1. Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough
money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

2. Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets.

3. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and
their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office
and don’t need their picture taken. They are also very happy with
their current phone service. If you’re still with me, leave your
name and number and they will get back to you.

4. The College Special. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of
those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.

5. If you are a burglar calling to check, then we’re probably at
home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a
message.

6. Hi. I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like.
Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

7. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.
Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of
your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff
of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future
to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for
your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound
of the tone. Thank you.

The Jones were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The
man should be here soon.”

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
“Good morning madam. I’ve come to…”

“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Jones cut in.

“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty
of babies.”

“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat.”

After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room
floor is fun too; you can really spread out!”

“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and
me.”

“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“My, that’s a lot of. . . ” gasped Mrs. Jones.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be
in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m
sure.”

“Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Jones said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown
London.”

“Oh my God!!” Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with.”

“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Jones.

“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,
pushing to get a good look.”

“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in amazement.

“Yes”, the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
packed it all in.”

Mrs. Jones leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your,
…equipment?”

“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work.”

“Tripod?”

“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too
big for me to hold very long.”

Madam? Madam?…Good Lord, she’s fainted!”

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so
he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punch,
20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event,
he was furious.

“What’s the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?”, he
demanded. “Half the audience walked out before I finished.”
Jenkins was baffled. “I wrote you a 20-minute speech,” he
replied. “I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for.”