Willie comes home from work, as he walks in the door Ethel grabs
him and says “Come on Willie, we’re going upstairs!”
Willie replies “OK - That’s one of my favorite things!”
As soon as they get upstairs Ethel grabs Willie and throws him
down on the bed and jumps aboard. Willie protests “Stop, Stop,
We can’t do it that way anymore!”
Ethel asks, “What do you mean Willie, I like it that way and so
do you.”
Willie replies “You’re sure right on that, in fact that is one of
my favorite things. But if we do it that way any more I’ll loose
my job.”
Ethel asks, “What do you mean Willie - that doesn’t make good
sense!” Willie explains, “The boss called me in the office today
and told me
- ‘Willie - You screw up one more time - and you’re fired!’”

Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the
equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the
rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean
they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the
third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of
their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy
turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one
lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?”
The other guy says, “Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t
catch any more!”

1. You’re still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
2. You think you are an entrepreneur because of the “Dirt for Sale”
sign in the front yard.
3. You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
4. You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
5. Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
6. Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
7. You’ve ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak
of nature.
8. You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
9. There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
10. Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
11. There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
12. You list your parole officer as a reference.
13. The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
14. You think mud rasslin’ should be an Olympic sport.
15. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
16. Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
17. You’ve ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
18. You’ve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
19. You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
20. You’ve been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a
tornado.
21. Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
22. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in
your home town.
23. The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your
car.
24. You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
25. There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your
dog.
26. Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
27. When a sign that says “Say No To Crack!” reminds you to pull up
your jeans.
28. Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
29. The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false
teeth.
30. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
31. Your bumper sticker says, “My other car is a combine.”
32. You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
33. You’re turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
34. You’ve ever hitchhiked naked.
35. Your birth announcement included the word “rug rat”
36. Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
37. Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
38. Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the
kids.
39. Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
40. People hear your car long before they see it.
41. You think cur is a breed of dog.
42. Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
43. Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
44. You think people that send out graduation announcements are
show-offs.
45. Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
46. Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
47. Your baby’s favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the
front yard.
48. Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
49. Your secret family recipe is illegal.
50. You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
51. Your wife’s best shoes have steel toes.
52. You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
53. On stag night, you take a real deer.
54. You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
55. Your back porch is bigger than your house.
56. There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
57. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
58. A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat
59. An expired license plate means another decoration for your living
room wall.
60. You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother’s tooth.
61. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
62. Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting
events.
63. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
64. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
65. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the
restroom was flooded.
66. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
67. You’re a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it
gets light.
68. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to
the tractor.
69. Your parakeet knows the phrase “Open up, Police!”
70. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
71. In tough situations you ask yourself, “What would Curly do?”
72. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
73. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are
“Play Ball…”
74. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
75. You bring your dog to work with you.
76. Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
77. You’ve ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
78. You have every episode of “Hee Haw” on tape.
79. Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your
grandfather.
80. Your masseuse uses lard.
81. You’ve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.
82. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
83. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty
record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays
you for it).
84. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
(Clinton true-life story)
85. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet
item.
86. You’re moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing
“I Will Always Love You”.
87. You dated your daddy’s current wife in high school.
88. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they’ve got
the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
89. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of
gas in the truck.
90. You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
91. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there is a law
against it.
92. You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you
can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
93. The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
94. Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire…on
her house
95. The tobacco chewers in your family aren’t just men.
96. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job–primer red and primer gray
97. You’ve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend
your sister’s honor.
98. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are
the three of the primary colors.
99. It’s easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
100. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
101. Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
102. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
103. You clean your nails with a stick.
104. You’ve ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
105. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
106. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends
are “Howdy!”, “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin’?” (If they respond
with the same… they’re a redneck too!)
107. You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house.
108. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major
food groups.
109. You’ve ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
110. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument
111. Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
112. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
113. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
114. You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
115. Bikers back down from your momma.
116. You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
117. Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
118. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
119. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking
Institute”.
120. Birds are attracted to your beard.
121. You use the term `over yonder’ more than once a month.
122. You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
123. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the
front ones.
124. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size
bottle of ketchup.
125. None of your shirts cover your stomach.
126. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
127. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and
the Bandit” was snubbed for best picture.
128. You can’t tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
129. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game
because of her language.
130. You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
131. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War
general.
132. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
133. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste
test.
134. You’ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
135. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
136. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
137. You’ve ever used lard in bed.
138. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
139. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
140. You’ve ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
141. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
142. Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
143. You’ve ever been arrested for loitering.
144. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’ouvre.
145. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
146. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make
it look nice.
147. You’ve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
148. You own a homemade fur coat.
149. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
150. Your momma has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
151. You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
152. There are more than five McDonald’s bags currently on the
floorboard of your car.
153. Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
154. There is a wasp nest in your living room.
155. The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
156. You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
157. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
158. You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
159. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality
entertainment.
160. Fewer than half of your cars run.
161. You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
162. The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
163. Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
164. Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
165. Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the
principal.
166. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
167. You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
168. Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few
days.
169. Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out
how to fix it.
170. Your family considers a trip to West Virginia a religious
pilgrimage.
171. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny
and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
172. Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
173. You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.
174. You’re an expert on worm beds.
175. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
176. Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can
take a bath!”
177. Your family tree does not fork.
178. The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room
walls.
179. You haul more than U-Haul.
180. Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, “The
feud is back on!”
181. There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
182. Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
183. Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
184. Your wife’s hairdo attracts bees.
185. Your baby’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers.”
186. The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
187. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
188. You pick yourteeth from a catalog.
189. You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
190. You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my
ship came in.”
191. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
192. Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school
sports event.
193. You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
194. You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
195. The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.
196. You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
197. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
198. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
199. You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from
the governor to spare a loved one.
200. You go to the family reunion to pick up women.

