You might be a redneck if the roof of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.

HEIDI - noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: “Heidi, hire yew?”

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.” Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”

THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See “Arkansas native.” Usage: “Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts. Usage: “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

RETARD - verb. To stop working. Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed….mus’ be from some farn country.”

DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: “He cain’t breathe….give ‘im some ear!”

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE - noun and verb contraction. Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”

HAZE - a contraction. Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah….haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit ‘n ‘is laf.”

SEED - verb, past tense of “to see.”

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City….view?”

GUMMIT - noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: “Them gummit boys shore are ignert.”

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it.

The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu”. The Duke graduate went first.

About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

“Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination — Timbuktu.”

The audience went wild. How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?

The clock started again and the Aggie sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

“Tim and me, a-huntin’ went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.”

A girl from the south and a girl from the north were seated next to each other on an airplane. The girl from the south, being the friendly type, asked the northern girl, “So, where ya from?”

The northern girl replied, “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.”

The girl from the south sat quietly for a few moments and then blurted, “So, where ya from, bitch!”

A researcher is doing a study on the sexual habits of trailer park denizens in Alabama. He finds one family with 12 kids, and decides to ask the mother some questions.

“Ma’am,” he asks, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but do you know anything about contraceptives?”

“What the hell’re yu a talkin’ bout?” is her dumbfounded reply.

“Okay, well, for instance…what do you and your husband use when you’re having sex? Do you use condoms? A diaphragm? IUD?”

“Nah,” she replies. “We get along fine just a usin’ my ol’man’s dick!”

You might be redneck if your house has more miles on it than your car!

What do hillbilly chicks and polar bears have in common?
They both lick their paws.

An elderly couple are watching the 700 Club. The evangelist is getting really worked up, and it’s soon time for the healing portion of the show.
“If you believe in the healing power of the Lord, place on hand on the television, and one hand on the part of your body that ails you!” The old man places one hand on the television and one hand on his groin.

“Oh, don’t be stupid!” says the old woman. “He said heal, not raise the dead!”

With the overwhelming response to the CBS hit “Survivor”, Alabamans have made their own version.
Contestants are given pink car to drive from Dothan, to Birmingham, on to Decatur, and back to Dothan. On each car is a bumper sticker that says, “I’m gay, I’m a yankee, and I’m here to steal your guns!” First one back wins.

A Tennessee man and an Alabama man were both fighting in a war and were captured by the enemy.
“Before we put you to death,” said the enemy, “do you have any last requests?”
“Yes,” said the Alabaman. “Could you play ‘Yeah, Alabama’ before you shoot me?”
“Sure,” said the enemy. “How about you, Tennessean?”
“Could you shoot me before you play ‘Yeah, Alabama?’”