The below quiz will help you to determine if you are truly ready to attend college. Answer all questions below choosing one of the multiple choice answers for each question as your answer.

1) You have five minutes to get dressed before leaving for a hot date. You suddenly realize you don?t have any clean socks. You:

a. Rummage through the dirty laundry, sniffing each sock until finding two that don?t make your eyes water.

b. Cover your ankles with black shoe polish.

c. Tell your date you always wished you were old enough to select your own wardrobe when Miami Vice was all the rage.

d. Arrive for your date wearing nothing but an old sheet and claiming you thought tonight was the big toga party.

2) In order to afford a decent apartment you?ll need to find a roommate. The most important feature in a roommate is:

a. They don?t own an accordion.

b. Their main goal in life isn?t to prove heterosexuality is vastly overrated.

c. When they tell you they love smokin? rock, they are referring to an Eddie Van Halen guitar solo.

d. They don?t arrive wearing a PETA t-shirt that says “cockroaches are people too.”

3) You desperately need a good grade in your English Lit class, yet it?s two hours before the paper is due and you haven?t even written the first line. You:

a. Walk out to the driveway and slam your writing hand in the car door.

b. You write a fantasy paper titled, “What if Shakespeare was born a pig?” You rewrite Hamlet in Pig Latin and title it, “Piglet.”

c. You casually mention to your professor how you long for the good ole? days when it wasn?t considered sexual harassment to trade sex for good grades.

d. You call Dr. Kevorkian to see if he owns a walk-in clinic.

4) Your first semester is the time to get used to college life and make new friends. By the second semester you plan to really buckle down and show what you?re made of. Your biggest goal is:

a. To raise your GPA to 1.5.

b. To cut your beer consumption to no more than 20 bottles on nights before big tests.

c. To get a date with someone whose phone number doesn?t begin with 1-900.

d. To prove illiteracy isn?t necessarily a drawback.

5) In order to survive on a tight budget you will need to cut corners. Which of the following is the best way to save money?:

a. Stock up on free food by walking into the school cafeteria wearing a catchers mitt and screaming, “food fight!”

b. Cut down on the expense of Christmas lights by cutting up all your glow-in-the-dark Frisbees and sprinkling them in the bushes.

c. Save gas expenses while treating your date to a fancy dinner by shutting off the car as you wait in the drive-thru line.

d. Eliminate the high cost of meat by getting all your protein from beans. This has the added benefit of insuring you won?t have any friends who?ll try to talk you into going out on weekends.

6) In order to have a chance of being accepted, it?s crucial that, on your college application you don?t mention:

a. In high school you were voted “most likely to become a political prisoner.”

b. You haven?t tried to kill any teachers since the doctor tripled your Prozac dosage.

c. That Animal House is your favorite movie.

d. Although you failed several courses in high school you always earned an A for effort.

7) It?s a generally considered a bad sign if:

a. You?re asked to pledge “Geek.”

b. MIT tells you they?ll accept you as long as you qualify for their football scholarship.

c. Your English professor suggests you transfer to English as a Second Language.

d. An aptitude shows you?re best qualified to be homeless.

The only hope you have of passing your calculus final is:

a. Tattoo the answers on the inside of your eyelids.

b. Secure pictures of your professor dressing a sheep in a nightgown.

c. You have no hope since you?ve never passed as much as a urine test.

d. Study hard. (I’m just checking whether you?re paying attention.)

9) When you go for that all-important interview at the college of your dreams, be sure to impress the interviewer by:

a. Blowing smoke rings with the Cuban cigars you brag about smuggling into the country.

b. Demonstrating how you can belch the school fight song.

c. Explaining why academia is the real power behind the evil United Nations and the New World Order, and how you?ve figured out how to build a powerful bomb out of old newspapers and Hershey?s syrup.

d. Speak in tongues.

10) Employers tend to hire students who were active in campus organizations. In order to make yourself a more attractive job candidate, you should join the:

a. Intramural Nude Volleyball Team.

b. FAA (Future Alcoholics of America.)

c. Academic Probation Club. (It shows initiative to join before you take your first class.)

d. All of the below.

Scoring your test:

For each A - add 5 points.
For each B - divide by 1.377 points.
For each C - multiply by 0 points.
For each D - subtract 500 points.
For each F that you circled - See an eye doctor.

If you scored between 50 and negative 2,000 points: Consult a mental health practitioner immediately!

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

“You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

“Yes I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

“No you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late.”

The student looked incredulous and angry.

“Do you know who I am?”

“No, as a matter of fact I don’t,” replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

“Do you know who I am?” the student asked again in a louder voice.

“No, and I don’t care.” replied the professor with an air of superiority.

“Good,” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

To: Professor _______________
From: ____________________

I think my grade in your course, ___, should be changed from ___ to ___ for the following reasons:

__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won’t get into:

__Medical School
__Graduate School
__Dental School
__Fraternity/Sorority
__The Mickey Mouse Club
__Tri County Tech

__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in ______.

__5. I’ll lose my scholarship.

__6. I’m on a varsity sports team, and my tutor couldn’t find a copy of your exam for me.

__7. I didn’t come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.

__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.

__10. You are prejudiced against:

__ Males
__ Blacks
__ Females
__ Jews
__ Catholics
__ Whites
__ Protestants
__ Minorities
__ Chicanos
__ Students
__ People

__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.

__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:

__ mono
__ broken baby finger
__ acute alcoholism
__ pregnancy
__ VD
__ fatherhood

__13. You told us to be creative but you didn’t tell us exactly how you wanted that done.

__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

__15. I don’t have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

__16. The lectures were:

__ too detailed to pick out important points.
__ not explained in any sufficient detail.
__ your class was far too boring.
__ all jokes and not enough material.
__ all of the above.

__17. This course was:

__too early, I was not awake.
__at lunchtime, I was hungry.
__too late, I was tired.

__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.

__19. Other reason: __________________.