Top 10 Suggestions For Men While Playing Golf or Using A Urinal

10. Back straight, knees bent, and feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Quiet please!…while others are preparing to take their shot.
5. Stay out of the water.
4. Try not to hit anyone.
3. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
2. Don’t stare while others address their balls.

And the #1 suggestion for guys while playing golf or using
a urinal….

Don’t let anyone see you take those extra strokes!

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. Ben searches diligently throught the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here.”

Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, “What’s the matter Ben?”

Ben shouts back in a nervous voice, “Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can’t get out of here with an 8-iron.”

A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the “Just Married” sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.

He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.

“I know it’s none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren’t having sex with your new wife.”

“Oh, I couldn’t do that; she has gonorrhea.”

“Well, what about anal sex?”

“Couldn’t do that; she has diarrhea.”

“There is always oral sex.”

“Nope, she has pyorrhea.”

“Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?”

“That’s easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!”

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hoursto spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast,he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he wasabout to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked ifhe could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not beingable to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originallylay. The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.”

One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up. After the act, they were laying in bed having a smoke. The prostitute said, “Well Mike, how’s it all going?”

“How’s it all going?” he asked. “My life’s a disaster. I was born to an under-privileged family, had a hard up-bringing, was thrown in jail for rape, now I’m on parole and I’ve hit a cop, my wife left me for beating her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I’ve lost two world title fights, I’ve disgraced myself and my sport, most people want me banned me for life and they won’t pay me my money. Nothing could make my life any worse.”

“Oh, that’s so sad,” the prostitute said. “I’ll say one thing to cheer you up. You’re a much better lover than Magic Johnson!”

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

“Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.

“But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replied.

“Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were.” said the reporter and starts again. “Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack” he continued writing in his notebook.

“I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy said.

“I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.

“I’m a Cowboys fan,” the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet.”

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, “Let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.”

Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. “Help me find my ball; you look over there,” he says to Sid.

After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?”

“What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!”

“And a liar, too!” Sid says with amazement. “I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”

After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America’s recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller the balls are.

When design engineers get together they often talk about football.

When Middle management meet, they talk about tennis.

When top management meet they talk golf.

Conclusion: The higher you climb in the corporate ladder the smaller your balls become

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?

George: Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?