What do you call foreplay in Alabama?

‘Hey sis, you awake?’

What’s the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?

“Hey y’all… Watch this!”

Two rednecks met in a bar and decided that they weren’t going anywhere
in life so thought they should go to college to get ahead. They hop in
a pickup and drive to the nearest college. While the second one waits
out in the hall, the first goes in to one of the rooms and finds a
professor who advises him to take Math, History, and Logic.

“What’s Logic?” asked the first redneck.

The professor replied, “Let me give you an example: Do you own a
weedeater?”

“I sure do,” grinned the redneck.

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the
professor.

“That’s real good,” the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued: “Logic will also tell me that since you have
a yard, you also have a house.”

Impressed, the redneck shouts “AMAZIN!”

“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”

“Betty Mae… this is incredible!” (The redneck is catching on.)

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual,” says the professor.

“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever
heard of. I cain’t wait to take this here logic class.”

The first redneck, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new world
opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend is
waiting.

“So what classes are ya takin’?” The friend asked.

“Math, History, and Logic,” replies the first redneck.

“What in tarnation is Logic?” asked his new friend.

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?”

“No,” his friend replied.

“You’re queer, ain’t ya?

You ever said the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer-colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your front yard.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you
didn’t have to wait for a commercial.

Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the
dark side…it’ll be a hoot!”

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock
thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought Jabba the Hutt
had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

If you hear. . . “Luke, I am your father ……………… and
your uncle.”

How do you circumcise a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

What did the redneck say to the physicist?
“Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?”

You might be a redneck if you….
think that Masturbate is used to catch large fish

You might be a redneck if…
you think KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati

You might be a redneck if…
you think testicles are found on an Octopus

You might be a redneck if…
you think an umbilical cord is part of a parachute

You might be a redneck if…
you think Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke

You might be a redneck if…
A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry

You might be a redneck if…
you think Semen is a term for sailors

You might be a redneck if…
you think a G-string is part of a fiddle

YOU MIGHT ME A REDNECK IF…
Your kids call your sister mom

You might be a redneck if…
You think a lesbian is a person from the Middle East

You might be a redneck if…
You think pornography is making records

You might be a redneck if…
You think an erection is when Japanese people vote

You might be a redneck if…
you think a condom is a large apartment complex

You might be a redneck if…
you think Spread Eagle is an extinct bird

You might be a redneck if…
you think a a menstrual cycle has three wheels

You might be a redneck if…
you think the clitoris is a type of flower

You might be a redneck if…
you think a pubic hair is a wild rabbit

WHAT’S A REDNECKS MOST POPULAR PICK UP LINE?
Nice tooth!

HOW DO YOU CIRCUMCISE A REDNECK?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

You might be a redneck if…
you think Asphalt describes ‘blaming it on your butt’

Dear Redneck Son;

I’m writing this letter slow because I know you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home,
so we moved.

I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas
family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so
that they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not
sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled
the chain and haven’t seen them since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said
it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we
cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven’t found out what
it is yet so I don’t know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks
just like your brother….

Uncle Ted fell in a Shine vat last week. Some men tried to pull
him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him
cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph
was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your
other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn’t
get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already
sealed.

The 40 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say, no matter
how much they’ve had to drink, or how far from the South
they’ve wandered…

40. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.
39. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won’t fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a martini.
35. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can’t feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
30. Wrestling’s fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We’re vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don’t need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin’ is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I’ve got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
5. I don’t have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin’.
1. Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin’