On little Larry’s first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, ‘I don’t belong here, I should be in third grade!’

The teacher looked at little Larry’s records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, ‘I don’t belong here, I should be in the third grade!’

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry’s problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions… ‘What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?’ asked the teacher.

‘Legs!’ Larry immediately replied. “What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn’t?’ asked the teacher.

‘Pockets!’ said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, ‘Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!’

The following list on the ways graduate students and faculty miscommunicate by Roderick M. Kramer and Joanne Martin, both professors at Stanford University, rings all too true, at least from my experience. How about you?

HOW GRADUATE STUDENTS AND FACULTY MISCOMMUNICATE

By Roderick M. Kramer and Joanne Martin*

WHAT FACULTY SAY/WHAT FACULTY REALLY MEAN

* I understand why this is late./No I don’t

* Take your time./Do it now.

* Call me if you have any questions./Try to find me.

* The ideas are good./The methods stink.

* Interesting methods./The ideas stink.

* The results are interesting./The theory is terrible.

* This is a good first draft./This really needs a lot of work.

* You might want to do a literature search./This study was done about 100 years ago.

* I’m looking forward to reading this latest draft of you dissertation./How many is that anyhow?

* This is really a nice piece of independent, scholarly work./Gee, I wish I were a coauthor.

* I could use your help analyzing these data./I can’t make heads or tails out of this mess.

* I think we are getting close to a final draft./You’ve got a long way to go.

* You might want to think through some of the implications./Why haven’t you done so?

* I’m glad you brought me up to date on your dissertation./Where have you been since last September?

* That’s a reasonable interpretation of these data./It’s a lot better than mine.

WHAT STUDENTS SAY/WHAT STUDENTS REALLY MEAN

* Here’s my draft; it’s still a little rough./I wrote it last night.

*Do you happen to know anything about this topic?/Give me the citations so I don’t have to do a literature search.

* What do you think of the theory?/The results stink.

* What do you think of the data?/The theory stinks.

* That’s a good point that I didn’t think of./I have no idea what you’re talking about.

* That’s a REALLY good point./You have no idea what I’m talking about.

* These are really good suggestions./What a pain.

*The I transformed the data using acceptable multivariate techniques./I go rid of the outliner.

* Support for the main hypotheses was week./Support was nonexistent.

* I misunderstood your comment./I thought we agreed on this.

* I guess I didn’t reason that way./If you think it through, it doesn’t make sense.

* I guess I wasn’t clear about ./Didn’t you read it?

* If you sign off so I can just file it, I’ll make the changes right away./See you same time next year.

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.

Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.

Freshman: Calls the professor “Teacher.”
Senior: Calls the professor “Bob.”

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it’s more than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor’s habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior: Has own personal workstation.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October… maybe.

Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm

Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino’s every other night

Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors
Senior: Is appalled that the campus ‘Subway’ burned down over the summer

Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night

Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house

Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one’s horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room

Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.”

“Very good, Suzy,” replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

“My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,” he said.

“Excellent, Michael!” Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

“Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful, fucking beautiful!’”

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

“Is Hell exothermic [gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.”

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year “That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: “Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.”

“Yes, sir,” the boys said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

A little fellow shouted, “‘It’s because yer feet ain’t empty.”

The below quiz will help you to determine if you are truly ready to attend college. Answer all questions below choosing one of the multiple choice answers for each question as your answer.

1) You have five minutes to get dressed before leaving for a hot date. You suddenly realize you don?t have any clean socks. You:

a. Rummage through the dirty laundry, sniffing each sock until finding two that don?t make your eyes water.

b. Cover your ankles with black shoe polish.

c. Tell your date you always wished you were old enough to select your own wardrobe when Miami Vice was all the rage.

d. Arrive for your date wearing nothing but an old sheet and claiming you thought tonight was the big toga party.

2) In order to afford a decent apartment you?ll need to find a roommate. The most important feature in a roommate is:

a. They don?t own an accordion.

b. Their main goal in life isn?t to prove heterosexuality is vastly overrated.

c. When they tell you they love smokin? rock, they are referring to an Eddie Van Halen guitar solo.

d. They don?t arrive wearing a PETA t-shirt that says “cockroaches are people too.”

3) You desperately need a good grade in your English Lit class, yet it?s two hours before the paper is due and you haven?t even written the first line. You:

a. Walk out to the driveway and slam your writing hand in the car door.

b. You write a fantasy paper titled, “What if Shakespeare was born a pig?” You rewrite Hamlet in Pig Latin and title it, “Piglet.”

c. You casually mention to your professor how you long for the good ole? days when it wasn?t considered sexual harassment to trade sex for good grades.

d. You call Dr. Kevorkian to see if he owns a walk-in clinic.

