A guy says to a girl at the bar, “I’m a car salesman, and if I
don’t sell some cars, I’m gonna lose my ass.”
The girl says, “I’m a hooker, and if I don’t sell some ass, I’m
gonna lose my car.”

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their
prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his
lungs. “I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE… I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO…
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR…” His older brother leaned over and
nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting
your prayers? God isn’t deaf.” To which the little brother
replied, “No, but Gramma is!”

Author Unknown

A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,
C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight–can’t read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I’d rather not mention
and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L is for libido–what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time
(But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my M-memory from time to time)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu?
Give me another pill and I’ll be good as new!
R is for reflux–one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my
increasing medical bills!
T is for tinnitus–I hear bells in my ears
and the word “terminal” also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet found
X is for X ray–and what one might find
Y is for year (another one I’m still alive)
so Z is for zest

For surviving the symptoms my body’s deployed,
And keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed.

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is
using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just
saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.

4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven’s Gate Cult
gives you four hours of decent rest.

5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

6. You’re on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on
a field trip to Chippendale’s.

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.
The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about
detection; in fact, the letters “UFO” were emblazoned in big, bold
letters on one side of their shiny craft.

As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with
shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank
and then waved to the two aliens as they took off.

“Do you realize what just happened?” the station owner finally
uttered.

“Yeah,” said the blonde attendant. “So?”

“Didn’t you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!”

“Yeah,” repeated the blonde. “So?”

“Didn’t you see the letters ‘UFO’ on the side of that vehicle?!”

“Yeah,” repeated the blonde attendant. “So?”

“Don’t you know what ‘UFO’ means?!”

The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. “Good grief, boss! I’ve been
working here for five years. Of course I know what ‘UFO’ means -
it means ‘Unleaded Fuel Only’.”

A guy says to a girl at the bar, “I’m a car salesman, and if I
don’t sell some cars, I’m gonna lose my ass.”
The girl says, “I’m a hooker, and if I don’t sell some ass, I’m
gonna lose my car.”

A guy says to a girl at the bar, “I’m a car salesman, and if I
don’t sell some cars, I’m gonna lose my ass.”
The girl says, “I’m a hooker, and if I don’t sell some ass, I’m
gonna lose my car.”

One fine day this beautiful young girl was walking through the
woods picking flowers and wild mushrooms for her mother. After
some time she felt weary and decided to rest by the pond. Under
the shade of the big oak tree she admired the water lillies and
the beauty that surrounded her and began to snooze.

She was awakened by the sound of a frog croaking, “Excuse me”
Said the frog. ” I was once a beautiful Prince and lived in a
big castle until a wicked witch cast a spell upon me. If you
kiss me tenderly on my lips I would turn back to my former beauty
and we could marry and live in my castle, where you could wash
my clothes, cook my meals, clean the castle, make the beds, and
clean the bath for me.

Later that night, over a fine bottle of chilled Chablis with
sautéed frogs legs in garlic butter and fresh truffles she thought
to herself: “I don’t fucking think so!!”

There was a woman who had 3 daughters. One day the first daughter
asked her mother, “Why is my name Daisy?” Her mother replied,
“Because when you were born a daisy fell upon your tiny head.”
Then the second daughter asked her mother, “Why is my name Rose?”
Her mother answered, “Because when you were born a rose fell upon
your tiny head.” The third daughter, hearing this, muttered
something under her breath. “What?” asked her mother. The third
daughter again said, “Hrehow thouwehera yseeeeeeeher.” Her mother,
frustrated at her daughters lack of speech skills, said, “Shut up,
fridge!”

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot were stuck on a cliff when
a genie appeared. “If you jump down this cliff I will grant you a
wish.” said the genie.
The scot jumped first and yelled “whiskey!” and landed in a big
pool of Jack Daniels. The englishman jumped next and yelled “gold”
he landed in a mountain of gold coins. When the Irishman jumped
his hat blew off. “Oh crap!” he said, and landed in a big pile
of…you know.