WEIRD LIBRARY REFERENCE QUESTIONS

All of these situations are real and some of them were
mighty embarrassing. Enjoy!

Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian
library reference desk workers of various levels.

“Do you have books here?”

“Do you have a list of all the books written in the English
language?”

“Do you have a list of all the books I’ve ever read?”

“I’m looking for Robert James Waller’s book, ‘Waltzing through
Grand Rapids.’” (Actual title wanted: “Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.”)

“Do you have that book by Rushdie: ‘Satanic Nurses’?”
(Actual title: “Satanic Verses”)

“Where is the reference desk?” This was asked of a person
sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign
saying “REFERENCE DESK”!

“I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that
cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?”

“Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?”

“Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought
on National Park sites?”

“Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?”

“I need a color photograph of George Washington [Christopher
Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]”

“I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington’s birth certificate.”

“I need to find out Ibid’s first name for my bibliography.”

“Why don’t you have any books by Ibid? He’s written a lot of
important stuff.”

“I’m looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think
I’m having trouble with it in my neck.”

“Is the basement upstairs?” (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)

“I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send
me back to jail for a couple of months.”

The congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacher
to began his sermon when two masked men burst into the church
and said “Whoever is not willing to take a bullet for Jesus
better leave now.” More than half of the congregation jumped
up and ran out the door.

The two men took off their masks, sat in the front row and
said, “Okay, Reverend, you can preach now. All the hyprocrites
are gone.”

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to
rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the
things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks
the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane,
because that decreases the chances that there will be another
bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know
you had in a way you don’t understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a
black cat which isn’t there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn’t know the difference between
a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and
calls it a “brief.”

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a
beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think
she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and
tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a
way that you will look forward to the trip.