After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ”It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.” Adam answered, ”Yes, Lord, but what is a ‘kiss’?”

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ”Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.”

And the Lord replied, ”Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I’d like you to caress Eve.” And Adam said, ”What is a ‘caress’?” So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ”Lord, that was even better than the kiss.”

And the Lord said, ”You’ve done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.” And Adam asked, ”What is ‘make love’, Lord?” So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, ”Lord, what is a ‘headache’?”

Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Stacy says: “When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!”

Sister Catherine’s eyes grow wide and she barks: “What did you say?”

“A prostitute!” Stacy repeats.

Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: “Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant…”

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, a minister heard the intoning of a prayer.

Apparently his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said.

“Glory be unto the Faaaather….and unto the Sonnnn…. and into the hole you goooo.”

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.

This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.

“Sister, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “Every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”

“That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

“Oh, $2,000 a week.”

“Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?”

“Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno.”

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.

Then God created man and rested.

Then God created woman… Since then, neither God nor man has rested

There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.

The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.

Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.

One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed.

With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.

The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, “Whenever it breaks.”

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, “If that car starts, I’ll become a Catholic!”

When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

“And so,” says St. Peter, “have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

“Well,” says the first nun in line, “I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.”

“OK,” says St. Peter, “dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

The next nun admits, “Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.”

“OK,” says St. Peter, “rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

“Well now, what’s going on here?” says St. Peter.

“Well, your excellency,” says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, “If I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.”

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa’s lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face.

She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”

“He sure did honey, a long time ago,” replies her grandpa.

“Well, did God make me?” asks the little girl.

“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago,” answers her grandpa.

“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”

PERSONAL HYGIENE
–Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

–While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck zeys.

–Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

–Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.

–Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It’s a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

DINING OUT
–When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.

–If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

–Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
–A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

–Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

–Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

–If your dog falls in love with a guest’s leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

DATING (Outside the Family)
–Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

–No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.

–Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men’s bathroom wall two years ago.”

–Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it’s the boy’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

–If a girl’s name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

–Even if you can’t get a date, avoid kidnapping. It’s bad for your reputation.

–Always allow your date first pick of any roadkill you run across.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
–Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

–Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS
–Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

–Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.

–When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how hot it is.

–Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.

–A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective, but also a proven fly deterrent.

–For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
–Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

–When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

–Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

–When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

–Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

–Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

–Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
–Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

–Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

–Always say “Excuse me” after getting sick in someone else’s car.

–It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

–Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it’s considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

–The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.

–If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.

–Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.