Y’allbonics – How to speak Southern

HEIDI – noun – Greeting
HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage – “Heidi, Hire yew?”

BARD – verb – Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage “My brother bard my pick-up truck.”

JAWJUH – noun – The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage – “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pick-up truck.”

BAMMER – noun – The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage – “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20 000 000 in improvements.”

MUNTS – noun – A calendar division.
Usage – “My brother from Jawjuh Bard my pick-up truck an’ I ain’t heard from him in munts.”

THANK – verb – Cognitive process.
BARE – noun – An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops and yeast.
Usage – “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

IGNERT – adjective – Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”
Usage – “Them Bammer boys shore are ignert.”

RANCH – noun – A tool for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage – “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pick-up truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – noun – A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage – “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pick-up truck.”

FAR – noun – A conflagration.
Usage – “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pick-up truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”

TAR – noun – A rubber wheel.
Usage – “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pick-up truck.”

TIRE – noun – A tall monument.
Usage – “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris.”

RETARD – verb – To stop working.
Usage – “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

FAT – noun, verb – A Usage -a battle or conflict; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage – “You younguns keep fat’n ‘n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh asses.”

RATS – noun – Entitled power or privilege.
Usage “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

CHEER – adverb – In this place.
Usage – Jus’ set that bare rat cheer.

FARN – adjective – Not domestic.
Usage – I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed, must be from some farn country.”

DID – adjective – Not alive.
Usage – “He’s did Jim.”

ARE – noun – A colourless, odorless gas. Oxygen.
Usage – “He cain’t breathe, give him some ARE!”

BOB WAR – noun – A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage – “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE – noun and verb, contraction.
Usage – “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with a bob wire fence cump’ny?”
HAZE – a contraction.
Usage – “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah, haze ingnert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit’n ‘is laf.”

SEED – verb – Past tense of “to see.”
VIEW – contraction, verb and pronoun.
Usage – “I ain’t never seed New York City .. view?”

GUBMINT – noun – A bureaucratic institution.
Usage – “Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.”

Y”might be a redneck if yer TV antenna is a bread tie.

Q: What do you get when you stick 32 rednecks in one room?

A: A full set of teeth

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.”To which the man replied, “No sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.The Redneck said, “I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it.”Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!”

You know you’re a redneck if you think the last four words of the national anthem are: “Gentlemen, start your engines!”

Saturday
1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings.
2:00 A.M. Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
2:30 A.M. Throw everything but kitchen sink in camper.
3:00 A.M. Leave for deep woods.
3:15 A.M. Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 A.M. Drive like mad to get to woods before daylight.
4:00 A.M. Set up camp—forgot the sleeping tent.
4:30 A.M. Head into woods.
6:05 A.M. See eight deer.
6:06 A.M. Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 A.M. “CLICK”
6:08 A.M. Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 A.M. Head back to camp.
9:00 A.M. Still looking for camp.
10:00 A.M. Realize you don’t know where camp is.
NOON Fire gun for help—eat wild berries.
12:15 P.M. Ran out of bullets—eight deer come back.
12:20 P.M. Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 P.M. Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 P.M. Rescued and rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 P.M. Arrive back at camp.
3:30 P.M. Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 P.M. Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 P.M. Load gun—leave camp again.
5:00 P.M. Empty gun on squirrel that’s bugging you.
6:00 P.M. Arrive at camp, see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 P.M. Load gun and fire.
6:02 P.M. One dead pick-up truck.
6:04 P.M. Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 P.M. Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 P.M. Fall into fire.
6:10 P.M. Change clothes—throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 P.M. Take pick-up, leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 P.M. Pick-up boils over hole shot in block.
6:26 P.M. Start walking, stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.
6:35 P.M. Meet bear and take aim.
6:37 P.M. fire gun—blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 P.M. Dirty my pants.
6:39 P.M. Climb tree.
9:00 P.M. Bear departs, I wrap gun around tree.
MIDNIGHT Home at last.
Sunday
Following church services, watch ball game on T.V., slowly tear hunting license into pieces, place into envelope and mail to Game Warden promising God never to hunt again.