You might be a reneck if…

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

This is a story about a little girl who, on the way home from church, turned to her mother and said, “Mommy, the Preacher’s sermon this morning confused me.”

The mother said, “Oh! Why is that?”

The girl replied, “Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?”

“Yes, that’s true,” the mother replied.

“He also said that God lives within us. Is that true, too?”

Again the mother replied, “Yes.”

“Well,” said the girl. “If God is bigger than us and He lives in us, wouldn’t He show through?”

A man and his wife are sitting on the couch and the man starts to get amorous.
His wife pushes him away and shakes her head no. The man asks his wife “Honey…what’s wrong?”.

His wife says “I can’t darling, it’s Lent.”

To which the husband replies “Lent? To whom and for how much?”

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ”It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.” Adam answered, ”Yes, Lord, but what is a ‘kiss’?”

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ”Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.”

And the Lord replied, ”Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I’d like you to caress Eve.” And Adam said, ”What is a ‘caress’?” So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ”Lord, that was even better than the kiss.”

And the Lord said, ”You’ve done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.” And Adam asked, ”What is ‘make love’, Lord?” So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, ”Lord, what is a ‘headache’?”

Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Stacy says: “When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!”

Sister Catherine’s eyes grow wide and she barks: “What did you say?”

“A prostitute!” Stacy repeats.

Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: “Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant…”

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, a minister heard the intoning of a prayer.

Apparently his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said.

“Glory be unto the Faaaather….and unto the Sonnnn…. and into the hole you goooo.”

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.

This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.

“Sister, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “Every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”

“That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

“Oh, $2,000 a week.”

“Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?”

“Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno.”

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.

Then God created man and rested.

Then God created woman… Since then, neither God nor man has rested

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.

The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.

Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.

One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.

With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.

The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, “Whenever it breaks.”

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, “If that car starts, I’ll become a Catholic!”