* You go to family reunions to meet guys.

* You wear a dress that’s strapless and a bra that ain’t.

* You wear combat boots with a minidress.

* You wear jeans with a belt buckle that’s bigger than
your fist.

* You have a Ford F150 pick-up truck, with a gun rack,
a Dale Earnhardt license plate frame, and a Confederate
flag on the tailgate, next to the bumper sticker that
says “I sell Avon Skin-So-Soft.”

* You try to wax your legs with Turtle Wax.

* You braid the hair that sticks through your fishnet
stockings.

* Wear a black John Deere baseball cap with pearls.

* You use glitter to highlight your mustache.

* You wear tube tops with your mini, because it shows off
your Harley-Davidson tattoo.

* Your favorite band ring came off a cigar.

* You keep spare ammo in your bra.

* You get a run in your stockings while changing a tire
on your motorhome.

* Your purse is a toolbox.

* You pluck your eyebrows with a pair of needle nosed
pliers.

* You store your lipsticks in a socket-wrench box.

* You use duct tape to keep your “tuck” in place.

* You call your vanity “your work bench.”

* You use a pocketknife to sharpen your lip and eye liners.

* “Doing your nails” means sorting the ten-pennies from the
sixteen-pennies.

* Your favorite leather skirt was made from the moose you
shot last Fall.

* Your new sandals are made from truck tire re-treads you
found on the road.

* You keep a spare lipstick in your toolbox.

* You wear a pair of C-clamps as screw-on earrings.

* Your best silver necklace is made from beer can pull-tabs.

* Your nail enamel is made by Rustoleum.

* You use paint thinner to remove your makeup.

* Your moisturizer says “non-detergent SAE 10W30″ on the
container.

* You remove your leg hair with duct tape.

* Your dad walks you to school because you are both in
the same grade.

* Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

* Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.

* You have started a petition to change the National Anthem
to “Georgia on My Mind”.

* You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.

* You consider your license plate personalized because
your dad made it in prison.

* You have been fired from a construction job because of
your appearance.
(Is that a bad mental image or what?)

* You need one more hole punched in your card to get a
freebie at the House of Tattoos.

* You need an estimate from your barber before you get
a haircut.

* The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll
wear to the 4-H Fair.

* You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your
front yard.

* Someone in your family says “Cum’n heer an’ lookit this
afore I flush it.”

* Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

* You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it
has turned yellow.

* You mow your lawn and find a car.

* You can spit without opening your mouth.

* Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves
putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

* You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and
girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

* You are still holding on to Confederate money because
you think the South will rise again.

* You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

* You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a
fly swatter

* You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

* You participate in the “who can spit tobacco the farthest
contest”.

* You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

* You’ve never paid for a haircut.

* You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls,
a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

* You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just
“misunderstood”.

* You’ve ever made change in the offering plate.

* The fifth grade is referred to as “your senior year.”

* You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck
and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.

* You own at least 20 baseball hats.

* You think a ‘cursor’ is someone who swears a lot.

* You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill
of a baseball hat.

* You can change the oil in your truck without ducking
your head.

* When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

* Your screen door has no screen.

Willie comes home from work, as he walks in the door Ethel grabs
him and says “Come on Willie, we’re going upstairs!”
Willie replies “OK - That’s one of my favorite things!”
As soon as they get upstairs Ethel grabs Willie and throws him
down on the bed and jumps aboard. Willie protests “Stop, Stop,
We can’t do it that way anymore!”
Ethel asks, “What do you mean Willie, I like it that way and so
do you.”
Willie replies “You’re sure right on that, in fact that is one of
my favorite things. But if we do it that way any more I’ll loose
my job.”
Ethel asks, “What do you mean Willie - that doesn’t make good
sense!” Willie explains, “The boss called me in the office today
and told me
- ‘Willie - You screw up one more time - and you’re fired!’”

Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the
equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the
rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean
they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the
third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of
their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy
turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one
lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?”
The other guy says, “Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t
catch any more!”