4) Your first semester is the time to get used to college life and make new friends. By the second semester you plan to really buckle down and show what you?re made of. Your biggest goal is:

a. To raise your GPA to 1.5.

b. To cut your beer consumption to no more than 20 bottles on nights before big tests.

c. To get a date with someone whose phone number doesn?t begin with 1-900.

d. To prove illiteracy isn?t necessarily a drawback.

5) In order to survive on a tight budget you will need to cut corners. Which of the following is the best way to save money?:

a. Stock up on free food by walking into the school cafeteria wearing a catchers mitt and screaming, “food fight!”

b. Cut down on the expense of Christmas lights by cutting up all your glow-in-the-dark Frisbees and sprinkling them in the bushes.

c. Save gas expenses while treating your date to a fancy dinner by shutting off the car as you wait in the drive-thru line.

d. Eliminate the high cost of meat by getting all your protein from beans. This has the added benefit of insuring you won?t have any friends who?ll try to talk you into going out on weekends.

6) In order to have a chance of being accepted, it?s crucial that, on your college application you don?t mention:

a. In high school you were voted “most likely to become a political prisoner.”

b. You haven?t tried to kill any teachers since the doctor tripled your Prozac dosage.

c. That Animal House is your favorite movie.

d. Although you failed several courses in high school you always earned an A for effort.

7) It?s a generally considered a bad sign if:

a. You?re asked to pledge “Geek.”

b. MIT tells you they?ll accept you as long as you qualify for their football scholarship.

c. Your English professor suggests you transfer to English as a Second Language.

d. An aptitude shows you?re best qualified to be homeless.

The only hope you have of passing your calculus final is:

a. Tattoo the answers on the inside of your eyelids.

b. Secure pictures of your professor dressing a sheep in a nightgown.

c. You have no hope since you?ve never passed as much as a urine test.

d. Study hard. (I’m just checking whether you?re paying attention.)

9) When you go for that all-important interview at the college of your dreams, be sure to impress the interviewer by:

a. Blowing smoke rings with the Cuban cigars you brag about smuggling into the country.

b. Demonstrating how you can belch the school fight song.

c. Explaining why academia is the real power behind the evil United Nations and the New World Order, and how you?ve figured out how to build a powerful bomb out of old newspapers and Hershey?s syrup.

d. Speak in tongues.

10) Employers tend to hire students who were active in campus organizations. In order to make yourself a more attractive job candidate, you should join the:

a. Intramural Nude Volleyball Team.

b. FAA (Future Alcoholics of America.)

c. Academic Probation Club. (It shows initiative to join before you take your first class.)

d. All of the below.

Scoring your test:

For each A - add 5 points.
For each B - divide by 1.377 points.
For each C - multiply by 0 points.
For each D - subtract 500 points.
For each F that you circled - See an eye doctor.

If you scored between 50 and negative 2,000 points: Consult a mental health practitioner immediately!

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

“You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

“Yes I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

“No you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late.”

The student looked incredulous and angry.

“Do you know who I am?”

“No, as a matter of fact I don’t,” replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

“Do you know who I am?” the student asked again in a louder voice.

“No, and I don’t care.” replied the professor with an air of superiority.

“Good,” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

To: Professor _______________
From: ____________________

I think my grade in your course, ___, should be changed from ___ to ___ for the following reasons:

__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won’t get into:

__Medical School
__Graduate School
__Dental School
__Fraternity/Sorority
__The Mickey Mouse Club
__Tri County Tech

__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in ______.

__5. I’ll lose my scholarship.

__6. I’m on a varsity sports team, and my tutor couldn’t find a copy of your exam for me.

__7. I didn’t come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.

__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.

__10. You are prejudiced against:

__ Males
__ Blacks
__ Females
__ Jews
__ Catholics
__ Whites
__ Protestants
__ Minorities
__ Chicanos
__ Students
__ People

__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.

__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:

__ mono
__ broken baby finger
__ acute alcoholism
__ pregnancy
__ VD
__ fatherhood

__13. You told us to be creative but you didn’t tell us exactly how you wanted that done.

__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

__15. I don’t have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

__16. The lectures were:

__ too detailed to pick out important points.
__ not explained in any sufficient detail.
__ your class was far too boring.
__ all jokes and not enough material.
__ all of the above.

__17. This course was:

__too early, I was not awake.
__at lunchtime, I was hungry.
__too late, I was tired.

__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.

__19. Other reason: __________________.

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in
fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila
said, “When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!” Sister Catherine’s
eyes grow wide and she barked, “What did you say?!” “A prostitute!”
Sheila exclaimed. Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and
said “Whew! Thank God! I thought you said ‘A Protestant’!”