The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, “What’s this?”
“A horsey,” one child answers
“And this?” the teacher asks
A piggy.” replies another youngster.
“And now this one?” asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a
male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer,
only total silence
Come now, children,” she coaxes, “I’ll give you a little hint:
What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her
a lot?”
“I know! I know!!” exclaims one little girl. It’s a horny bastard!”

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother,
“Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”
The mother, more that a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
“That’s interesting,” she said, “How do you make babies?”
“It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and
add ‘es

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they
spent their holidays.

One small girl wrote this:

We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used
to live here in a big brick home but grandpa got retarded and they
moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other
retarded people.
They all live in little tin boxes. They ride three-wheeled bicycles
and they all wear name tags because they don’t know who they are.
They go to a big building called a wrecked hall but if it was wrecked,
they got it fixed because it’s all right now. They play games and do
exercises there but they don’t do them very good. There is a swimming
pool there. They go in it and just stand there with their hats on. I
guess they don’t know how to swim.
As you go into their park, there is a doll house with a little man
sitting in it. He watches all day so they can’t get out without him
seeing them. When they can sneak out, they go to the beach and pick
up shells that they think are dollars.
My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff but I guess she forgot how.
Nobody cooks. They just eat out. They eat the same thing every night -
early birds. Some of the people are so retarded they don’t know how to
cook at all, so my grandma and grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall
and they call it “pot luck”. My grandma says grandpa worked all his
life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here
but I guess the little man in the doll house won’t let them out.

A little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.
“Tyson,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where
did you hear it?”
“My daddy said it,” he responded.
“Well, that doesn’t matter,” she explained, “I don’t want to hear
that language in here again.”
After a moment, she thought she whispered aloud, “At least he
doesn’t know what it means.”
“I do, too,” Tyson corrected. “It means the car won’t start.”

Bubba from the lower valley decided he wanted to get
married, and brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa over
grits and gravy the other night.

“Bubba,” Ma said, “you can’t get married yet. Why, you’re
the baby of the family.”

“But Ma,” Bubba protested, “I had my 38th birthday jest last
week.”

“We know that, Bubba,” Pa chimed in. “But your Ma and me
think you should put off getting married until after you
graduate from high school.”

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock
bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. This student has delusions of adequacy.

4. This student is depriving a village somewhere of a
an idiot.

5. This student sets low standards and then
consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a “full six-pack” but lacks the
plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. Student has been working with glue too much.

8. When the student’s IQ reaches 50, he/she should
sell.

9. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train
isn’t coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have
to be watered twice a week.

11. It’s hard to believe the sperm that created this
student beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

13. Your child is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

14. If your child had two brain cells, they’d kill each
other.

IMPORTANT, BUT OFTEN FORGOTTEN RULES OF ENGLISH

-Avoid alliteration. Always.
-Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
-Avoid cliches like the plague.
-It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
-Contractions aren’t necessary.
-Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
-Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary;
it’s highly superfluous.
-Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
-Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
-Who needs rhetorical questions?

Sometimes I think war is a good way of teaching us geography.

The teacher asks one her students “Have you ever read
Shakespeare?”, to which he replied “No, who wrote it?”

What does a constipated maths teacher do?
- Works it out with a pencil.

Two teachers are talking in the hallway. “I hear you’re teaching
Ivanhoe this term in English class” “Yes, They weren’t allowed
to teach that book when I was in school” “Why not?” “Too much
Saxon Violence”

A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams,
which the father receives as “Father, your daughter has been successful
in BED.”

A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a
telegram to his wife, “I wish you were here.”
The message received by wife, “I wish you were her.”

A wife, near the end of her pregnancy goes to the train station to
return to her husband. At the reservation counter, when her turn came,
there was only one ticket left.

Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the line ,she offered her
berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which read
as…

“Will be home tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old
lady.”

A man wants to celebrate his wife’s birthday by throwing a party.
So he goes to order a birthday cake.
The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.
Well he thinks for a while and says let’s put, “you are not getting
older you are getting better”.
The salesman asks “how do you want me to put it?”
The man says, Well put “You are not getting older” at the top and You
are getting better” at the bottom.

The real fun didnt start until the cake was opened.
The message decorated on the cake said “You are not getting older at the
top, You are getting better at the bottom.”

so be careful next time

Matt’s dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental
appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were
supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a
part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he’d gotten a part. “I
play a man who’s been married for twenty years.”

“That’s great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know
it they’ll be giving you a speaking part.”