Now that there’s professional women’s basketball, there are
rumors going around New England that women’s baseball
teams might not be far behind.

One chauvinistic sports writer for a well-known newspaper in
the area even suggested they attract fans by going topless.
He added they could even be called the “Boston Globes.”

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy
goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend,

“Hey, why don’t you try this ball?” He draws a green golf ball
out of his bag. “You can’t lose it.” His friend replies,

“What do you mean you can’t lose it?!” The first man replies,

“I’m serious, you can’t lose it. If you hit it into the woods,
it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it
produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke
comes up in order for you to find it.” Obviously, his friend
doesn’t believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities
until he is convinced.

The friend says, “Wow! That’s incredible!
Where did you get that ball?!” The man replies, “I found it.”

A golfer who was well into his golden years had a lifelong
ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California, the
way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water
onto the green that is on a spit of land that just out off the
coast.

It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success.
His ball always fell short, into the water. Because of this he
never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked
out one that had a cut or a nick.

One year he went out to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came
to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a
silent prayer. Before he hit it, however, a powerful voice from
above said: WAIT … REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL.
He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that
the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him
finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again:
WAIT … STEP BACK … TAKE A PRACTICE SWING. So he stepped back
and took a practice swing. The voice boomed out again: TAKE
ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING. He did. Silence followed. Then the voice
spoke out again: PUT THE OLD BALL BACK.

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width
apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go
ahead of you.
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please … while others are preparing to go.
10. Don’t take extra strokes.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee
off.

10. Nuts…my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn’t:

1. Hold on…I need to wash my balls first.

Larry, a local football star, was jogging down the street
when he saw a building on fire. A lady was standing on a
third-story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

“Hey lady!” yelled Larry. “Throw me the cat!”

“No!” she cried. “It’s too far!”

“I play football, I can catch him!”

The smoke was pouring from the windows, and finally the woman
waved to Larry, kissed her cat goodbye, and tossed it down to
the street.

Larry kept his eye on the cat as it came plunging down toward
him. The feline bounced off an awning and Larry ran into the
street to catch it. He jumped six feet into the air and made
a spectacular, one- handed catch. The crowd that had gathered
to watch the fire broke into cheers. Larry did a little dance,
lifted the cat above his head, wiggled his knees back and forth,
then spiked the cat into the pavement.

Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year?

Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn’t you?

Surely you have heard about England’s great cricketing family,
Fotheringbushes. Bats were handed from father to son and the
refinements of the game were drilled into the young men of the
family from the age of six. While most of them observed the
decorum of the genteel game, one scion, Herbert, had an unruly
temper and to his family’s shame insisted on disputing the calls
made by the arbiters of the game.

In one particularly close match, Herbert’s temper reached such a
peak that he rushed to the man in charge of the game, pummelled
him, knocked him to the ground and sat on the squirming squire.
Fotheringbush Senior, aghast at his progeny’s behaviour, rushed
from the clubhouse onto the field, and pulled off the lad.

“Surely, my boy,” he admonished sternly, “you above all others
should know that the son never sits on the British umpire!”

By — Bennett Cerf

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
A BAD GOLFER GOES, WHACK, DAMN., A BAD SKYDIVER GOES DAMN, WHACK.

A group of guys and one gal are sitting together at a ball game.
During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about
the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game
they ask her, “How is it that you know so much about baseball?”

She says, “Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change.”

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.

“What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they
cut IT off?”

“That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.”

“Was it when they cut off your balls?”

“That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.”

“What was the most painful part?”

“The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!”