A guy just died and he’s at the pearly gates, waiting to be
admitted, while St. Peter is leafin’ through this Big Book to
see if the guy is worthy.

St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his
brow and says to the guy, ‘You know, I can’t see that you
ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did
anything really good either. If you can point to even one
REALLY GOOD DEED– you’re in.’

The guy thinks for a moment and says, ‘Yeah, there was this
one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant
group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my
car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were,
about 50 of ‘em harassing this terrified young woman.

Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of
my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy
with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his
nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs
formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader’s chain
off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire
iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of
them, ‘Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You’re all a
bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you
all a lesson in pain!”

St. Peter, impressed, says, ‘Really? When did this happen?’

‘Oh, about two minutes ago.’

Three pastors and their wives were carpooling their way back
from a revival when suddenly their van slid off the side of a
cliff. Sadly, they were all killed.

At the Pearly Gates, Peter called the first couple forward.
Looking through his book, Peter looked up at the first preacher
and said sharply, “You hypocrite! All you ever cared about in
your life was money! You’ve preached many times, ‘Money is evil,
money won’t buy you happiness, money this, money that.’ Yet
you’ve hoarded money all your life! You were the wealthiest
person in your whole community. In fact, you were so consumed
with money that you married a woman named Penny, isn’t that so?”
he demanded.

Obviously shaken, the preacher meekly responded, “Y-yes sir,
that’s true.”

“Well, you did preach the gospel, so I won’t send you off to you
know where, but you don’t get to come in the front gate. You have
to walk all the way around heaven and enter in the back door. Off
you go!”

And the couple went shamefully on their way.

St. Peter leered at the next pastor and yelled, “And you! All you
ever talked and cared about was alcohol! You often preached, ‘The
bottle this, the bottle that.’ Yet, you’ve been drunk nearly every
time you’ve preached. In fact, you were so consumed with alcohol
and drinking that you married a woman named Brandy, isn’t that so?”
he accused. The pastor only nodded in shame.

“Well, you also preached a powerful sermon — despite being drunk
– so no hell for you either. But you don’t get to come in the
front gate either. You have to walk all the way around heaven and
enter the back door. Off with you!” And the couple slowly shuffled
off.

“And you! ” St. Peter began.

The third pastor held up his hand to silence St. Peter and turned
to his wife and said, “We’d better start walking, Fanny.”