A man and a little boy are walking into the woods around sunset. neither of them says a word, but as they’re walking, it’s noticeable how dark it’s gotten. the further and further they go, the darker and scarier it gets until finally, the little boy turns and says:
“hey, I’m getting scared mister!” the man looks down and replies:
“YOU’RE scared? I gotta walk outta here by myself!”

Q: What did the deaf, mute, blind kid with no arms, or legs get for Christmas?

A: Cancer

1. You decide that your relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news that you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip away quietly.
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons for your decision with your partner.
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreeds on national television.

2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to bring?
(a) A ball.
(b) A ball and 2 Jackets.
(c) A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.

3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive.
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly.
(c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.

4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses.
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.

5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea.
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee.
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.

6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office.
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel.
(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.

7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don’t worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.
(c) Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.

8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?
(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted.
(b) A sketch show like the Little Britain or the Fast show.
(c) A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoops for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a superglued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.

9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife’s dressing table. What do you do?
(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt.
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn’t happen again.
(c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue your wife’s ass.

10. You are responsible for the USA’s presidential electoral process. Do you:
(a) Count all votes and declare a winner.
(b) Count all votes and declare a winner.
(c) Let the press declare who’s won before the votes are counted; then count only the votes which have been handed in by a deadline whilst not checking if Bud, the hillbilly sheriff of nowheres-ville, has left several thousand votes in the trunk of his Chevy ‘by mistake’, then force a recount of only some of the votes within just one state and allow only 12 seconds for the recount to take place; then be amazed that the recount hasn’t finished by the deadline and increase the deadline by another 3.2 seconds; then ignore all votes and let 4 judges decide the result, making sure the judges all support the same candidate; then ponce around the world telling other countries how to run their own elections.

Answers…
If you answered:
mostly (a)’s & (b)’s then you are a normal well-balanced individual.

mostly (c)’s then do the world a favour and shoot yourself with the anti-tank weapon you carry in the glove-box of your pick-up truck.

Why is Kenneth so deformed???

Cuz He was born as He-she, but when the tryed to make him a boy, the forgot abvout between his legs!

There’s a woman walking down the road with her young son.
He sees a used condom in the gutter and asks what it is. His mother replies, “Oh, that’s uh… A cream biscuit dear.”
A little while later, the boy looks a little sick. His mother asks him, “What’s wrong, honey?” And the boy replies, “I licked the cream from the biscuit.”!

What’s black and sit’s at the top of the stairs?

answer: erif a retfa seveeR rehpotsirhC

spelled backwards so you can guess

A man enter’s a travel agent’s and ask’s if there is any cheap Holiday’s.The girl say’s yes Sir we have two, the first is two weeks in Blackpool cost £100.To much replies the man,what is the other,one week on Saddleworth Moor cost £20.Fuck that replies the man I couldn’t stand the kids under my feet all fucking week.

two cowboy’s are having a drink in a saloon,one notices a spitoon in the corner,he says to his friend I’ll bet you my horse that you would not take a drink from there,is friend say’s o.k. and picks up the spitoon,half way down his friend shouts Stop you have won the bet,but his friend carries on till every last drop is downed.His friend feeling sick said why didn’t you stop,he said I wanted to but it was all in one lump.

A dazed man walks into a bar on a hot summer day and says “Bartender! gimmie a drink, I’m so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cow’s balls!!! Before the man realizes where he is, he feels a firm grip on his ass and in a deep voice hears “Moo moo buckaroo!”

A man walks into a public restroom to relieve himself. As he looks down at his humiliatingly small penis feeling inadequate a little midget walks in and uses the urinal next to him. The man thinks to himself “Well shit, my dick has to at least be bigger than this little fuck’s!” To his surprise when he looks over he see’s the midget’s humongous penis. He gasps in amazement “How the fuck is your dick so big!!?? The midget replys “Welll thats because I’m a leprichaun mee lad.” The man says “well then you have to grant me a wish don’t you!! I want a penis like yours!! The leprichaun explains “There is a catch to the legend now my boy - you must let be buttfuck ya first before ye get yer wish! The man, desperate to have a large penis goes into a stall with the leprichaun. After about half an hour of getting railed in the ass by the little man he asks “c’mon when am I gonna get my wish?” The little man says “YOURRR A WEE BIT OLLLD TO BE BELEIVIN IN LEPRICHAUNS MEE LAAAD!!