A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

“I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, ” she said.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’”

The Center for Opponent Neutralization (C.O.N.)

Tonya Harding Presents…

Get tired every softball season loosing to the same team with all the big sluggers year in and year out?

Are you tired of always getting beat 6-0, 6-0 by that arrogant tennis-playing friend of yours with his killer serve?

Haven’t you had enough of that annoying golf buddy who always seems to shoot in the low 80’s against you?

Just tired of always loosing to someone better than you? Let us do the dirty work for you at the……

Tonya Harding Center For Opponent Neutralization

That’s right, for a small fee we can rough up, maim, dismember, paralyze, or even kill that person or persons who are blocking your path to athletic success.

Check out our price list:

Blow to the knee……………………….. $99.95
Blow to both knees (a better buy)………… $149.95
Blow to the head……………………….. $124.95
Knife in the back (tennis players only)…… $49.95
Kick in the groin (male athletes only)……. $9.95
Poking out one eye……………………… $49.95
Poking out both eyes (three stooges style)… $79.95
Gun shot to the knee……………………. $199.95
Gun shot to both knees………………….. $299.95
Gun shot to the head……………………. $499.95
Impalement in a public place…………….. $999.95

Prices subject to change without notice.

Remember, wednesdays are bonus days, order one act of violence and receive another of equal or lesser value at 50% off!

With every order over $300.00 you automatically receive a collapsible hard plastic baton personally signed by Tonya Harding herself - just like the one used to beat the crap out of Nancy Kerrigan.

To order, call toll-free at 1-800-just-win

“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” — Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” — Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996
“You guys line up alphabetically by height.”
“You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”
— Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: “I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@# clothes.”
Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”
Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: “I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.”
Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Drew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”
1981 - Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: “He wants Texas back.”
1966 - Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: “One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?”
1981 - Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team’s co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: “I’m going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time.”
1991 - Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: “But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.”
1986 - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.”
1991 - Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: “It’s basically the same, just darker.”
1996 - Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: “I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.”
1991 - Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son’s reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: “He said: ‘Gosh, Dad, that means we’re not going to any more bowl games.”
1998 - David Weeda, New York City Marathon Participant, explaining to friends why he was the toughest runner in the entire field: “I was the only runner who, during training, still smoked, dipped and drank up until the night before the race. Damn I’m tough.”
1986 - LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: “They can’t fire me because my family buys too many tickets.”
1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.”
1991 - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”
1987 - Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”
1992 - Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.”
1982 - Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”