“This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria…I saw her snatch this
morning and it was amazing.”
(Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)

“This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.”
(Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)

“Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside
of him”
(NZ rugby commentator)

“He’s pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his
captain off!”
(Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis
Suarez’s substitution of Butragueno during their world cup
qualifier with Ireland in Seville, 1992)

“The black players at this club lend the side a lot of
skill and flair, but you also need white players in there
to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common
sense.”
(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991)

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body”
(Winston Bennett)

“The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one
behind it which is identical”
(Murray Walker)

“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father”
(Greg Norman)

“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but
none of them serious”
(Alan Minter)

“The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball”
(John Francombe)

If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the
same thing again”
(Terry Venables)

“I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger
in the Premiership, but there are none better.”
(Ron Atkinson)

“He dribbles a lot and the opposition don’t like it - you
can see it all over their faces.”
(Ron Atkinson)

“Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president
is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.”
(Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

“Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all
those times are at 1500 metres.”
(David Coleman)

“Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven
Dicks on the field.”
(Metro Radio)

“and later we will have action from the men’s cockless
pairs…”
(Sue Barker)

“Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.”
(Ron Atkinson)

“Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to
hang in the air for even longer.”
(David Acfield)

“What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you
stay in football?”
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )

“There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his
legs and showing his class”
(David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, “Welcome
Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home
for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar
all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll
be generous and give you a choice of three places in which
you’ll be locked up forever.”

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of
poor souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of
people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a
beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting
at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To
Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation,
Bill says “I’ll take this option.”

“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into
Lucifer.

“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the
best place of all?”

“That’s what everyone thinks,” snickered Satan. “The bottle has a
hole in it and the girl hasn’t.”

“What about the PC?”

“It’s got Windows 95!” laughed Satan. “And it’s missing three keys.”

“Which three?”

“Control, Alt and Delete.”

Jay Leno, citing politicians’ favorite films:

“Dan Quayle — ‘Clueless.’
Steve Forbes — ‘Revenge of the Nerds.’
Al Gore — ‘Coma.’
Janet Reno — ‘Attack of the 50 Foot Woman.’
Hillary Clinton — ‘Sleeping With the Enemy.’
Strom Thurmond — ‘The Mummy.’
Pat Buchanan — ‘They Saved Hitler’s Brain.’
Monica Lewinsky — ‘Jaws.’
President Clinton — Francois Truffaut’s ‘The 400 Blows’”

(”Tonight Show,” NBC, 5/27).