Once upon a time an evil king captured a virgin princess and held her
captive in his high tower. Though she was very beautiful he forced her
to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress. “You’ll never get away
with this,” she cried. “Some brave knight will rescue me!” “Not in that
thing,” the evil king replied. She waited day and night, but it was just
as the king predicted. Every knight that saw her in the window of the
high tower was scared away by her dress, which, as I’ve mentioned, was
very disgusting. After many months the princess broke down crying and
the evil king taunted her, “You see? I told you no knight would rescue
a damsel in this dress!”

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college
student led the way into the den.

“What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked.

“That is the talking clock,” the man replied.

“How’s it work?” the friend asked.

“Watch,” the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear-
shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “Knock it
off, you idiot! It’s two o’clock in the morning!”

A man died and went to hell. As he passed sulforous pits and
shrieking sinners, he saw his former attorney snuggling with a
beautiful woman. “That’s not fair!” he cried, “I have to roast for
all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful
woman!” The devil barked, “Shut up! Who are you to question that
woman’s punishment?”

A team of archeologists were excavating in Israel, when they came
upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following
symbols in order of appearance.

1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. The Star of David

They decided that this was a unique finding and that the writings
were more than 3,000 years old. They chopped out the piece of stone
and brought it to the museum, where archeologists from all over
the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge
meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could
agree was the meaning of the markings.

The president of their society stood up and pointed at the first
drawing and said, “This looks like a dog. We can judge that this
was a highly intelligent race, as they knew how to have animals
for companionship. To prove this statement, you can see that the
next symbol resembles a donkey, so they were even smart enough to
have animals help them till the soil.

“The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means
they even had tools to help them. Further proof of their intelligence
is the fish, which means that when they had a famine and could not
grow food, they took to the sea for food.

“The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they
were evidently Hebrews.”

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

The president smiled and said, “I’m glad to see that you are all
in full agreement with our interpretations.”

Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room
and said, “I object to every word. The explanation of what the
writings say is quite simple. Everyone knows that Hebrews don’t
read from left to right, but from right to left. Look again… It
says, HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH.”

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling
at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me
how old the dinosaur bones are?”

The guard replies, “They are 3 million, four years, and six months
old.”

“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know
their age so precisely?”

The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years
old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years
ago.”

The Blessed Flower Shop — Once upon a time, there were some
friars who were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone
liked to buy flowers from the “men of God,” the rival florist
across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the
good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back
and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his
mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business They
ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart,
the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them
to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying
he’d be back if they didn’t close shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
friars.

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes
right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says “Sorry, you
know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.”

The mexican man pleads with them, “No, noooo Senior, I must
stay in de USA! Pleeeze!”

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I’m going to make it
hard for him and says “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use 3 english
words in a sentence”.

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, “The 3 words are: Green, Pink
and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.”

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then
says, “Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I
Pink it up and sez Yellow?”

Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus.

Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate
on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence….

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

But then there were equally good arguments that…….

JESUS WAS BLACK
1. He called everybody “brother”.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.

But then there were equally good arguments that…….

JESUS WAS JEWISH
1. He went into His Father’s business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he
was God.

But then there were equally good arguments that…….

JESUS WAS ITALIAN
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were equally good arguments that…….

JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were equally good arguments that…….

JESUS WAS IRISH
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But perhaps the most compelling evidence ………

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN …..

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no
food.
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who
JUST DIDN’T GET IT.
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more
work for him to do.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,
independent, self-assured princess, happened upon a
frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on
the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow
near her castle. The frog happened into the Princess’
lap and said: “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from
you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young
Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set
up housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you
can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy to do so.”

That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled
to herself and thought: “I don’t think so!!”

- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit
a strip club at least once.

- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
other.

- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing
St. Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of year.

- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man
lying beside her.

- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective -
or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

- It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone
to talk you down.

- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place -
no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can
travel to any other part of the building undetected.

- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar
opposite.

- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition,
even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.

- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back
home.

- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will
not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer
beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his
forthcoming art exhibition.

- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

- When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a
bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be
the exact fare.

- Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.

- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family
every morning even though their husband and children never have
time to eat it.

- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of
RFK stadium.

- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending
phone conversations.

- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to
turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
visiting.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by
dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
predecessors.

- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will
never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic
eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -
unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at the precise moment that it is aired.