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system
before he can do anything.
Although -he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Mother-In-Law
1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can`t turn off. I
told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard
if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0
will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself, Then
Mistress 1.0 won`t install anyway due to insufficient resources.
Can you help??

Taxiing down the runway, a jetliner abruptly stopped, turned
around and returned to the gate. After an hours delay, it finally
took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant what
the problem was. The flight attendant replied “The pilot was
bothered by a noise he heard in the engine, and it took us awhile
to find a new pilot.”

An airplane is coming in for a landing, and the pilot is freaking
out. The sweat is jumping off his brow. The plane lands quickly
and he slams the brakes on as hard as he can, when the plane stops
he turns to the copilot, and he says, “Man, that is the shortest
runway I ever landed on.” The copilot says, “Yeah, and so wide”.

Whats the difference between a circus and a brothel?
- The circus is a cunning array of stunts.

How many sopranos does does it take to change a light bulb?
- One! She stands on the ladder and the whole world revolves
around her!

How do you know when a soprano is at the door?
- They have the wrong key and you have to tell them when to come in.

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
- One to climb the ladder and the rest to complain about how
high it is.

How do you tell a soprano from a pyrhana?
- The jewelry.

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- Twenty, one to hold the bulb and nineteen to drink beer till
the room spins.

How can you tell if the stage is level?
- The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer’s mouth.

Did you hear about the guitarist who locked his keys in his car?
- He couldn’t get the drummer out.

Why does a drummer have 10 points higher I.Q. than a horse?
- So he doesn’t shit in the middle of the parade!

What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend?
- Homeless!

What’s the best way to confuse a drummer?
- Put a sheet of music in front of him.

Why do bands need Roadies?
- To translate what the drummer says.

What’s the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
- You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!

How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and
puts the bulb in the socket for him.

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decided to
learn how to play some “real” musical instruments. He went to a
music store, walked in, approached the store clerk, and said,
“I’ll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian.” The
store clerk looked at him a bit funny, and replied “OK, you can
have the fire extinguisher but the radiator’s got to stay.”

A young boy says to his mother “I want to be a drummer when I
grow up!” to which his mother replies “But Johnny, you can’t
do both. ”

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
- A drummer.

What’s the last thing a drummer says in a band?
- “Hey, guys, why don’t we try one of my songs?”

What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job?
- “Would you like fries with that?”

A player in an orchestra forgot the time of their next
performance, so he rang the conductors office and asked to
speak to the conductor. He was told that he had passed away
earlier. He hung up, considered this for a few minutes, then
rang again. He got the same reply. After the fifteenth time,
he got the reply, “Look, he’s dead! Why the hell do you keep
ringing us?.” The musician replied, “I just like to hear you
say it.”

Band Director on phone: “Doctor, Doctor, what do I do ? My
oboe player just swallowed her reed! Doctor: “Well…use a
muted trumpet.”

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for
directions:
an in-tune tenor sax player,
an out-of-tune tenor sax player,
or Santa Claus?
- The out-of-tune tenor sax player. Meeting the other two means
you’re hallucinating.

An orchestra was rehearsing a contemporary symphony in which
there was a particularly difficult jazz trumpet riff. However,
none of the trumpet players could play it. One trumpet player
suggests they hire in a jazz trumpeter. The conductor screams,
“NO, NO, NO!! Jazz musicians are irresponsible, can’t play in
tune, and are not real musicians!!” Finally, they talk him into
it. The next night at 7:57 (for an 8:00 rehearsal) the jazz
musician shows up carrying his trumpet in a paper bag. The
conductor decides to wait until after to yell at him. But the
jazz-man plays the riff perfectly the first time. The conductor
tries to thank him after rehearsal, but the cat is gone. The
next couple of rehearsals go pretty much the same way, with
the cat actually playing the entire first trumpet part -
perfectly. Finally, the conductor grabs him after rehearsal
and says, “You know, at first I didn’t want to hire you because
I thought jazz musicians were irresponsible and couldn’t play
in tune, but I must say you have changed my mind. Thank you.”
The jazz-man says, “Well, cat, I figure it’s the least I could
do since I can’t make the gig.”

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
- Four. One to change it and the other three discussing how
Dizzy Gillespie would have done it.

While an orchestra was playing Tschaikovsky’s Romeo and Juliet
overture, an elderly man in the audience wept and wept. “You
must be an incurable romantic,” said the woman seated next to
him. “No,” he said, “I’m a musician.”

How do you make a guitarist stop playing?
- Put music in front of him.

There was a bar with a sign that read “Pianist Wanted.” So this
guy walks in there and says I’m here for the pianist job. The
owner says well play us a tune and if you’re good enough then
you’ve got the job. So he sits down and plays a song that nearly
puts the owner in tears. “Oh, what a great song! What’s it
called?” the manager asks. “It’s called, the dog with 2 dicks
and my wife’s doin my brother!” “Um, that’s strange but, play
us one more tune.” So the man plays another tune and this time
the manager breaks down with tears. “What do you call that song?”
he sheepishly asks. “The frog takin a shit and the camel with
3 humps!” he replies. The manager told him that he had the job
on one condition. He must not tell the customers the names of
the songs he is playing. He started that playing that night.
After every song he would get a standing ovation. After about
2 hours he stood up and said “Ladies and gentlemen I’m going to
take a quick break ad I will return in a few moments.” So he
ducked into the toilets to take a slash. On his way out a man
passing said ” Hey mate, do you know your zips undone and your
cocks hangin out.” “know it” he replied “I wrote it!”

Why are violins smaller than violas?
- They’re not really, it’s just that violinists’ heads are bigger.

An unemployed man who had been out of work for ages was thrilled
when he was sent to the local zoo, which had an unexpected
vacancy. “It is boring work,” said the head keeper, “but all of
our monkeys have run away, so get into this monkey suit and climb
into the cage next to our lions.” The man did as he was told.
After a few minutes, he started to get bold and was jumping around
like a monkey, all of sudden he jumped up against the fence between
his cage and the lion cage and the fence collapsed. The man looked
at the lion and panicked “don’t eat me!” pleaded the man. “I’m not
really a monkey, I’m a person a very skinny person,” “Be quite”
said the lion “you’ll get us both sacked.”

A man was visiting London zoo. In the elephant house, he finds
the biggest elephant he has ever seen, it is enormous, almost
blocking out the light. Just before leaving the zoo, he decides
to take one more look at the mighty creature, but instead finds
a sign saying the famous elephant has just died. There is a young
keeper sitting and weeping near the sign. “You must be very
distressed” says the man “where you very close to the magnificent
creature?” “Not really” sobs the lad. “I have been told it is my
job to bury it!”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit
a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that
you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

What do you call a lezbian Eskimo?
- A klondike.