A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams,
which the father receives as “Father, your daughter has been successful
in BED.”

A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a
telegram to his wife, “I wish you were here.”
The message received by wife, “I wish you were her.”

A wife, near the end of her pregnancy goes to the train station to
return to her husband. At the reservation counter, when her turn came,
there was only one ticket left.

Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the line ,she offered her
berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which read
as…

“Will be home tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old
lady.”

A man wants to celebrate his wife’s birthday by throwing a party.
So he goes to order a birthday cake.
The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.
Well he thinks for a while and says let’s put, “you are not getting
older you are getting better”.
The salesman asks “how do you want me to put it?”
The man says, Well put “You are not getting older” at the top and You
are getting better” at the bottom.

The real fun didnt start until the cake was opened.
The message decorated on the cake said “You are not getting older at the
top, You are getting better at the bottom.”

so be careful next time

Matt’s dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental
appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were
supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a
part.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he’d gotten a part. “I
play a man who’s been married for twenty years.”

“That’s great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know
it they’ll be giving you a speaking part.”

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her
mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something
that I didn’t do.”

The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have
a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it
that you didn’t do?”

The little girl replied, “My homework.”

A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard
she sees a message. It says, “Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest
tool, in the whole damn school!” She yells, “Whose Jimmy Poole?”
This kid in the back stands up and says, “I’m Jimmy Poole.”
“Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!
The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks
up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, “PAYS to ADVERTISE.”

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of
kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the
front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog.
The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.
“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”
A third child concluded. “They use the dogs to find the fire
hydrant!”

A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so
excited just thinking about his future. He gets into a
taxi and the driver says, “How are you on this lovely day?”

“I’m the Class of 2000 just graduated from Harvard and I
just can’t wait to go out there and see what the world
has in store for me.”

The driver looks back to shake the young man’s hand and says,
“Congratulations, I’m Mitch Class of 1949.”

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game,
looked over to his star player and said, “I’m not supposed to
let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there.
So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you
get it right, you can play.”

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes
intently and asks, “Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me
the answer to this. What is two plus two?”

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, “4?”

“Did you say 4?” the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it
right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming,
“Come on coach, give him another chance!”

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth”
even when you don’t know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted
by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole
truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just
don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from
work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The
father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a
word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day,
when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets
him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops
the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your
FATHER a big hug.”

on was talking to Al.
“So, Al, how’s it going with the ladies?”
“Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects.”
“Really?”
“Yep,” Al shook his head, “Whenever I mention sex, they object.”

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when
they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he
were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded,
“I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

—-

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed
them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in
church?” Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

—-

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary
took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: “They
couldn’t get a baby-sitter.”